Just got this list from a friend of mine today. I’ve seen these types fo things before…they usually start off with lines like “You know you’re old when…” or “You know you live in the computer age when..” or some other crap like that. Well, I’m going to put this list up, then I’m going to comment on whether the listed phenomena were a part of my wonder years or not. This oughtta be fun.

1. You ever ended a sentence w/ the word “PSYCH!”
Oh yes. Almost got my ass beat when I pulled that shit on Mom once, too.

2. You watched Pound Puppies.
I watched Pound Puppies, but only when no one was watching me.

3. You can sing the rap to “Fresh Prince of Bel Air”.
Absolutely. Will Smith was my hero. Well, OK, Carlton was. I was much closer to being Carlton than Will.

4. You wore biker shorts under your skirts and felt stylish.
Hell no. First of all, that’s some girl shit. Secondly, I was a fat kid, and there was no way I could squeeze my ginormous ass into biker shorts. Hell, swimming trunks grunted when I put them on.

5. You yearned to be a member of the babysitters club and tried to start one of your own.
I’m not even sure what this is. Filing it under “GS” for “girl shit”.

6. You owned those lil Strawberry Shortcake pals scented dolls.
More GS. However, I did go to a friend’s house once, and smelled his sister’s Strawberry Shortcake dolls. Wait, that sounds really weird.

7. You know that “WHOA” comes from Joey on Blossom.
Fuck Joey. What about Six? That chick was HOT!
Jenna Van Oy had an ass that just wouldn’t quit. I wanted nothing more than to put out a hit on Mayim Bialik and rename the show “Six”, and have a full 15 minutes of it be devoted to her ass moving and shaking. She’s still hot. Just look at her here and here.

8. Two words: M.C.Hammer.
Saw him in concert. Great performer. Bad with finances. And rapping. “Pumps and a Bump” should be wiped from our collective memories.

9. If you ever watched Fraggle Rock.
Loved Fraggle Rock. I defy you to dislike it. Uriah the Trash Heap kicked ass.

10. You had plastic streamers on your handle bars. (HELL YEAH!!!)
Um, no. GS. I did, however, have a friend throw a broomstick through my spokes while i was riding down the street, making me flip forward over my bike and skid on the hot asphalt. Now, that’s some guy shit.

11. You can sing the entire theme song to “Duck Tales”.
An inferior cartoon, compared to “Darkwing Duck”. Or “Thundarr the Barbarian”.

12. It was actually worth getting up on Saturday morning to watch cartoons (mainly the smurfs!)
No doubt. Saturday mornings kicked ass. Cartoons from 7 till 11:30, then “Soul Train”. The Soul Train camera men would lay down on the floor, practically filming straight up a girl’s skirt. My friends and I would start leaning and moving around, hoping to see something, as if the show was in 3-D. I miss those days.

13. You wore a ponytail on the side of your head.
Ugh. GS. However, I did have a high top fade. You know, Kid ‘N’ Play style. Does that count?

14. You saw “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles” on the big screen.
If by “big screen” you mean the non-functioning 25″ floor model color TV that sat beneath the functioning 13″ black and white TV in the living room, then yes.

15. You played the game MASH (Mansion, Apartment, Shelter, House).
No. Idea. What. This. Is.

16. You wore a Jordache jean jacket and you were proud of it.
I wore a hand-me-down burgundy Member’s Only jacket, and tried to hide the frayed elbows.

17. You know the profound meaning of “WAX ON, WAX OFF”.
Yeah, I know it because that what Mom would say whenever I was doing her chores for her. “Wax on wax off, boy! Get them dishes clean before I crane kick you!”

18. You wanted to be a Goonie.
Ooooooh, yeah. Still one of my all-time favorite movies. I got your One-Eyed Willy right here!

19.You ever wore fluorescent clothing (some head to toe).
“Wake me up, before you go-go, don’t leave me hanging on like a yo-yo…” Yeah, I owned a 2 sizes too big glow-in-the-dark WAM! style t-shirt that said “FREE” on it. I was mocked mercilessly.

20. You ever wondered why Smurfette was the only female smurf.
Only idiots wondered this. We all know that Gargamel created Smurfette himself using all sorts of bad ingredients, and that when she was first created, she had black hair. It turned blonde after she was converted to being a good smurf. However, she a fake smurf. What I DID wonder, though, is where Homo Smurf was.

21. You still get the urge to say “NOT” after every sentence.
This is true. I’ve said it to my kids multiple times, only to get confused looks from them. Not.

22. You thought She-Ra and He-Man should hook up.
Yeah, right. He-Man was gay. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. But didn’t you see the way he straddled Battlecat? And how close he was with Man-at-Arms? Hell, I even saw him checking out Skeletor’s ass a couple of times, and Skeletor didn’t seem to mind. She-Ra would be his token girlfriend, nothing more. Besides, she had something going on with that chick Cheetara from the Thundercats.

23. You remember “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up”.
I laughed each time I saw that commercial. Then I’d feel bad, ’cause it was an old lady. Then I’d laugh again.

24. You remember skating before inline skates.
Inline skates are the devil.

25. You had or attended a b-day party at McDonalds.
When you’re a parent, going to Mickey D’s for a birthday party isn’t a memory, it’s a To Do in your Daytimer.

26. “Don’t worry, Be happy!!”
Bobby McFerren is so much more than this stupid song. He’s a great jazz artist that got marginalized by this goofy, silly pop song. But hey, he’s counting his money while people are dissing him.

27. “Miss MARY MACK MACK MACK all dressed in BLACK BLACK BLACK”.
GS. That I did. A lot.

28. Both Gremlin movies.
Only the first one was of any real merit. It was dark, scary, funny, and brilliant. The second one was all of those things, minus the dark, the scary, the funny, and the brilliant.

29. You remember Rainbow Bright and My Lil Pony Tales.
Listen, I loved Rainbow Brite. I thought she was kinda hot, in a cartoon way. My Lil Pony can suck donkey balls.

30. New Kids On the Block when they were cool.
There’s a misconception here. NKOTB was never cool. All they were was a white version of New Edition. The creator even admitted it. And when they changed their name to NKOTB, they got even less cool. Individually, however, they had some good points.

31. Know all the words to Bon Jovi- SHOT THRU THE HEART……
About a year and a half ago, I was playing in this crappy cover band, and the lead singer insisted on playing a Bon Jovi medley of “You Give Love A Bad Name” and “It’s My Life”. Thank God we never performed it, because I had to sing backup on it. And if any of my friends had seen me singing or playing Bon Jovi, I might have to pluck out their eyes like Uma Thurman did in “Kill Bill Volume 2”. And no one wants that.

32. You just sang it to yourself.
Dammit.

33. You remember when Mullets were cool.
When was that, exactly?
Peace.

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