I’m a good listener, folks. I’m the type of uber-attentive, hearing what lies beneath type of listener that other people flock to like basketball arenas on “free chalupa” nights. I am usually quite adept at dispensing dead-on advice that is thoughtful, sensitive, intelligent, and sincere. And of course, I have no ability to do this for my own self, but hey, if that’s my only flaw, send me my halo C.O.D.

So, because many of my friends know that I’m a guy they can talk to and get the straight scoop, I’m gonna open myself up to the world with a semi-regular feature called Ask Dark Damian, or A.D.D. There’s a joke there, and you short-bus riders will get it when you go to lunch with Carol and that ugly chick from Accounting whose breath smells like bologna and Pall Malls.

Here’s the deal: send me questions via email or comments, and I’ll post the good ones with my (probably comic) replies. I assure you of your anonimiter – uh, anonomouseltly – mmm, anonimonitys – I won’t say who you are, dammit. I’ll just present the question, and offer my sage advice. For free. So let’s rock this funky joint. I’ve already got my first question. And it’s a real one, too.

I think my butt is big. What are the proper measurements for a woman of 5’3″? Thank you!
Sincerely, GHETTOBOOTY

Well, GB, I suppose there IS such a thing as too big in reference to booty size, but keep in mind that you’re asking a black man, and that’s like asking rich people if it’s possible to have too much money. Before diving into the proper booty measurements of a 5’3″ woman, it’s best to say that it’s all about proportions. If you’re 5’3″, 130 lbs, with a hip size of, say, 36-42, you’re doing all right in my book. That’s not too bad. If you’re 160 lbs with a hip size of 42-50, well, you’re still proportional, though I might suggest some pilates and to lay off the Mr. Goodbars. I’ve seen it all. I know someone of average build with a booty so big, you can put deck chairs on it. I know larger women suffering from noassitol. It’s all about how comfortable YOU are with your body, GB. If you’ve got some man (or woman, since I don’t wanna be leavin’ folks out) who is telling you that your booty’s too big, it just means that they can’t handle it. Shake what your momma gave ya. The great philosopher Sir Mix-A-Lot said, “Yeah baby, When it comes to females, Cosmo ain’t got nothin’ to do with my selection. 36-24-36? Only if she’s 5’3″.” So see, you’re right in there. Thanks for the question. Your gift is on your booty. Get someone to help you retrieve it.

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I need sex, but I’m not gettin’ any! What’s a girl to do?
Signed, Frustrated

Wait, wait. You’re a woman, right? You can have sex virtually anytime you want. How do you NOT have sex, if you really want it? Not a half-hearted, take-it-or-leave-it type attempt – I mean, it’s HARD for a guy (I’m assuming your mate is male here) to just flatly turned down piping hot poontang when presented overtly. I personally know men who haven’t had poonanny since poonanny had THEM, and who would trade body parts, their OWN body pants, just to get a WHIFF of the booty. Women hold all the keys, they know all the combinations, they built all the locks. My advice to you is the direct approach. No, not talking – talking only goes so far. I mean ACTION. The XTREME direct approach. Break out the Victoria’s Secret crotchless panties and dive-bomb him as he’s walking from the bathroom to the bedroom. Sneak up on him, ninja-style, and perform a naked flying scissor kick around his face. Attack him in his sleep. Refer to him as “The Lovemaster” instead of his real name. Hide his carkeys in your bra. Hide his porn under your pillow. Love is war, and you must become a Navy SEAL up in there. If all that fails, tell him that you think Wesley Snipes is one fiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiine lookin’ brova, and you wouldn’t mind having some of that dark chocolate. He’ll come around. Thanks for the question. Your gift is in the new Adam and Eve catalog.

Until next time, I leave you with this.
Leather. It’s not for everyone. If you need to use baby powder just when you’re thinking about putting on leather, try something else instead. Stick with cotton.

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