OK. I’m freely admitting it – I’m a 30 Percenter.

“A WHAT?” you may be asking?

A 30 Percenter.

A 3.0.

A 30 Dog.

I am admitting, freely and in quasi-public, that I am 30% gay. That’s right, 30% .

“How the fuck can you be 30% gay, you butt monkey?”Well, it’s like this: The majority of my friends are gay. I am very sympathetic to issues involving the gay and lesbian community…I have no hangups or problems with anything “gay”, and I like “Six Feet Under”. Ok, I’m lying about “Six Feet Under” – I can’t stand that fucking show. But the rest is totally true. I am 30% gay – but I am definitely NOT 100% gay. I love women. Women, women, women. Fat women, skinny women, women who climb on rocks, tall women, short women, even ones with chicken pox love hot dogs….oops, my ADD kicked in there for a second.

Often when I tell people that I’m 30% gay, they ask me how I came to that particular figure. Why 30%, and not 20%, or even 40%? Here’s my magical formula. And by the way, I failed calculus in college, so my math is as shaky as a one-legged dog in an earthquake.

  • 100% – Boy, you like nothing more than a stiff one in you. And boy, you’re a boy.
  • 90% – Same as above, but you are prone to watching shows like “Trading Spaces”.
  • 80% – See above, replace “Trading Spaces” with “ER”.
  • 70% – You like boys, but girls are cute…if their hair is short and they’re named Billy.
  • 60% – Britney Spears makes you twitch, and you don’t know why.
  • 50% – Bi-Bi, loneliness!
  • 40% – Rob Lowe makes you twitch, and you don’t know why.
  • 30% – You like girls, and some guys look ok, you guess…why do you ask?
  • 20% – You’ll give a guy a half-hug, you know, if he’s your boy from way back. And no one’s looking.
  • 10% – Can’t watch “Magnum, P.I.” reruns because Higgins is “too fruity”
  • 0% – Won’t even touch your own ass

So, I’m somewhere in the 30% range. And I’m rather happy with that. It allows me to take advantage of the full spectrum of humanity, without worrying about whether some guy is checking me out.Plus, maybe I’ll get to watch some lesbians practicing their Gaelic.