I swear. I don’t know what these parents are teaching these little brats these days, but whatever it is, it’s ineffective or just plain wrong. I think it’s a by-product of letting Yu-Gi-Oh raise their kids rather than that good-ol’ hands on parenting most of us got back in the day. Today I was dropping off my 3 year old at daycare, which I do everyday. And just like Fred Flintstone slides down the brontosaurus at 5pm sharp, my 3YO clutches and screams everyday as though I told him that Santa and Spongebob were fake. As I’m trying to dislodge my human octopus from my left leg, another little kid (we’ll call him Li’l Lucifer) comes running up to me to show me…something. This is pretty common, and I’ve learned to simply smile, nod, and occasionally say something like “Oh, really? WOW!” even though I have no friggin’ idea what the babbling little urchin is saying. Well, today Li’l Lucifer decided that words weren’t enough to convey his point. While I’m prying my 3YO’s arms from around my thigh, Lucifer strolls up and punches me square in the balls. With authority.

I mean, he did that shit with purpose, and with malice aforethought. I can imagine him sitting at his Dora the Explorer Little Tykes table, plotting his strategy like General Patton. There was no hesitation whatsoever. The last time I checked, my testicles are NOT pinatas, and there is no prize for hitting them as hard as you can, unless you call “ass whipping” a prize. After I get up, that is. And as I doubled over and seriously considered whippin’ his little ass till he turned black, he waved and smiled at me, like “See? THAT’S what I’ve been trying to tell you!” Somehow I kept my cool and said, forcefully, “No hitting! Hitting is BAD!” (yes, I’m a hypocrite. I tell kids not to hit, and yet I’ll spank a kid if he steps too far out of line. Parenting is Hypocrisy 101, and I’ve got a 4.0.), the teacher lazily looks over and says “Lucifer! Now that wasn’t nice!”

No shit.

Little kids suck. Except mine. Mine are angels. Except when they’re not.