Honest to God, when it rains…it sleets. And people lose their damn minds when they drive. I was driving home tonight, minding my own business and listening to CNN on the satellite radio (look, I’m a nerd. I’ve accepted it. You should, too). Because the weather here in Texas changes by the minute, the 70 degree day from yesterday turned magically into a 27 degree day today, and brought with it some mild precipitation. Now, anyone with a passing knowledge of science or The Weather Channel on their favorites list knows that:

freezing temperatures + precipitation = some sort of frozen slop from the sky

That slop can be snow, sleet, freezing rain, hail, or maybe even Popcicles, but no matter WHAT it is, it spells trouble, because the following formula is also true:

Frozen slop from the sky + Texas drivers = FAIL

And sure enough, this last formula played out as usual. As I drove across a small bridge, I noticed – much to my chagrin – that a pickup truck had crossed the median, and was playing high-speed bumper cars with the vehicle in front of me. I had absolutely no time to react, beyond thinking “What the fu…?” and then “Ohgodohgodpleasedon’tgooverthebridgeohmy sweetbabyjesus!” I slammed on the brakes and swerved to the right enough to avoid hitting the car full-on, and just got them with the driver’s side of the hood and bumper, but that took me toward the edge of the bridge. Then the car behind me barreled into me, knocking me even closer to the edge, so much so that the truck went up on the sidewalk, allowing me the unique opportunity to look down into the ravine below and wonder how in the hell I would ever survive the fall. But I pulled the wheel hard to the left and hit the gas, and that seemed to be enough to get me off the sidewalk again and back onto the pavement.

I sat there, breathing hard, for a couple of minutes, because I just couldn’t understand what had happened. I noticed three things right away, though:

1. I was alive, and relatively unscathed
2. My truck was non-functional, including the heat
3. People are inherently stupid.

This last thing I noticed as people, oblivious to the fact that no less than FIVE CARS had just crashed into each other like a scene from “The Transporter”, were zooming around us on this very same bridge where we had just ruined our Monday evening. They whipped around us, sliding and skidding, and looking at us with those “Aw, you poor suckers!” eyes. I wished sickle cell upon each and every one of them, except for the hot Asian chick in the Camry. To top it off, the sleet was still coming down, and I now had to get out of the truck so that I wouldn’t get hit AGAIN. Joy.

The cops took our statements, the tow trucks came, and we we all swept away so that others could slip and slide across the bridge. Once the adrenaline wore off, I realized that I was pretty damn close to death, and that scared the hell outta me. I also realized that my airbag didn’t deploy. I think my truck is out to get me.

All in all, I’m ok, and hopefully the insurance companies will work it out so that I get a brand new Expedition. With spinning rims.

Peace.