This week, the diatribes DIDN’T come from Bizarre News, so I have no need to pimp them. Although I just did.

Dammit.

Don’t look at me. Read.

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WEST MIFFLIN, Pa. (AP) – A 75-year-old woman accused of robbing a bank with an unloaded pistol was arrested after a tow truck driver blocked her in after a short chase, police said. Marilyn Divine of Baldwin said after her arrest that she acted “to help people who are starving to death and nobody cares about them.” She didn’t specify to whom she was referring. Police said the robber walked up to the National City Bank inside the Shop n’ Save supermarket in West Mifflin at about 10:30 a.m. Monday and demanded money from two tellers, brandishing a 9mm handgun. She was wearing a gray sweat suit, a Steelers tassel cap, and had a scarf pulled around her face, police said. A former bank employee chased the woman’s car until police took over and arrested her after a short, low-speed chase when the tow truck blocked her path. Police said they recovered all the stolen money, which totaled about $5,000. Divine was in the Allegheny County Jail unable to post bond Monday night on charges including armed robbery and reckless endangerment.

I can just see Granny Divine, looking like O-Dog from “Menace II Society”.


I wonder what the teller said, when Divine told her it was a stick-up. If it was me, I would’ve thrown my back out from laughing too hard – until she pulled out her 9 milly. I would’ve then gone from 0 to “Punk” in about 2.2 seconds, setting a new Guiness World Record for Becoming Someone’s Bitch. I’ve had a gun pulled on me once, and I gotta tell you, it’s real hard to be cool when you can damn-near see the bullet sitting in the chamber. And this guy wasn’t even gonna jack me or shoot me – he was just showing off. You will lose. Your. Fucking. Cool. And you try hard to keep cool – it just doesn’t happen. Me, I got all curious, like “S-say, homie, friend, homeboy, i-i-is that a B-b-b-beretta? I’ve never s-s-s-seen one so close – I mean, up close. Could y-y-y-you, um, show me what the back of it looks like? I got a pretty good look at the front p-p-p-part.” Seriously though, her statements show you how bad the elderly can be in our country. As in, they will ROB YOUR ASS. If you see an octogenarian with a walker and a do-rag, RUN. HARD.

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BERLIN (Reuters) – A German farmer confessed to feeding the corpse of an elderly family friend to his pigs and then stealing from his bank account, police said Monday. Police ruled out murder and the 29-year-old farmer has been charged with improper burial and fraud. The elderly friend died in the farmer’s yard in February 2005 and the farmer, through his mother, had power-of-attorney giving him access to the dead man’s bank account and pension. The farmer initially put the corpse in a deep freezer, police in the German town of Frizlar-Haddamar said, and told curious locals the old man was in a nursing home. “From lectures about various religions the 29-year-old knew that Buddhists either burn the dead or allow wild animals to eat them. That was how he decided to feed the corpse to his pigs,” the police statement said. He let the corpse thaw, dismembered it and fed it to his pigs. He put the parts the pigs did not eat into a sack and buried it. The farmer told police “it was a great act of stupidity” and said “the only explanation was his difficult financial situation at the time.”

Sooooooooo…dude dies on his farm, in the yard. Now, I’ve never been to Germany, but I’m pretty sure there’s some sort of governmental department that’s responsible for disposing of dead people. I bet they don’t even charge all that much – probably a minor pickup fee. Hell, shave some fur off a horse, rubber cement it to the dude’s ass, and call the ASPCA. Or the GSPCA. Or whatever the hell the group is called there. Tell ’em its a coyote. Oh, but no. Mr. MENSA has to make up an elaborate tale about nursing homes. Then he blames Buddha for giving him the idea to chop the poor bastard up and feed him to the pigs. Buddha’s standing there, hands in the air, saying “Wasn’t me. Ask Krishna about it.” And THEN to feed the body to his OWN pigs!!! Can you imagine him having people over for dinner, serving them pork chops, and having them say “Gee, Heinrich, these chops have an interesting flavor. What is that, Metamucil?” I don’t care how bad my finances have been (and they’ve been bad, ladies and gents – trust), never ONCE has the idea of feeding humans to pigs as a way to pay student loans entered my broke-ass mind. If I thought it would work, though, I’d have a very interesting solution to the homeless problem in America.

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LONDON (AP) – Bars and nightclubs in London and other British cities have begun using vending machines that sell sex toys such as mini vibrators. The pink Tabooboo machines had previously been used in public toilets in Britain, under the assumption that such settings gave buyers some privacy. But Geoff Todd, manager of the Alphabet Bar in London’s West End area, said the Tabooboo machine it installed in the middle of the bar is used daily. “Some people use it just because it’s in the bar. Some make a special journey, maybe because they are to embarrassed to go into a sex shop,” Todd was quoted as saying by Monday’s The Guardian newspaper. “Some buy the toys because they are a novelty, some do it for a laugh, some buy them as presents. It’s been a great success.” In addition to bars and nightclubs in London, Manchester and Newcastle, the vending machines also have begun to show up in hairdressing salons, health clubs and retail stores, Tabooboo managing director Alan Lucas said. He said the company also has exported about 20 of the machines to Italy and about 10 to the United States. “The younger generation isn’t phased by sex toys. They don’t believe they equal pornography. Vending machines allow them to buy such products anonymously without going to a seedy sex shops to do so,” Lucas said. The 11 different sex toys carried by the Tabooboo vending machines sell for an average 5 pounds (euro7.30, US$8.80) each, Lucas said.

Wait – people too embarassed to go to a sex shop to buy a vibrator are coming to BARS to buy them out in the open? Isn’t that like a crackhead trying to get crack from the Evidence room at a police station, because they’re too embarrassed to buy it on the corner? Wait, maybe it’s not like that at all. Whatever. Sometimes my analogies chop the “-ogies” part right off. Based on some of the prices I’ve seen for vibrators, being able to get one for about $9 will be a major boon for a lot of women. You can all put your electric toothbrushes and your 2-way pagers and your washing machines (on spin cycle) down – there’s a cheaper option. But would you really trust a sex toy that came from a vending machine? It can’t be that durable. Are they made by Mattel or Hasbro? Nah, probably Tonka. And would you walk up to the vending guy and say “Uh, can you put in 2 rows of Astroglide this time? Holla.” “Hey man, you’re fresh out of butt plugs. Do you ship the Larges?”

Ok, that last one was bad. But you’ve come to expect that from me by now, dammit. Lap it up.

Peace.

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