Remember when USA Women’s Soccer went out and shocked the world by defeating China in the World Cup? Yeah, me too. Brandi Chastain, a member of Team USA, made news the world over by ripping off her top in a celebratory move copied by strippers from New York to New Guinea. It was awesome, and I was smitten. I was driven to write a song in honor of Ms. Chastain, a song which, had she ever seen it, would surely result in me getting arrested for being a stalker. A stalker with bad, bad songs about his prey. But fortunately for you, I knew better, and I put this slop away. Until now. I present to you, in all its crack-induced glory…”Soccer Lady”.

Keep in mind, although it sucks, it’s still copyrighted, so no copying. No one wants to get sued over some dumb-ass shit like this. Trust me.

Ni-Gah!!!

SOCCER LADY (BRANDI CHASTAIN)
Copyright (c) 2000

Brandi Chastain, I couldn’t complain
When you shocked the world with your effervescence
You lost all control, as you scored the winning goal
Now I’m living out my dreams in your essense

Brandi Chastain, you’re driving me insane
I wanna live on your block, cause you’re the girl next door (I cannot believe I wrote that.)
Can I fly out to L.A., just to sit and watch you play
I’d give anything just to see you score (on the field)

[CHORUS]

Soccer lady. with your bouncing hair of gold
You kicked that soccer ball right into my soul
Was it the net or my heart that was your goal?
I’m glad that you beat China
Cause there’s no one finer than you

Brandi Chastain, I’ve got you on the brain
I’ll think of you as you play in Sidney
You don’t have to say yes ma’am, to your teammate Mia Hamm
For you I’d reliquish both my kidneys (This is physically painful to read.)

Brandi Chastain, my world just ain’t the same
My time is spent, sittin’ thinkin’ of you
You’re nice and not too rowdy like your teammate Julie Foudy
Basically I’m saying that I love you (platonically)

[CHORUS]

Soccer lady. with your bouncing hair of gold
You kicked that soccer ball right into my soul
Was it the net or my heart that was your goal?
I’m glad that you beat China
Cause there’s no one finer than you

MUSICAL BREAK (No, I never committed any music to this. But I had ideas. Shoot me now.)

[CHORUS]

Soccer lady. with your bouncing hair of gold
You kicked that soccer ball right into my soul
Was it the net or my heart that was your goal?
I’m glad that you beat China
Cause there’s no one finer
I wanna sit in your recliner
And make a movie with Rob Reiner about you (I’m ill. There’s a songwriter in LA going into convulsions right now, simply because this broken-off piece of dehydrated moose shit exists.)

Yeah.

This was…I don’t know. I’ve written about 40-odd songs in my day, and this one is, by far, the worst. one. ever. I can’t begin to explain why I was compelled to commit that swill to paper, or why I didn’t stop after the first verse melted my eyeballs like the Germans on “Raiders of the Lost Ark”. I think I got a case of the gout just from re-reading it. I’m going to go drink something alcoholic, then question my sanity.

Peace.

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