Now, this story actually has nothing to do with Chinese people, per se, but since all my other work posts are in this major, I have to include this other related course work, too. Consider this post an elective. Take it if you want – the grade counts if you do, though. And for God’s sake, check your syllabus. I’m not the type of professor that tells you up front when the tests are. It’s on your shoulders.

A couple of weeks ago, I was sitting my cubicle, minding my own business, listening to Ludacris or Busta Rhymes or some other rap music, because this is what motivates me. And by “motivate” I mean “calm me down”, because usually I’m in a state of high tension due to rampant silliness here. Anyway, as I was sitting there trying to write this 250 page manual, the HR chick dropped by. She’s a nice woman, cute, but she’s a little…slow. I’ve actually asked someone here if she’s got a mental defect, or if she’s just stupid, or if she’s just very very clever and is hiding her real intelligence for fear they’ll make her do more work if it’s ever found out. I was assured that she’s just stupid. She popped in and said “Damian, can you follow me, please?” Normally someone would ask what’s up when HR asks them to follow them somewhere, but I’m jaded now, and I don’t really care what’s up. I prescribe to the IAPTS philosophy of professional behavior. What’s IAPTS, you ask? Allow me to enlighten:

I
t All Pays The Same

I’m salaried. I don’t get paid overtime. My rate of pay never wavers. IAPTS dictates that I say to myself, “Whatever they want you to do, do it. It pays the same rate no matter what. You get paid no less for sweeping the breakroom than you do for writing a technical manual.” This philosophy will get you by in times of strife and turmoil, and will truly make your day zoom by faster than a Canadian sprinter on steroids running the 100M high on meth and being chased by 15 imaginary Rottweilers. It really works.

So, I hopped up and followed her, whistling all the way. The last time I followed HR somewhere, I got laid off. I was ready for it then, and I was more than ready for it now. I was trying to decide exactly how black to get when we suddenly stopped in front of a cubicle on the other side of the floor. She turned and said “This is going to be your new cube.” Whatever. It’s not like the other one had running water or satellite TV or anything. The only problem was that this new cubicle was already occupied. When I pointed that out, she said “Oh, don’t worry – Lei Me here is moving down to another floor, so you can move in later today.” (Lei Me obviously isn’t her real name, but it sounds funny, so that’s what we’re going with, OK? OK.)

Lei Me: “But I’m not moving to another floor.”
HR: “Yes you are. Your whole group is moving.”

Lei Me: “Not me. I’m moving to California.”

HR (
flustered): “Um, OK. Well, Damian, you move in when she moves to California. Lei, when’s that?”
Lei Me: “May.”

HR (
really flustered): “Well, that won’t work. We need to move Damian today.”
Lei Me: “Why can’t he sit in that empty cube right there?”

At this point, my supervisor walked into the conversation, and he chimed in with:

Super: “Or why can’t he move into THAT cube right there? It’s empty, too.”
Me: “Yeah, actually, I’d rather move over there than into Lei Me’s cube, anyway.”

Super: “Yeah, ’cause that cube is bigger, and he needs the space for his manuals.”

Lei Me: “Plus he could move in today, and not wait.”

Me: “Yeah, that makes sense to me, too.”

HR (
losing her shit): “I DON’T KNOW, OK? I JUST DO WHAT THEY TELL ME!”
(silence)

HR (
recovering): “Well…Damian, you move into Lei Me’s cube whenever she moves, OK?”
Me: “Whatever. Keep it clean for me, Lei.”

And I walked back to my cube, whistling, completely unable to recover that lost 5 minutes of my life. The end result was…nothing. I’m still in the same cube.

I love this place.

Peace.

EDIT: OK, I’m grossed out. I just went to the breakroom, and I saw this in the hallway:

Yep. It’s a roach. I think he’s our tech support roach. I let him go on his way. Maybe the servers were down or something. Unreal.

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