Yo yo yo! Happy May to all y’all mofos out there. I saw this video, and I spit Tang in a wide arc. You have GOT to see this, but only if you have speakers – preferably headphones, since this “preacher” hasn’t met a curse word he doesn’t like. I love him, yet I fear him. He looks like the type of minister who’d say “If you don’t believe in God, I will SHOOT YOUR ASS!” I’m sure the South Central L.A. Church of the 40 Ounce Christ is in his eternal debt. Anyway, after you absorb all that religion, come back and see what’s been brewing in the Diatribe since last we met.

And oh, if you’re in the Dallas area, I BETTER see you at one of Nonetheless‘ 2 shows this weekend. And bring friends. Alcoholic friends. Free shots to the first 50 people who say they’re there to see us.

Let’s roll!

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KUALA LUMPUR, Malaysia – It seems that love knows no age for a 33-year-old man who recently tied the knot with his 104-year-old bride. Muhamed Noor Che Musa said he found peace and a sense of belonging after meeting Wook Kundor. “I am not after her money, as she is poor,” Muhamad reportedly said. The marriage marks the first for Muhamed, and the 21st for his wife. He said he hoped to help his new bride to master Roman script while she taught him Islamic religious knowledge. It was not said, however, if any of Wook’s previous 20 husbands are still alive. Although it’s common for Malaysian Muslim men to take up to four wives at a time, it’s rare for a woman to marry more than once.

This is the part where I would normally make some crass joke about the groom marrying his great-grandma, or how consumating the marriage would require KY and a time machine, or how she make Elizabeth Taylor look meek by comparison, with all those marriages, or how she’s going through her 70-year itch – but that’s just gross. She’s 104. I’m surprised she made it through the reception. I mean, I’ve heard of starter marriages, but this guy is taking it to the extreme. How do you even plan anything when your spouse is 104? “Honey, do you want to go into town this weekend?” “Ohhh, I don’t know…we’ll see if I’m alive then.” Does he have a casket on layaway? It just seems awfully risky to me. And the wife! This is her 21st marriage! If at first you don’t succeed, try and try and try and try and try and try and try and try and try and try and try and try and try and try and try and try and try and try and try and try again.

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TORONTO – A Canadian family is horrified that someone broke into a funeral parlor and cut off their mother’s head, leaving behind her earrings and a cash donation. The family of 68-year-old Cecile Lemay is offering a reward for the return of their mother’s head, which was hacked from her body by a thief or thieves last summer. “Each morning, when we get up, we ask ourselves: ‘Where is the head? Will it show up on our lawn one morning?’,” the Globe and Mail newspaper quoted Lemay’s sister Carmelle as saying. Information leading to the return of the missing head will earn a reward of C$10,000 ($8,900). “We think about it each day. We can’t find closure and we want to know who did it and why,” another of Lemay’s sisters, Ghyslaine, said.

Maybe it was the guy from the previous story, just trying to get a little head from a younger woman. Who steals a human head, and leaves the earrings AND a cash donation? At first, I thought “voodoo priest”, but then I realized that black people wouldn’t break into a funeral home to steal a head (that they had to cut off), then LEAVE money behind. I’d be curious to know the going rate for a human head, though. How much did they leave? $5? $100? What would they consider to be enough to make the family say “Hey, who in the HELL took Cecile’s head – oh wait, they left a C-note. It’s all good”? Seriously though, this is reprehensible. To NOT take the earrings is basically a commentary on her tastes and on the fashion sense of her family. I’d be pissed off if they thought my earrings weren’t good enough to take. Oh, wait.

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PORTLAND, Ore. – An Oregon man has made it into medical journals by surviving with 12 nails fired into his skull in an unsuccessful suicide attempt. The case of the unidentified 33-year-old was reported in the Journal of Neurosurgery, in which Dr. Alexander West described the treatment, Sky News reported. He said the man came to the emergency department complaining about a headache. The nails were not visible, but showed up clearly in x-rays, the report said. At first the man said he had had an accident with the nail gun, but then said he was high on methamphetamines when he tried to take his life. Surgeons removed the nails with needle-nosed pliers and a drill, and the man survived with no serious lasting effects, the journal said.

Wow. Meth makes you invulnerable? Why don’t we give meth to our soldiers and turn ’em loose in Jalalabad? Tweak ’em out, give ’em guns, point ’em in the general direction of Osama Bin Laden, and let ’em go. Iraq would be a smoking crater filled with emtpy Pop-Tart wrappers and Red Bull cans. Now, I’ve never been high on meth, and I have zero plans to give it a go, but I have to think that after 6 or 7 nails, you know your suicide attempt was less than successful. Does meth really make you so hopped up that you don’t know a bad idea like THAT when it comes to you? I’ll grant him the first few nails. High people do some crazy shit, no doubt – just ask Dave Chappelle about his trip to Africa. But 12 nails?? Damn, that’s overachieving. I’d call it ‘overkill’, but obviously that wasn’t the case here. I think it’s funny that his ER complaint was “I have a headache”. Isn’t that like Stevie Wonder complaining about blurry vision, or 50 Cent complaining about chest pains after getting shot 9 times? My best friend Duke is a doctor, and I can just imagine his reaction to this: “No shit, sherlock. You have nails in your head.” Does anyone here watch “House”? I have the perfect solution for removing those nails, based on something I saw on that show the other night. Put that fool into the MRI machine and turn it on. The machine will pull the nails right out of his skull, lickety-split. He may not be able to form sentences afterwards, but I bet he’ll lay off the meth.

Peace.

All stories are courtesy of Bizarre News. I don’t make this shit up.

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