Random Bits O’ Bacon-Flavored Goodness

Let’s get random!

Our lead singer and lead guitarist have decided to leave Nonetheless. I’m not gonna air our dirty laundry here in public. I wish them both luck in their future endeavors. Meanwhile, the remaining three have to basically go all American Idol and audition people who really have no business trying to be singers. Honestly, if you had never played guitar before, would you go audition to be a lead guitarist in an established band? Would you say “Well, I’ve never done this before, but my mom/BFF/girlfriend/hamster all say I sound just like [add some famous singer here] when I sing with the car radio”? I would hope not, and if you do, I hope you get hit in the throat with a wireless microphone. It’s awful. What’s worse is people who tell you in emails and on the phone that they’re wonderful, every band wants to hire them, blah blah blah, and when they come in, they sound like Elmer Fudd talking dirty to a wolverine into the fat end of a trombone. It’s exhausting. So far, no one’s auditioned for the guitar position. Wish us luck, folks. It sucks to get blindsided like this, but we’ll persevere and pull through.

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The baseball team had a scrimmage on Saturday, and we were beaten 2-0 on the strength of two (TWO!) inside-the-park home runs. Now, if you’re not a baseball person, let me tell you that hitting ONE ITP home run is hard as hell, and hitting two is like throwing thread through the eye of a needle at 20 yards in a stiff wind. Of course, it helps when the kid playing center field decides to run with the ball from deep center, all the way to 2nd base, instead of simply throwing the ball. He held it up high like the Statue of Liberty or a waiter with a hot plate. It would’ve been hilarious if I hadn’t been right beside him yelling “THROW IT THROW IT THROW IT THROW IT NOW NOW NOW!” the whole time. Oh well, they’ll learn. Also, a kid on our team got hit in the face by a pitch. That made twice in one week that the same boy got hit in the face with the ball. He already wears glasses thicker than the report Ken Starr submitted on Bill Clinton, so I’m starting to think this isn’t the sport for him. We’ll work on his ducking skills.

I gotta admit - I’m enjoying it. A lot.

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We went to the Mavericks-Pacers game Friday night, and it was a blast. We rode the train to the arena, and when we passed through Little China, a Chinese lady got on the train and sat down opposite of 5YO. He looked at her, leaned in close to me, and said “Daddy, I think I see someone from Ninja Warrior.” I snorted, and told him no, she’s not from the TV show. (In case you don’t get that, “Ninja Warrior” is a Japanese game show where people try to complete a timed obstacle course. It is the shit, with only “The Unbeatable Banzuke” even coming close. It is the awesome, it comes on G4, and you must check this out post haste.) The game was great - the Mavericks beat the Pacers down like they stole cable from them. But check this nonsense out:

I know it’s hard to tell, but what we have here is an assault on my wallet, my state of mind, and my sense of common decency. $7 for a chicken strip basket? A basket, may I add, that consists of 3 strips and fries that looked disappointed to be included in the meal? Yeah. And they almost forgot my ranch dressing. You best believe I made sure they put that shit in there. All in all, I got the chicken finger basket, a foot long hot dog, a hamburger basket, a kid’s popcorn, 2 waters and two Sprites, and paid more for that than I did for the wireless unit I use for my bass when I gig. I’m sorry - if I’ve already paid $50 apiece for 4 tickets, is it really necessary to perform a monetary colonoscopy on me at every turn inside the arena? I understand that the superstars need an extra coat of unicorn horn car wax on their special edition space shuttles, but damn - do like I do. Sell some shit on eBay or something. Give a brotha a break for once. Wanna see what $50 seats at American Airlines Center look like? Prepare to be thrilled.

OH YEAH, BABY! I think a bird flew by when I took this shot. The cotton candy vendor was wearing an oxygen mask. Any higher up, we would’ve needed a parachute to get down. The kids loved it, though, and that’s what it’s all about. I’ll be taking my payment for their fun directly from their allowances, believe me.
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It SNOWED here a couple weeks ago! It was crazy. And 2 days later, it was in the mid-sixties. If you don’t like the weather here in Texas, just wait - it’ll change. Check out the snowage:

It was crazy. Next day, it was all gone. It was all I could do to convince my alien offspring to not eat the snow. There wasn’t enough of it for it to not be dirty and gross, so I wisely pulled the Dad card and forbade it. And do you think that stopped them? MY kids? Hells to the hell no. That scoop you see on the car is 8YO’s greedy grab for car-flavored snow. Ah, snow. Gotta love the weather here. Today it was 76. Go figure.

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You all know my love for the bacon. I’m gonna start posting about different bacon-related articles and blogs that people send me. This one is thanks to Metalchick. I’m drooling.

not martha

And that is all for now. Tune in next time when I’ll diatribe or something. We’ll see.

Peace.

~ by Dark Damian on March 17, 2008.