Greetings, news fans! How appropriate that today is the day for the Diatribe, given Katie Couric’s announcement that she’s leaving the Today Show to be an anchor at CBS. We all know that I’m the best anchorperson around, because I don’t just report the news – I report it in a BLOG. And I carefully deconstruct the stories to draw out the key elements, and to show where the people went wrong. You think Katie’s gonna say things like “What the hell was he THINKING?” when she reads off her teleprompter? Not hardly. I have a smooth speaking voice too, which would make me a great fit for an op-ed piece somewhere. ARE YOU LISTENING, PEOPLE IN THE MEDIA WITH CASH? HIRE ME, DAMMIT!! I WILL BE YOUR BITCH!!

On with the Diatribe.

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SYDNEY – A 56-year-old Sydney man who tried to burn out a spider hole at a New South Wales nudist resort ended up burning himself in the flames. Pouring gasoline down what he believed to be a funnel web spider hole, he then lit a match to try and kill the spider. “The exploding gasoline fumes left the man with burns to 18 percent of his body, on the upper leg and buttocks,” the NRMA Careflight helicopter rescue service said in a statement. It didn’t help that the man wasn’t wearing anything to protect himself from the blaze. He was flown from the New South Wales southern highlands to a hospital and was reported in stable condition.

He should be reported in “stupid condition.” Now, let he who is without sin cast the first stone, and for sure, my hands are empty. I’ve done dumb things similar to this, but my antics have caveats:

  • I used kerosene, not gasoline, because while kerosene is flammable, gasoline is explosive.
  • I wore clothes when I did it.
  • I was in my 20s, not 50s. A 50 year old damn well better know more than to do that.

What was his escape strategy? He made a damn spider cannon in the ground between his legs, and didn’t even make a wick or remote detonator or oily rag or anything sensible to help him distance himself from the fire. He just chucked a match down a gas-filled hole, butt-ass naked, and waited for the fireworks. Who uses fire to kill spiders, anyway? Fire is for fire ants. Jeez. Everyone knows this. He better be glad I don’t work for the Sydney Fire Department, ’cause he wouldn’t get to the hospital for a couple of hours. I’d have him telling his story over and over again on the radio to all my friends. “Oooooo, my burns need attention!” “Dude, just tell Raymond what happened, man. Come on, I promise to take you to the Burn Ward right after Raymond hears it. Suck it up.”

Yeah, I’d be a pretty terrible firefighter.

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MIAMI – A Miami man was due in court on a car-stealing charge with no way to get there, so, police say, he stole another car to keep his date. That landed Thomas Minks in a lot of trouble — with the law catching up with him in the parking lot of the Miami-Dade Justice Building where a stun gun was used to stop him after he tried to flee and reportedly almost ran down two officers, the Miami Herald said. The Mercedes he was accused of stealing was equipped with a Global Positioning System that guided police right to him. Minks, 32, faces two counts of aggravated assault on police officers and single counts of grand theft auto and fleeing and eluding police officers.

Minks and Friend, chillin’ at Friend’s house.
Friend: “Yo, T, don’t you have court today?”
Minks: “Aw, shit, I forgot! Can you give me a ride there?”
Friend: “Squirrel, please. We’re in the 3rd quarter of Madden.”
Minks: “Then let me borrow your car. I can’t go to jail, man!”
Friend: “How about not stealing cars, then? You a damn car thief, and you think I’mma let you drive MY car? And with my new rims on it? You better quit sniffing that glue and catch the bus, fool. Go on to court – I was whupping your ass anyway.”
Minks (walking away): “Punk ass. Calling ME a thief, and he ain’t paid for cable since ‘Dream On’ was on HBO. Hey, there go his car right there. I’ll just borrow it and bring it back after I get off.”

Committing a crime to make it to court for committing the SAME CRIME is just brilliant. This man needs to head up the CIA or something. His genius is overlooked.

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FREDERICA, Del. – What appeared to be an elaborate Halloween decoration turned out to be the body of a woman who killed herself. The woman’s hanging body went unreported for hours because passers-by thought the body was a Halloween decoration. The woman used rope to hang herself across the street from some homes on a moderately busy road. Her body could easily be seen by passing motorists. State police spokesman Cpl. Jeff Oldham and neighbors said the body was noticed but dismissed as a Halloween prank. “They thought it was a Halloween decoration,” Fay Glanden, wife of Mayor William Glanden, told The (Wilmington) News Journal. “It looked like something somebody would have rigged up,” she said.

Daaaaaaaaamn. Now, that’s no respect. She was obviously a troubled person, probably depressed or sick or both, and even in death she was overlooked. Truly, though, she should’ve been smarter than to commit suicide by hanging on or around Halloween. She should’ve at least put a sign around her neck that said “No, really” or “I’m a real corpse” or “Dead sexy”. Something, anything, to indicate that the police should be notified.

I’ve never really understood suicide, anyway. Statistically, black people don’t kill themselves – shit, we know how much a funeral costs, and our mommas would hire a voodoo witch doctor to bring us back to life just so they could beat our asses for costing them so much money. And by God, if I WAS gonna kill myself, it would be spectacular. I’d call the news and tell ’em a race riot/orgy/political rally was taking place downtown, and while they rushed down there, I’d drive like a maniac, causing hysteria and mass confusion on the roads. When I did get there, I’d have a fake bomb strapped to my chest, grab a news microphone, and talk all KINDS of shit to all the people I disliked. Then I’d clutch the fake detonator, run top-speed down the street toward the rail station, while throwing money and food stamps at the homeless people around. Once there, I’d demand a porn star, pizza with green olives and ribs, and a large vat of Tang with crushed ice. After satisfying myself, I’d make my announcement, flip off the cameras, call the cops a bunch of murdering pigs, then run headfirst into the crowd of squad cars, screaming “JIHAD” at the top of my lungs. Blaze of GLORY! NO ONE would EVER forget me. That’s how you do it.

Peace.

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