Whaaaaaaaaaaaaasssssssssssuuuuuuupppp!

Yeah, I know that phrase is well past its expiration date, but if I don’t keep the past alive, who will? It’s not a good week to be a celeb. Britney Spears had CPS out at her house, the rapper Proof was killed outside a nightclub, and Courtney Love is still Courtney Love. But the Diatribe’s alive and well, and ready to talk some shit about things. Let’s get to work!

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SPRINGFIELD, Mass. — A baby shower erupted into a fight among guests in which one man was shot and several other people, including the seven-months-pregnant guest of honor, were beaten with a stick, police say. Three people were arrested after the brawl, described by police as a “baby shower gone bad.” Police said the shooting victim, Aristotle Garcia, got into a fight with a man who is dating his ex-girlfriend. The argument, over whether the woman let their 5-year-old daughter drink beer, escalated and drew in two other people — Jazz Rivas and Juan Velazquez, said Police Lt. Cheryl C. Claprood. When the baby shower’s hostess tried to intervene, Rivas began hitting some of the guests, including the 22-year-old mother-to-be, with a large stick, she said. Velazquez fired a gun in the air, then fired it into the crowd, hitting Garcia in the stomach, according to police. Garcia, 26, was in stable condition at Baystate Medical Center. The mother-to-be was treated after the incident Saturday and released. Velazquez, 19, was arrested Tuesday and charged with assault and battery with a dangerous weapon, armed assault with intent to murder. He had not yet been arraigned as of Wednesday morning. The man Garcia was initially fighting with, Antonio Santiago, 25, pleaded innocent to similar charges on Tuesday and was ordered held in lieu of $50,000 bail. Rivas, 22, pleaded innocent to three counts of assault and battery with a dangerous weapon and one count of assault and battery on a pregnant female. His bail was set at $10,000.

I have several things to address with this story. First, let’s start with the names. Aristotle? Jazz? Who the hell names their child Aristotle? Sure, he was a great philosopher, but his name sounds like something you catch from sitting on Dennis Rodman’s toilet seat without a paper ring. And Jazz? That name is reserved for strippers, rappers, and people who can’t spell “Jasmine”. Second, they were arguing…over whether the girlfriend let the 5 year old daughter drink beer. How does this even become an issue? Was the fridge one Olde English 800 shy of a six-pack? I know when someone drinks MY OE, I get testy, too. I can see the little girl, knocking back a 40oz. malt liquor, savoring the flavor, when her mami rounds the corner, spots her, and yells “Mija (mi hija, or ‘my daughter’), that better not be the last one!” When Babydaddy picks her up in his El Camino to take her to his poker game, and smells beer on her breath, naturally he’d be upset. After all, she didn’t bring him one. And third, they had an all-out brawl at a baby shower! A BABY….SHOWER!!! Let that soak in. A baby shower. The expecting mother got hit with a damn stick by a guy who wasn’t even initially in the argument! And then they started busting caps, because that’s what comes next in the script called How To Live Up (Or Down) To The Worst Stereotypes Of Your Race.

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LOS ANGELES (AP) – An 82-year-old woman received a $114 ticket for taking too long to cross a street. Mayvis Coyle said she began shuffling with her cane across Foothill Boulevard in the San Fernando Valley when the light was green, but was unable to make it to the other side before it turned red. She said the motorcycle officer who ticketed her on Feb. 15 told her she was obstructing traffic. “I think it’s completely outrageous,” said Coyle, who described herself as a Cherokee medicine woman. “He treated me like a 6-year-old, like I don’t know what I’m doing.” Los Angeles police Sgt. Mike Zaboski of the Valley Traffic Division said police are cracking down on people who improperly cross streets because pedestrian accidents are above normal. He said he could not comment on Coyle’s ticket other than to say that it is her word against that of the citing officer, identified only as Officer Kelly. “I’d rather not have angry pedestrians,” Zaboski said. “But I’d rather have them be alive.” Others, however, supported Coyle’s contention that the light in question doesn’t give people enough time to cross the busy, five-lane boulevard. “I can go halfway, then the light changes,” said Edith Krause, 78, who uses an electric cart because she has difficulty walking. On Friday, the light changed too quickly even for high school students to make it across without running. It went from green to red in 20 seconds. Councilwoman Wendy Greuel said she has asked transportation officials to figure out how to accommodate elderly people. “We should look at those areas with predominantly seniors and accommodate their needs in intersections” she said.

Why don’t they just pull a Soylent Green (I’m here to educate AND entertain! Edutainment! Continue.) and eliminate old people altogether? I mean, giving an elderly person a big-ass ticket for crossing too slow is tantamout to saying “Die, Aunt of Moses.” This poor woman probably makes just enough per month to sustain herself, and Assface Officer is going to make her forego something vital just in order to pay off his god complex. It’s shit like this that can turn John Q. Public against the police, which is sad, ’cause most police officers are honest, hard-working people who are doing a job we wouldn’t do at gunpoint. Speaking of gunpoint, if he wanted her to move faster, why didn’t he just whip out his service revolver like Tackleberry from “Police Academy” and promise to drop some hot lead in her Depends if she didn’t pick up the pace? I betcha she woulda looked like Carl Lewis running down a greased embankment away from a pack of Klansmen. He’d better watch out. She’s a Cherokee medicine woman. He’ll wake up one morning with his penis missing and an unsuppressable urge to play blackjack at a casino.
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WATERLOO, Iowa – Some people will do anything to get out of work. James Ralph Snyder and Mary Jo Elizabeth Jensen tried to justify days of missed work by making up a fake obituary for Jensen’s 17-year-old son and submitting it to a newspaper. Snyder, Jensen’s boyfriend, claimed to be the boy’s father and sent the obituary to the Waterloo-Cedar Falls Courier in December. Later that week, folks who know the family saw the teenager at a restaurant and notified authorities. Snyder and Jensen, employees at Tyson Foods in Waterloo, had been taking time off work saying her son was sick in the hospital. Tyson officials were later told the teen was on life support and eventually died. Snyder was charged with tampering with records, and Jensen was charged with being an accessory after the fact.

Vacation days. They’re called “Vacation days”. Use ’em. Love ’em. What ever happened to just calling in sick? Did they even think this thing through? Even a stoner in a field of pot could stop for a moment and work their way through THIS scenario. Surely they had to know that (a) someone would see the obit, and then (b) see the son. This ain’t the X-Files. People would employ Ockham’s Razor (or Occam’s Razor, depending on your tastes) which basically states that the simplest explanation is probably the right one. I see obituary about kid, then I see kid, I’m thinking “somebody lied to me”, not “Oh shit, a zombie!” Stupid people make my left eye twitch. I think I’ll write a poem about stupid people, right here, on the fly. I’m good like that.

Stupid People by Dark Damian
If only I could climb a steeple
And throw rocks at all stupid people.
My arm would prolly come out of joint,
But stupid folk would get the point.

There. I feel better now.

Until next week!

Peace.

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