OK – Laurie and I are engaged. Yeah. Engaged. Engaged in a heated, trash-talking, name-calling, momma-insulting wager on the outcome of the Dallas Mavericks / Phoenix Suns Western Conference Finals playoff. As a diehard Mavs fan, I’m certain that my team will prevail. As a dedicated Suns fan, Laurie visits triplewides and has debates over the merits of Bud Light versus Keystone Light. The loser of the bet has to write a glowing, fawning, ass-kissing, back-rubbing, totally geeked out lovefest of a blog post about the winner, including discussing the merits of the winning team. Yeah. It’s spelled M-A-V-E-R-I-C-K-S, Laurie. Get it right, get it tight.

On with the D3.
——————–
ORLANDO, Fla. – A high school gym teacher is out of a job now after creating an outlandish scene outside of a bar over the weekend. David McCann stood in front of the bar, shirt unbuttoned, yelling to passers-by that he was Luke Skywalker. Officers tried to handcuff and restrain him, but McCann wildly swung his fists and repeatedly attacked them even after they struck him with a baton. “He continued to attack with super human strength and made no attempt to escape,” according to a police report. Two responding officers had to strike McCann three times with a Taser and hit him a few more times with the baton before he was finally subdued. McCann was arrested and relieved of his duties at the Orange County School District.

Drunk doesn’t do this. Drunk makes you slur your words, forget how to walk, make promises you cannot possibly keep, take home people you wouldn’t normally even acknowledge on the street, and misplace your morals. Drunk doesn’t make you Luke Skywalker. I’m no expert in psychiatry or mental illness, but I think it’s pretty safe to provide this astute observation: he’s crazier than Tom Cruise at a Courtney Love pool party. Sane people don’t fight the po-po after they’ve been hit by a baton. Sane people don’t require THREE zaps from a taser to be subdued. Why Luke Skywalker, though? Things like this make me want to take a 3 hour cruise into the mind of a nutcase. Which misfiring synapses make you think you’re the wimpiest Jedi of all? I think homeboy needs to expand his DVD collection. If you’re gonna hallucinate yourself into a movie character, pick one with more balls than Luke “My Daddy’s Darth Vader” Skywalker. Pick Shaft. Pick the guy from “The Transporter”. Pick Christian Bale from “Batman Begins”. Pick Vincent D’Onofrio. (er, scratch that. He already seems like a nutbag.) And for God’s sake, button your damn shirt. You look like a Fabio School of Modeling drop-out.
—————
CANTON, N.Y. – If you’re going to break into a funeral home, it’s not a smart idea to take a nap in a coffin. Joel Fish was busted and charged with burglary when he was found passed out in a coffin at the O’Leary Funeral Home in Canton. Debra White, the wife of the home’s funeral director, Joe White, saw a broken window and the door to the casket display room left open. When she went to investigate, she noticed a boot and pants on the floor and a pair of knees sticking out of a coffin. Fish was arraigned and released to return to court at a later date. Police said he was intoxicated during the break-in.

Once again, alcohol plays a role in dumb decision-making. First of all, who breaks into a funeral home? At night? “Funeral home at night” is on my long list of “Places I Never Want to Be”, and that list includes:

  • Prison
  • Mom’s house for more than 5 days
  • Compton
  • The set of HBO’s “Oz”
  • Borneo
  • Anywhere there are snakes
  • The Sahara Desert
  • Starbucks
  • Downtown Dallas at night
  • Razorblade factory during an earthquake
  • CP’s house when all hell breaks loose
  • A dirty cruise ship filled with rubella and dirty sheets
  • Outside, in Texas, in July, at 4pm on any day
  • Outside, in Texas, in August, at 4pm on any day
  • Outside, in Arizona, on any day of the year, at any time
  • A triple-wide trailer

And this list could go on and on. Did they guy steal anything? No. He broke in, took off his pants and boots, and took a snooze in a casket. In his defense, they DO look comfortable as hell. Satin lining, pillows, it’s all dark and enclosed….see, I love dark, enclosed places. I’m the ultimate anti-claustrophobic. This is actually somewhat appealing to me, although I’m not running out to buy a coffin. They’re expensive! The only time people shop for one is when one is needed right away, and you’re not really in a good emotional state to comparison shop, you know? It’s not like you jump on eBay and start looking at the coffin Buy It Nows. Still, the one time I had to make that purchase, I went from grief to “WTF” in about 2 seconds. I’ve had a couple of cars that COMBINED didn’t cost as much as that casket. I’m in the wrong business.
——————–
This next one is a general diatribe about the controversy surrounding “The Da Vinci Code”. For the life of me, I cannot figure out why organized religion is so afraid of this movie and book. First of all, it’s fiction, folks. Fiction. Sure, he draws from principles and ideas that are founded in some truth, but it’s not marketed as a textbook on Christianity, nor as a 100% factual account of the history of Jesus. It’s a story. Why is this story so threatening to religion? Because it makes people think, that’s why. It makes people say “Hey, how come there’s no mention of Jesus from age 12 to age 33 in the Bible?” It makes people say “Hey, why DID those other books (the Apocryphal texts) get removed?” Religion has been a used by powerful people throughout history as a means to control the masses.

Now, I am NOT anti-religion in any way. Religion itself is a wonderful institution. I’m merely talking about how it has been utilized over the centuries. Things are added, removed, and changed all the time in sacred religious texts in order to cast things in a different light, to increase belief by making a story into a legend, and to instill fear by presenting a skewed viewpoint that doesn’t always take into account other views. All religions do this, because our texts, though inspired by God (or Allah or Buddha or whomever you believe in) are ultimately written by MEN. Not even women – men. Men who may or may not have correctly interpreted God’s word. Men who have something to gain or lose based on what they’ve written. Men who are human. It’s dangerous to simply accept what your faith gives you, without any questioning whatsoever. Questioning leads to knowledge, and knowledge leads to understanding.

Let’s assume for a moment that The Da Vinci Code is 100% correct. So what? In the end, how does it affect your ability to believe? Jesus being a complete human being would actually make me MORE apt to follow His word, because I’d know for sure that he knows where the common man is coming from. I don’t think the real issue is that he may have been married and had family…I think the real issue is that it will become evident that the Church has kept things from its flock, and its flock will wonder what else has been kept from them.
If you liked “The Da Vinci Code”, read “The Third Secret” by Steve Berry. It’ll make you think.

Peace.

Advertisements