101.

That’s how hot it was here yesterday. 101 degrees. I swear I saw Satan and a gila monster eating snowcones on the corner. It was THAT hot. In APRIL! And yet the Bush administration claims that the Greenhouse effect has been overstated and blown out of proportion. Tell that to the power companies who were doing rolling blackouts to prevent massive system failures due to an unprecedented use of air conditioners! Tell that to my DVR, which was recording “House” when my power went out last night! Oy.

I’m grumpy. On with the news.

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LONGMONT, Colo. – Jason Niccum thought he had the perfect setup. Using a device that let him change traffic lights from red to green, he was able to practically fly to work everyday. But the party is over now that he has received a $50 ticket on suspicion of interfering with a traffic signal. Niccum said he bought the device on eBay for $100, and it has cut his driving time to work. “I guess in the two years I had it, that thing paid for itself,” he told the Daily Times-Call. The device is known as an Opticon and is similar to what firefighters use to change lights during emergencies. Niccum was cited after police caught him using the Opticon to change traffic lights.

Isn’t this the same thing criminals use in heist movies, when they’re planning their elaborate scheme to steal $400 million in rare gems, transfer them to another vehicle mid-route, and make their escape in a hot air balloon or something? This man should be heralded, not persecuted. He’s a damn genius! I love anyone who effectively thwarts the system, and this definitely counts as thwarting. I know, I know – it’s dangerous, it’s illegal, blah blah fuckety blah. Look. Think of what he gained, people!

  • Increased work productivity from getting there faster and more relaxed
  • Less gas consumption, which is good for the environment
  • Peace of mind from knowing that driving in traffic can indeed be pleasurable
  • Jessica Alba (I just threw that in there for effect)
  • Bragging rights over his friends, and you KNOW they all wanted to borrow that
  • Safety – what if he was going through a bad neighborhood, and didn’t want to be a victim of a smash ‘n’ dash or a carjacking?

Of course, his mistake was greed. He did that shit too much, got complacent, cocky, figured he wouldn’t get caught. I won’t make that mistake. I’m gonna be cooooooooooooooool about it. And I’ll bet you that all y’all will want to ride with The Kid when The Kid gets The Opticon.

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SCHENECTADY, N.Y. – A Sudanese wedding party was crashed early Sunday when an Albany woman attacked the group and splashed guests with a glass bottle full of acid. Six people were injured, including two firefighters who were burned when they tried to treat the others. The firefighters thought they were going to the scene of a hot-water burn and didn’t realize it was acid until their fingers started burning. “Acid thrown in someone’s face is pretty unique,” said firefighter Darren Marino. “You gotta be pretty twisted. It was pretty nasty.” Police were trying to find out why the woman attacked the group.

I can tell you why – she was pissed. Duh! You just don’t throw acid on folks when you’re in a jolly mood. It takes an extremely high level of pisstivity to come up with THAT as a method of payback or whatever. Somebody there knows what’s up, and they aren’t talking about it. You don’t just roll up on a wedding and start dousing people with acid if someone there hasn’t kicked your dog or stolen your last Tootsie Roll or made out with your mom. It just doesn’t happen. Think of all the violence that woman opted NOT to use! She skipped throwing eggs, throwing rocks (my favorite), throwing bricks, using a BB or pellet gun, throwing a box of cockroaches, throwing a bottle of her own urine, pulling a ‘Tonya Harding’ and whacking some knees, paying hookers to do lapdances, showing pictures of the bride and/or groom in compromising positions, pistol-whipping, giving a toast where you jank on everyone there, releasing wild turkeys, spiking the punch…the list goes on and on. I guess the good thing is that no one had to do the Electric Slide at the reception.

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UNIONTOWN, Pa. – A man was so angry that his girlfriend wouldn’t heat up sandwiches that he threw a microwave at her and then proceeded to beat her to death. Walter Fordyce told police he argued with his live-in girlfriend, Mary McCann, when things escalated. He threw her to the floor, hurled a microwave oven onto her chest, and then stomped on her chest and banged her head against the floor. However, Fordyce claims his intent wasn’t to kill her. “It was an accident. I didn’t do it on purpose,” police quoted Fordyce as saying. He apparently ran to a neighbor’s for help, but nobody was home. He came back home and discovered she had no pulse, but found the time to go downstairs and drink a beer before going to another neighbor’s home to have them call 911.

Jesus. This man wants his food HOT! I mean, damn! Let’s break this story down piece by piece, shall we?

  • He threw her to the floor. Violence, especially over food items, is wrong. It’s just a sandwich, man. Heat it up your damn self.
  • He hurled a microwave oven onto her chest. OK, I’ll give you some leeway on throwing her down. It’s still wrong, but hey, shit gets outta hand sometimes. But throwing the microwave on her chest? Dawg, how’s she gonna heat up your sandwich now? She can’t breathe, and the microwave’s broken. Idiot!
  • He stomped on her chest and banged her head against the floor. You KNOW you’re messing up now. When you’re stomping on someone’s chest, you’re in the wrong. Period. You won already. It’s over. Stop. NOTHING is that bad that you have to stomp a chest over it! Especially not a sandwich!
  • He had a beer before finally getting in touch with 911. Well, yeah. Killing someone makes you parched.

The coup de grace is that he said it was an accident. Let’s see, which part? The part where you threw an appliance at her? Were you only trying to scare her? Or was it when you were stomping on her chest? Ooooh, you were just trying to kick the microwave OFF her, I get it. And the head-bashing? You were just trying to revive her, and the hardwood floor was fucking up your concentration. I see it all now. Well, the good thing is that if you like your food warm, you’ll be getting plenty of warm things in your lying mouth in prison. Enjoy! Douche.

Peace.
All news is courtesy of Bizarre News. I don’t make this shit up.

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