Damian’s Deconstructive Diatribe

It’s been awhile, hasn’t it? Oh yeah, ever since I got yelled at for basically pointing out the ridiculous nature of a crime I outlined in an earlier diatribe. After all that back and forty, I considered retiring, laying down my figurative pen, leaving the news-telling to the professionals….yeah, right. As if I was gonna stop diatribing because one person got her thong in a twist over something I said. You all know me better than that. I’m gonna keep rollin’ till the wheels fall off. The diatribe is my go-to move; my hook shot in the lane, my left jab, guitar lift when I have full star power while playing Guitar Hero III. It is, has been, and will be the signature piece of this blog, and I’m ready to ramp it up and offend more people. After all, it’s what I do. So let’s do it!

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NORTH HUNTINGDON, Pa. — A former Norwin homecoming queen accused of attacking her sister with a prosthetic leg and threatening to burn down a neighbor’s trailer was ordered on Wednesday to go to rehab. Donna Sturkie-Anthony showed up for her preliminary hearing before District Judge Douglas Weimer, but the 41-year-old woman’s hearing was continued so she can go to Greenbriar Treatment Center. Police said Sturkie-Anthony’s sister came to visit her at Lincoln Mobile Home Park on Route 30 in January, and the two started arguing about her alcohol abuse. Then, police said Sturkie-Anthony pulled off her sister’s prosthetic leg and beat her with it. In that case, Sturkie-Anthony was charged with aggravated assault, simple assault, recklessly endangering another person and harassment. About three weeks later, police said, Anthony stole her neighbor’s telephone and then threatened to burn down their trailer if they testified against her. She faces charges of intimidation of witnesses or victims and terroristic threats in the case involving her neighbors. “The police, they call for backup when they come up here to deal with her,” said another neighbor, who asked not to be identified. “They know who she is.” Sturkie-Anthony was being held without bond in the Westmoreland County Prison. Police said it’s because she is a danger to others and herself.

This is all kinds of messed up. There’s so much here, I don’t even know how to get at all of it. It’s bullet time, folks.

• From homecoming queen to living in a trailer park? This is Chapter 4 in How Not To Live Your Life. Read the book, not the Cliff’s Notes. Chapters 1-3 are Stay In School, And Not Just In The 3rd Stall, You Shouldn’t Dress Like That If You Want Him To Respect You, and Lotto Is Not A Career. Reading is fundamental.
  
• Nothing fuels an argument against being a drunk like beating the accuser with her own prosthetic. Replacing a prosthetic leg is expensive, folks. A couple weeks ago, Coach F stepped funny on his, and something broke inside of it, and he said it would cost about $18,000 to get a new one. Now, I’m sure the sister’s leg didn’t cost $18,000, but even a $29.95 leg is hard to replace in this tough economy. This poor lady might have to walk around with two broomsticks with some CD cases on the bottom of ‘em attached to her thigh with duct tape (black, not gray, because black goes with everything) until her Blue Burning Cross/Blue Shield insurance can get her another one from Costco. It all adds up, people.
• Can someone please tell me the benefit of threatening the neighbor? I mean, I seriously doubt Bubba and Jimmie Sue were going to narc her out to the po-po - you know good and damn well that Bubba probably has an outstanding warrant for public intoxication and indecent exposure hisdamnself. So with that thought, why steal their phone? It probably wasn’t even cordless…it’s not like trailers are measured in square feet. They’re measured more in the number of Cheez-Its you can lay in a square grid, meaning having a cordless phone is kinda like having 100 mph on the speedometer of a Hyundai. You’re not fooling anyone.
  
• Burning down the trailer is overkill, anyway. Just circle the address on a map, and mail it to God. He’ll send a tornado like he always does. Or a tow truck. Either or.
  

The funniest thing about this all is the fact that she’s so well-known that the cops call backup before they even RESPOND to calls to her house. I’m sure, back in high school, she was the cream of the crop, but that’s pretty much where the trail(er) runs cold for her. Oh well…I’m sure she’ll be voted Most Likely to Beat Ass on Cellblock C with her charm and personality. Here’s to hoping.

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Thomas Beatie, who used to be a woman, appeared in the most recent issue of The Advocate, a magazine for lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender readers, Portland, Ore., television station KPTV reported. Beatie wrote the article, which includes a picture of him while he was 22 weeks pregnant. According to the story, he went through a sex change, but decided only to have chest reconstruction and testosterone therapy. Beatie was able to keep the reproductive organs he was born with. The article said he stopped getting the injections and was able to get pregnant. Beatie, who lives in Bend, wrote he was once pregnant with triplets, but the pregnancy was life-threatening and he lost the fetuses. Now, Beatie said he and his wife, Nancy, are expecting a little girl in July. In the article, Beatie described some of the challenges he and his wife have faced — they said doctors won’t treat them. The couple met 10 years ago and Nancy is not able to have children. He wrote in The Advocate that their situation “sparks legal, political and social unknowns.” The couple were out of town Monday and unable to speak with the station.

Whoooooooa. Whoa. Whoa. Let me get this straight - there’s a magazine for lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgendered people, and I didn’t know about it? That’s a travesty! They better stock that in the magazine aisle in Wal-Mart, dammit. Am I the only person who read this and thought about seahorses? (See, the male seahorse carries the fetus, and…wait, what am I, Wikipedia? Look it up yourself.) I’ve always been fascinated by things like this: a woman marrying a man who used to be a woman, and who only has the lessened chesticles and testosterone therapy, which all sounds like “female Russian bodybuilder” at first blush. It’s very fucked up that doctors won’t treat them…after all, the child inside deserves the best health care, and did nothing to the prudish doctors. And he/she/it/that certainly didn’t choose those fucked-up parents, for that matter. So what if you disagree with the woman who’s now a man (almost) who wants to have a baby with his wife, who presumably always has been a woman, but who really knows? Who is the woman who marries a man who is only halfway over the gender fence? (Good thing he’s not a man going to woman, ’cause his junk would get caught in the chain links. And that shit hurts like the dickens. Pardon the pun.) I hope the mofather…the famother….the seahorse gets the full medical attention that he and his offspring so desperately need and deserve. And naturally, I hope the National Inquirer is there with some paparazzi. Those pics will go on my fridge, baby.

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PARIS (11) - Pirates have freed 30 hostages held aboard a French tourist yacht off Somalia’s coast for the past week, French President Nicolas Sarkozy said Friday. Pirates seized the yacht, called Le Ponant, in the Gulf of Aden on April 4. It was carrying 30 crew members, including 22 French citizens and six citizens of the Philippines.

Damn, Elle. I know you’re pissed about the blog and the ‘roid and all that, but for the love of Al B. Sure, quit kidnapping people! Just go buy you some Tucks pads and some witch hazel and call it a day. Damn pirates. I swear. Always starting shit.

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Absent-minded professor dad buys lemonade for his kid at a baseball game. Turns out it’s a Mike’s Hard Lemonade. After a guard spots the bottle, the kid is whisked away to the hospital in an ambulance (!) where they found no trace of alcohol in his blood about 90 minutes later. The doctors said he was OK to go, but instead he wound up in foster care. It was “two days before the state of Michigan allowed Ratte’s wife, U-M architecture professor Claire Zimmerman, to take their son home, and nearly a week before [dad Christopher] Ratte was permitted to move back into his own house.” Everyone involved seems to have come down with a serious case of “just following orders”. The sympathetic cop who interviewed Ratte and his son at the hospital said she was convinced what happened had been an accident, but that her supervisor was insisting the matter be referred to Child Protective Services. And Ratte thought the two child protection workers who came to take Leo away seemed more annoyed with the police than with him. “This is so unnecessary,” one told Ratte before driving away with his son.

Good thing the kid didn’t ask for some ice tea from Long Island. I agree that the authorities in this case went a tad too far in all this, but really - you’d think the professor would at least read the bottle, where it mentions its alcohol content, before giving it to his kid. And you’d also think that perhaps the person who sold it to him would’ve objected when he spotted the Nutty Professor giving the bottle to little Billy - but then again, given their wages and the sheer number of drunken asshats buying 4 beers at a time, he should be happy he got correct change, much less a lesson on effective parenting. In all this, though, one thing has been sorely overlooked - Mike’s Hard Lemonade must be some weak-ass shit, if it couldn’t even give a kid a buzz. How many of those things would you have to drink to actually get drunk? 38? I think you’d have a better chance with REAL lemonade than with that watered-down Shirley Temple in a bottle. Hell, I bet a Zima would’ve….wait, let’s not take this too far. I wouldn’t wish Zima on anyone. The other curious thing about this story is the speed at which Child Protective Services descended upon this family over an honest mistake, while consistently not helping kids with much more obvious signs of abuse and mistreatment. Time to refocus, CPS. At best, this was an honest mistake, and at worst, he’s the coolest dad in the history of ever.

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A combination of alcohol, bees and a gun resulted in a Williamsburg man making a trip to the hospital Sunday. The incident happened around 2:00 Sunday yesterday afternoon in Frankstown Township in the Canoe Creek area. According to police 57-year-old David Walls had been drinking when he tried to shoot down some bees flying above him using a .22 caliber revolver loaded with buckshot. Walls ended up shooting himself in the left hand causing soft tissue damage. Walls was treated and released at Altoona Regional Health System.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

(breathe)

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Really, I have nothing else other than this. Then again, nothing else is really required, now is it? I think not.

Peace.

~ by Dark Damian on April 28, 2008.