NORTH PORT, Fla. - A teenager died Saturday night after
being impaled by the blade of a sword that separated from
the handle. Jonathan Sullivan, 17, was killed when his
friend swung the sword and the blade came off and struck him
in the chest. Sullivan collapsed in the kitchen of the North
Port home after the blade stabbed his chest, and was taken
by helicopter to a St. Petersburg hospital. He was later
pronounced dead. The 18-year-old male who allegedly swung
the sword was not identified by police. "It appears to be
accidental, although this is an ongoing investigation," said
Capt. Robert Estrada. "There are no charges at this time."

This is a sad, sad story, and I really shouldn't mock it...but
you know I will. I mean, come on. 17 and 18, and they didn't
know any better than to not swing real swords in the general
direction of another human being? I'm guessing the surviving 18
year old has as many girlfriends as I have ovaries. Idiots.
Hello, Darwin Awards? I think I've got one for ya.
BOSTON - Gregg Miller has designed some new balls for dogs,
but these won't be used while playing fetch. Miller has just
received an Ig Nobel Prize for his invention - prosthetic
testicles for neutered dogs. It all started 10 years ago with
an experiment on an unwitting Rottweiler named Max, and has
turned into a booming mail-order business. Miller has sold
over 150,000 of his 'Neuticles,' which come in different sizes,
shapes, weights and degrees of firmness. According to the
Neuticles website, the silicone implants allow a pet "to
retain his natural look" and "self esteem." Miller is very
honored to be given the Ig Nobel Prize, which rewards the
humorous, creative and odd side of science.

I don't know what an "lg Nobel Prize" is, but I'm pretty sure
someone did more rewarding work than designing fake balls for
neutered dogs. I'm sure of it. I bet if I search the web, I'll
find someone who made a cure for doggy syphilis or 3-leggedness
or pissing on hydrants, all of which are more deserving of this
so-called Nobel Prize than the guy who made Fake Fido Gonads. Are
you telling me that neutered dogs are walking around saying "Damn,
I wish I had my nuts so I can lick 'em"? Please.
PHNOM PENH, Cambodia - A Cambodian couple bit off more they
could chew when they attacked their 12-year-old child early
Thursday morning. Chheng Chhorn and Srun Yoeung bit off
their daughter's thumb nails and a small chunk of her nose
to drink her blood. Neighbors arrived and rescued the girl
after hearing her screams. The girl was treated in a hospital
in Kampong Cham, about 50 miles east of Phom Penh, and then
placed in the custody of other villagers. Relatives took her
parents to a black magic healer to try and chase away the
evil spirit that was believed to possess them. "We, the
police, just have no idea what offense to charge them with,"

I have no words. I....I really have no words. 
NORTH WALES - A youth at the Welsh Mountain Zoo stole a
white rabbit and threw it into the alligator pool in an act
that is being described as "senseless barbarity." The youth,
who is being sought by police, took a rabbit from the
children's farm and brought it to the alligator exhibit.
"He grabbed the rabbit and took it a distance of 20-30 yards
to the alligator beach and threw it into the pool," zoo
director Chris Jackson said. Witnesses were horrified to see
the poor animal still alive in the alligator's jaws before
it was killed. Staff detained one youth and handed him over
to police, but two more got away.

Hey, I've got an idea. Why don't we go pick this kid up from
school in a stretch limosine, give him an XBox 360 to play during
the ride, feed him all the pizza and spray cheese he can fit into
his overfed mouth, and then throw him into a cannibal camp (the
fact that there are no cannibals where there are limosines is utterly
immaterial. Roll with me here). We'll see how he likes it. I'm thinking
he'll give that a negative review. Now, I won't pretend that I didn't
feed Alka-Seltzer to frogs and seagulls back in South Carolina. I was
young! For those of you sensitive to animals, I won't bother to tell
you what happens when they eat Alka-Seltzer. Those of you who do want
to know, email me. But damn. This is totally different. It is.

Arkansas woman Michelle Duggar gave birth this week to a
baby girl. This wouldn't be a big deal except that the baby
is the 16th child for Michelle and her husband Jim Bob.
That's right. Johannah Faith Duggar has 10 brothers and five
sisters. "The entire family is excited to welcome another
child into their lives," Duggar said. "Everyone is healthy
and happy and doing wonderful." The other children range from
17-year-old Joshua to Jackson, who was born last year. All
have names beginning with J. The Discovery Channel has done
two TV specials on the family. The first, "14 Children and
Pregnant Again," was made a couple of kids ago and is getting
a reprise in honor of the new arrival. "Raising Your 16
Children" is underway is scheduled to air in March.

Thank God for the Discovery Channel. Otherwise the welfare
system would buckle under the weight of feeding SIXTEEN children.
Holy shit. I've got two, and that's plenty. I would be mixing arsenic
into my Tang at ten.
EDIT: I totally overlooked the fact that (a) they're from Arkansas,
which explains a lot; (b) all the kids have names that start with a
J, which is just bizarre; and (c) the husband's name is JIM BOB.
Jim Bob Duggar. There's the name of a Ph.D. candidate. Have you
ever noticed that there are no doctors, lawyers, physicists, college
professors, rocket scientists, or advertising executives named Jim Bob?
I can see the mullet now, waving in the breeze like a wounded animal
clinging to the antenna of a moving car. "Bob" is not an award-winning
middle name. The only  person who has really made it work for him
is Billy Bob Thorton, and although he's a great actor, he's not exactly
a shining example of good citizenship.
OVIEDO, Fla. - A fight broke out between two neighbors over
the color one man painted his house. Sam Awhal painted his
home tan with black trim, which happened to be the same
colors as Michael Dudley's house. The sheriff's report said
Dudley was upset over this, went over to talk to Awhal, and
then hit him. The man who was painting Awhal's house tried
to break up the fight. "He got very upset ... literally
attacked ... 'cause of black paint," said painter Steve
Yaworski. Dudley was charged, but was released from jail

They should both be beaten for painting their houses tan with
black trim. I think Mr. Dudley has a small, minor anger management
issue. Just a guess.
NORTON SHORES, Mich. - A Michigan man was arrested for shoe
theft after he allegedly trespassed at a school and athletic
shoes were found in his car that were way too big for him.
Police in Norton Shores believe that Roger Weil wanted the
shoes for "sexual gratification," the Muskegon Chronicle
reported. Jose Gutierrez, a security guard at Mona Shores
High School, found Weil in a hallway this week. Gutierrez
thought he looked like a man caught by a security camera in
November on the day a pair of shoes and $20 disappeared
from the school. Gutierrez called police and with the
responding officer escorted Weil to his car, where they
found a pair of size 14 shoes. Weil has a long history of
arrests and convictions for larceny, including previous
thefts of shoes from schools.

Um. What's more disturbing - the fact that he gets off on shoes,
or that he gets off on MALE shoes? Jose. Let's ratchet this fetish
back a little, huh? I bet the guys in the pen will let you smell
shoes. Male shoes. Probably your own. While you're bending over.
I suggest you get real good at either running or calling men "honey".


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