Welcome to the Diatribe, everyone. Lots of stuff happening in the news today, from Texas wildfires to Saddam’s trial to the Playstation 3 getting pushed back unto November, which sucks a lot. But it does give me time to save my money so I can stand in line. But I won’t be discussing these newsworthy items; nay, the scope of today’s discussion extends beyond the soaring gas prices and Bush’s approval rating (which is so low, it should be on a scale of 1 to 10 now). I have other things to discuss with you, gentle reader. Let us procede.

NEW YORK – It’s bad enough to rack up a $241,000 credit card bill. It’s even worse when you spend that whole 241K in one night…at a topless club. CEO Robert A. McCormick is being sued by American Express for payment of disputed credit card charges at the Manhattan club Scores. The credit card company claims that the Savvis Inc. CEO visited the club in October 2003 with at least three other men. However, when McCormick received the bill, Savvis called American Express to complain that some of the charges were fraudulent. The communications company said its CEO disputed all but about $20,000. Scores spokesman Lonnie Hanover said that “high rollers” spend thousands of dollars on single bottles of champagne and tip strippers as much as $10,000 for lap dances.

$241,000 at a strip club – in ONE night. Holy hell. Now, I’ve never been to Scores, though I hear Howard Stern talk about it frequently. Supposedly it’s one of the best strip clubs in all the land, providing God knows what to all sorts of lonely chaps. I say lonely because strip clubs are the ultimate scam. You go there, blow wads of cash (sometimes upwards of $241,000, apparently), and in the end, you go home empty-handed. I mean, you don’t even walk in there expecting to come out with anything – you KNOW you’re just gonna lose money. And for what? So some coke fiend named Lexus can grind her cold, clammy ass onto your fully-clothed lap, while you sit there not touching her? It’s a waste of time. I’m certainly not anti-hot chick – I love beautiful as much as the next man not named Simon Crowell (he’s gay, y’all. Feel it), but for the life of me I can’t see just throwing them money, just to know that at the end of the song, the girl disappears in a puff of smoke like a ninja. And to blow through $241K is UTTERLY RIDICULOUS! The most expensive whores on earth don’t cost that, and they’ll give you head! Strippers won’t even give you their real name! $10,000 lap dance tips? Jeez. The funny part of the story is that he disputed all but $20,000 of the charges, meaning he copped to blowing $20K in one night, which is still TOO MUCH. For $20K, the chicks better be doing things that “Real Sex” on HBO wouldn’t even film. I’m just saying.
NEW ZEALAND – The Federal Magistrate’s Court awarded $10,000 compensation to a fired insurance broker who repeatedly came to work intoxicated – and had even urinated in a wastebasket. Jirra Collings Ware claimed his workplace discriminated against his attention deficit disorder. He admitted in court to frequently coming back late from lunch when he drank alcohol and had been warned not to return to work drunk. Workplace experts warn that the court’s ruling in favor of Ware could open the gates for other employees to claim ADD or depression in cases such as these. Ware was awarded $10,000 compensation plus termination payments and other costs.

WHOA! He came to work drunk, repeatedly, and took a piss in a trash can…and got paid? And he ADMIITTED it in court! This man is my hero. Hey, I have ADD. It’s not even being treated currently, because of certain…side effects. I realize that this was in New Zealand, home of Xena the Warrior Princess and the New Zealand Sheepherders (does anyone other than me remember this pro wrestling team? They wore white-on-black camoflage pants, and bit each other’s head a lot – dammit, there goes my ADD again), but maybe I can do that here. I can be a landmark case in litigation! I could throw a little racial discrimination in there to boost my profits, too. I should be able to clear $20K, easy. Then I can help CEO Robert A. McCormick pay off his AmEx bill from the previous story.
NEW YORK – Potential jurors in the New York money laundering trial of the founding brothers of hip-hop label Murder Inc. took a written test to determine their Rap-Q. The 22-page questionnaire given to the federal jury pool of 125 sought their opinions of rap music, asked if they were fans of a number of hip-hop’s superstars including Ashanti and Ja Rule, who rose to fame on Murder Inc., now known as The Inc., the New York Post reported Monday. The government charges Irv and Chris “Gotti” Lorenzo started their label with seed money from drug kingpin Kenneth “Supreme” McGriff and laudered his drug money through their record dealings.

Clutch the pearls! Rap guys are possibly…SHADY? How will I ever listen to rap again, knowing that? I’m gonng have to start listening to hasidic Jewish reggae rappers now. (No joke – check out a guy named Matisyahu, who *is* a hasidic Jewish reggae rapper). The real funny in this story is the thought of the jurors going over the questionnaire. Here are some questions I would’ve included on there, had I written it:

  1. How many times was 50 Cent shot?
  2. If a train leaves New York going 40 mph, and one leaves Detroit going 50 mph, how many girls could R. Kelly piss on before he got caught?
  3. How fat IS Fat Joe?
  4. If you name your record label Murder, Inc., how long will it take for someone in your organization to get arrested for murder?
  5. If you’re “beefin'” with a fellow juror, does that mean you’re fighting with him, or that you’ve invited him over for dinner?
  6. If you have 6 8-balls, and you get pulled over by the cops, how many 8-balls do you have to give the cops to reduce your crime from Trafficking to Reckless Endangerment?
  7. What is an 8-ball?
  8. Do you have any weed on you?
  9. Provide the name and styles of 3 of the greatest freestyle rappers who ever lived.
  10. Is Tupac still alive? If not, how has he put out a new album every year in the 10 years he’s been dead?

Yeah, that’ll weed out the jury pool.

I said “weed”. HA!

All stories come courtesy of Bizarre News. I don’t make this shit up.