I’ve had a rough 15 days, y’all. Allow me to recap:

  • We (the band) decided to part ways with our lead singer. This kind of thing always sucks, regardless of the reasons behind making such a move. Because I still like the guy, I won’t go into horrific detail about why we parted ways with him, but I will say that I wish him the best, and I hope he finds another project soon. If you’re just insanely curious about what happened (as I’m sure you are), email me and I’ll discuss.
  • As a direct result of parting ways, the band now has to go through the exceedingly pleasurable exercise of auditioning lead singers. The pleasure derived from going through this process is roughly equivalent to the sweet sensation of having a cactus twisted slowly into your left nostril, while simultaneously eating a lit match. Anyone who has ever been a part of auditions can testify that auditioning absolutely blows. Imagine if every American Idol reject was in one geographic area. Now imagine that they’ve all been told that they can really sing, either by loved ones or by the voices in their head (those voices have much better pitch, by the way). Guys claim they can sing like Chris Cornell, and when they show up, they sound more like Chris Tucker. Girls will swear they sound like Amy Lee, and naturally they sound like Buddy Lee when they get on the mic. For every 20 singers we audition, 17 will be awful, 2 will be half-decent, and 1 will be pretty damn good – but he’ll also have offers from 2 or 3 other bands. Wish us luck.
  • I got a speeding ticket. But you would’ve, too, in my situation. We had gone to the local water park for some fun in the sun. Anyone who knows me knows that I dislike fun in the sun. I’m black. Black people absorb heat; white people reflect it. When I’m out in the sun, it feels about 3 degrees hotter than it really is. But if I must be outside in the blazing heat, the waterpark’s as good a place as I can think of to go to. Aside from the hot women in bikinis, there’s… something else, I’m sure of it. I’ll get back to you on that. Well, we were there for a while when 5YO (my five year old) came up to me and said, “Dad, my stomach hurts.” All parents will tell you that kids will lie to you about any ailment in order to get out of doing something, like going to school. And the complaints will range from tummy aches to gout, so you learn to treat these complaints suspiciously. But when he sat down at my feet, clutched his side, and groaned, I knew it was the real deal. No kid fakes an illness to leave the waterpark. We got out of there and immediately headed home, thinking appendicitis thoughts. I had left all my insurance information at home, so we had to get there before heading to the doctor, if that became necessary. So I tore ass down the highway when a lovely police officer decided to make me her bitch for the next few minutes. No story went over with her. Her time and effort cost me $130.

  • There’s zero humor in this: I watched a pit bull kill a cat while I was cutting grass at my old house. I heard a commotion, and when I turned to look, 3 dogs had this neighborhood cat cornered across the street. Then the biggest dog, a 80 lb brown pit bull, grabbed the cat and started shaking. I ran halfway across the street, screaming and waving at the dog, until he looked up at me. I admit it: I was scared. I had no stick, no rock, no weapon of any sort to either persuade the dog to release, or to defend myself if he decided to attack me. So I backed down. I waited nearby until he had finished the deed. I wanted to see where the dog came from, and who owned him. Eventually a guy came riding up on a bike, called the dog, and the two of them disappeared down the street. We called Animal Control, who showed up to remove the cat and to persue the dog. So far, nothing. I’m not really an animal guy – I’ve got dogs and a cat, but mostly I just tolerate them – but nor do I want any of them to be injured or killed. This really bummed me out.
  • The coup de grace was when my wife lost her job on Friday, due to budget cuts. True, this really directly affects her more than me, but the loss of income will be felt.

Ok, people – I try hard to make you smile as often as I can. It’s your turn. As usual, naked boobies are more than welcome.

Peace.

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