I’m starting a new feature, by popular demand (“popular demand” = 3 people said they wouldn’t hate it if I did it). Every Wednesday, I’m going to post three weird or stupid news stories, and then provide my ever-witty commentary. I figure if Laurie can shank, I can…inform. Or something.

Let’s see what today will bring us, shall we? On with the show!

PRINCETON, Minn. – Self-described vampire and Minnesota
gubernatorial candidate Jonathan “The Impaler” Sharkey has
been arrested on Indiana charges of stalking and escape.
Sharkey is wanted in Indianapolis on the charges on which
bond has been set at $100,000. Princeton police said their
search discovered the May 2005 warrants that led to Sharkey’s
arrest Monday. Sharkey gained the limelight earlier this
month with his Friday the 13th announcement of his candi-
dacy for Minnesota governor under the Vampires, Witches and
Pagans Party banner. Among his proposals was one that would
use impalement to execute murderers, rapists and terrorists.

Minnesotans. What’s wrong with y’all? I know I’ve got 2 or 3 regular Minnesotans who read this, and it’s to you I plead. Why, why, WHY must you produce such freaks?Now, before you get in an uproar and start climbing on your tractors to drive down I-35 to come get me, hear me out. I understand that every state has its fair share of weird, stupid, strange, illogical, and downright crazy people, some more than others. And for damn sure, I can’t stand down here in Texas, pointing north and laughing – after all, Bush is from here. But more of our freaks don’t run for governor – again, excluding Texas, for the same Bush reasoning. Is it that easy to run for governor there? Actually, the more important question is who CAN’T be a goobernatorial candidate (I misspelled that on purpose)? Could I be governor of Minnesoooooooota? Oh man, I’d be a hellacious governor. First thing I’d do is merge Minneapolis and St. Paul, forming St. Minnie Paulapolis, the 3rd largest city in the country. It would be the home of the Funnel Cake. It would host the Olympics (winter, of course). It would rock. Oh, I’ll need a crown, ‘Sotans. Just for effect. We might even secede.


VIENNA, Austria - Deep snow saved the life of a man who fell  
130 feet from a helicopter Monday. The 42-year-old man was  
hanging from the helicopter by a rope to make repairs when  
the knot came loose and he slipped free. A fall from that  
height would normally result in serious injury or death, but  
the snow drifts cushioned the man's fall, police officials  
said. The man was taken by rescue helicopter to a hospital
for a checkup but appeared to have escaped with no injuries.

The man then immediately boarded a transatlantic flight to Las Vegas, with a 
brief stopover in Atlantic City. After a booze-and-floozy filled weekend which 
included 2 celebrities, an elephant, a 4-bar of Xanax, and his life savings, 
he realized he was only lucky once. Just once. He then attempted suicide by
attending a taping of "The View".

SAN DIEGO -- San Diego police are investigating a first: the  
theft of a $2,700 high-tech, self-warming toilet seat. An  
unidentified man told police he was trying to market the  
high-end commode seat, and had placed it in a storage shed.  
However, the shed was more than full, and he was unable to  
lock the door. He said the manufacturer had asked him to  
return it, and he then discovered it missing. The device is  
heated by water, and the temperature is thermostat-  
controlled. The San Diego Union-Tribune said the seat would  
likely be a hot buy on the black market. 

SCENE: Dark corner, night. Fog permeates the scene. Two MEN approach the corner from opposite directions. One MAN is struggling with a large object.

Man 1: “Yo, you got what I asked for?”
Man 2: (putting the object down) “Yeah, man. It wasn’t easy though. I had to open the door of a shed.”
Man 1: “Oh, shit. Was it locked?”
Man 2: “Thankfully, no. I didn’t know the 128-bit encrypted access code to that Rubbermaid bastard. It could’ve been real trouble. As it is, my price is going up.”
Man 1: “Man, come ON! We agreed on $10,000! My ass needs warmth!”
Man 2: “That was before I knew I had to open an unlocked door. The price just went up by $5000.”
Man 1: “This is robbery.”
Man 2: “Uh, no shit, Sherlock. Do want it or not? I’ve got a guy down the block who’ll buy it for 10Gs, without the lid on the back or the thermosthat. Take it or leave it.”
Man 1: “….My ass is really cold. I’ll take it.”
Man 2: “That’s what I thought. A pleasure doing business – HEY, don’t do that here! Take it home first! Jesus!”



My new favorite t-shirt