I’m in a foul mood. Usually I’m Captain Happy-Go-Lucky, but today I’m more like Nappy-Go-Fuck-Yourself. Too much stress, I suppose. Hopefully this little list will be cathartic for me, and I’ll feel better afterward. If you don’t like it, well, too damn bad.

Things That Piss Me Off

  • People that jabber incessantly with nothing of value to say (celebrities, pundits, radio show hosts, people with no idea of how empty they are)
  • People who don’t know the meaning of words like “cathartic” or “incessant”
  • People who call their animals their children (except for you, Jana)
  • People with grand-animals (except for your mom, Jana)
  • People that loiter behind me in the Wal-Mart parking lot, waiting for me to move. I intentionally wait a few more moments. Of course, I’m also guilty of doing this, so I piss myself off, too.
  • Ugly people with loud voices. Jesus, pick one, not both.
  • Whiners (yeah yeah, you’ve got it bad. So fucking what. Join the club; the sign-in sheet’s in the back)
  • People with addictions of all types (again, I’m also guilty of this. I may have to punch myself in the face later)
  • Dumb dogs who don’t learn not to jump fences or make large fecal deposits in the kids’ bedroom
  • Randy Moss
  • SUVs and large pickups that change lanes without signaling first, because they can
  • Country music (except when I’m drunk and singing karaoke)
  • People that assume I can dance and play basketball upon first meeting me
  • White people that say “nigga”
  • Black people that say “nigga”
  • Norwegians that say “nigga” (OK, I made that one up)
  • People that refuse to even consider dating others outside of their comfort zone (race, religion, economic standing, height, size, etc.)
  • All racists
  • Satellite broadband internet providers
  • People that own guns, but don’t own a bank account or a check book
  • People who spend more on spinning rims than on child support
  • Martha Stewart
  • Rich people (unless they wanna break me off a couple of dollars)
  • People who say “I’m Rick James, bitch!” who are not named Dave Chappelle
  • People who are too pussy to commit suicide without endangering the lives of others
  • The entire cast of “Jackass”, “Viva La Bam”, “Wild Boyz”…
  • People who harm animals needlessly
  • People who harm kids
  • People who harm kids (yes, I said it twice. It bears repeating)
  • Convicted criminals who can vote from jail
  • Whoever invented Barney, Blue’s Clues, Teletubbies, The Wiggles, and Dora the Explorer
  • People named Debbie (I’ve never met a nice person named Debbie. Only bitches. Deborah’s, however, are ok.)
  • Guys that punch you to show you how cool/tough/manly they are
  • People that snicker when you say you were in marching band
  • People who work in public places that don’t speak English. You live here, you learn my language.
  • People who have never been to a live theatrical performance, and have no desire to go
  • Acrobats (they’re so damn limber)
  • The “B” group of the Barnum and Bailey Circus (if you don’t know, don’t worry about it)
  • Professional athletes who complain about money
  • People who didn’t like “Big Trouble in Little China”
  • People who don’t like or get “South Park”, “Family Guy”, “Drawn Together”, or anything on “Adult Swim”. Grown down, asses.
  • People who think 33 is old
  • People who dump on me for playing computer games or PlayStation 2
  • Bob Jones University
  • People who suck, and more specifically, people who don’t suck at all. You know what I mean.

OK, I feel somewhat better now. I’m sure this won’t be the last list of this type. I hope your week’s been better than mine. Naked pictures always make me feel better, by the way. Of women.