This is for anyone who lives in Atlanta, who has ever lived in Atlanta, has ever visited Atlanta, ever plans to visit Atlanta, knows anyone who already lives in Atlanta, or knows anyone who has ever heard of Atlanta, Georgia, also known as Hotlanta, A-Town, the Dirty South, The ATL, and The Place Where Hope Dies. I’m not hating on ATL; in fact, I kinda like that town. I have many good friends there. But that doesn’t take away the fact that driving there is just slightly less difficult than understanding particle physics and comparative politics.

Atlanta is composed mostly of one-way streets. The only way to get out of downtown Atlanta is to turn around and start over when you reach Greenville, South Carolina. All directions start with, “Go down Peachtree” and include the phrase, “When you see the Waffle House.” Except that in Cobb County, all directions begin with, “Go to the Big Chicken”, or “See that black guy running for his life? It’s just past there.”

Peachtree Street has no beginning and no end and is not to be confused with:
Peachtree Circle
Peachtree Place
Peachtree Lane
Peachtree Road
Peachtree Parkway
Peachtree Run
Peachtree Terrace
Peachtree Avenue
Peachtree Commons
Peachtree Battle
Peachtree Corners
New Peachtree
Old Peachtree
West Peachtree
Peachtree-Dunwoody
Peachtree-Chamblee
Peachtree Industrial Boulevard

Atlantans only know their way to work and their way home. If you ask anyone for directions they will
always send you down Peachtree.

Gate One at Atlanta’s Hartsfield International Airport is 32 miles away from the Main Concourse, so wear sneakers and pack a lunch.

The 8am rush hour is from 6:30 to 10:30 AM.
The 5pm rush hour is from 3:00 to 7:30 PM.
Friday’s rush hour starts Thursday afternoon and lasts through 2am Saturday.

A native can only pronounce Ponce De Leon Avenue, so do not attempt the Spanish pronunciation. People will simply tilt their heads to the right and stare at you. The Atlanta pronunciation is “pawns duh LEE-on”.

The falling of one raindrop causes all drivers to immediately forget all traffic rules. If a single
snowflake falls, the city is paralyzed for three days and it’s on all the channels as a news flash every 15 minutes for a week. All grocery stores will be sold out of milk,bread, bottled water, toilet paper, and beer.

I-285, the loop that encircles Atlanta that has a posted speed limit of 55 mph (but you have to maintain 80 mph just to keep from getting run over), is known to truckers as “The Watermelon 500.”

Don’t believe the directional markers on highways. I-285 is marked “East” and “West” but you may be going “North” or “South”. The locals identify the direction by referring to the “Inner Loop” and the “Outer Loop”. If you travel on Hwy 92 North, you will actually be going southeast.

Never buy a ladder or mattress in Atlanta. Just go to one of the interstates and you will soon find one in the middle of the road.

The last thing you want to do is give another driver the finger, unless your car is armored, your trigger finger is itchy and your AK-47 has a full clip.

Peace.

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