AMSTERDAM (Reuters) – Dutch police have arrested a thief they dubbed the “salamander man” who talked his way into the homes of dozens of unsuspecting people by saying he was looking for his lost salamander, hamster or iguana.
Police said Monday they had been hunting the 33-year-old homeless man for months and that he had admitted to about 60 thefts in towns across the country.
Once inside a house, the man stole wallets and loose cash. Police arrested him Friday after a tip off and found nine empty wallets in his car, which had been stolen the day before.

Are Amsterdamians stupid? You’d think not, with the word “Damian” right there in the name, but come ON. Who lets a guy into their house, looking for a damn salamander? Maybe they left out the part where he blew angel dust into their faces as soon as they answered the door. Or where he tells them to hang on to his handful of treasury bills while he tosses their crib. I just can’t believe that dozens of people would say “Sure, come on in and see if ol’ Sally is in here. I’ll get you some tea and some wallet.” And who in the hell lets a stranger just stroll through their place, unaccompanied? I had a man over to fix my furnace last year, and I eyeballed him so much, my prescription changed. I gotta give Salamander Man props. That’s original.

I’d like to think that this would never work in the US, but I suspect it might be even easier here. Not for me, ‘cause I’m black, and libel to get shot on sight. But some enterprising white guy could go up to a house, tell the occupant that he’s looking for his lost jackalope, and I bet he’d even convince the person to help him lift their flatscreen DLP 50” TV into his truck, because “Jack-Jack really likes TV, and doing this might attract him to the truck, especially if I drive it around the block once or twice”. It could happen, and you all know someone who would call you and tell you it happened to them.

Kobe Bryant scored 81 points the other night. The entire team scored 122. Thankfully, they won the game. If I was one of his teammates, I would straight-up trip his ass on the way to the shower. All these sportscasters are up his butt, saying how great the performance was, and how history-making it was, and all this other bullshiznit, making him out to be Jesus 2.0 or something. I’m sorry – scoring 81 points is just selfish. And what does it prove? Yeah, he can score. So can I, if you give me a stepladder, a trampoline, a gallon of Gatorade, some Icy Hot, a splint, good insurance coverage, and no defenders. Big deal. If I was on the team, trying to scratch out a meager 10 points, I would be very unhappy with the jerk. When Kobe’s contract come up again, he’ll be making $100 million for his 36 points per game. But when someone else’s turn comes around, people will say “You only scored 10 a game. You’re not worth $2 million.” I’d be pissed. Who would make my Hummer payments? Who would help me drop $10,000 in Vegas in 3 hours at the strip club? Who would finance my diamond-and-marble interlocking tile foyer? No one, that’s who. And all because of Kobe. Bastard.

EDIT: Ahem. I’m not sure where that rant came from, but I’m keeping it.