Game 4: Suns 106, Mavs 86

Time to eat some crow.

The series is tied 2-2 after the Mavericks apparently forgot that there were games still left to play. They sent in Saint Jude’s School of the Blind and Uncoordinated instead, so that they could go soak up the exciting Phoenix nightlife. St. Jude’s did ok – they even had a guy who looked like Dirk Nowitzki, even though it was obvious to the most casual observer that THAT guy was no Dirk. Dude couldn’t hit the sky from an airplane, you know? Dirk was off somewhere, playing craps or darts or having a fine German beer. He fooled us all. They all did. Nice work, Mavs. Say, how did you get St. Jude’s to score 86 points on the nearly fully-loaded Suns squad? That’s impressive as hell. Mad props. Of course, that little birdie (whatshername, uh, Lennie, Larry, Lowry…something) is already chirping over in her cage. If you pull a cover down over the cage, she’ll be quiet. It works for parakeets.

On with the damn diatribe.

SHANGHAI, China – A 2-month-old boy has doctors scratching their heads because he was born with an unusually well-formed third arm. In most cases of children born with additional limbs, it is clear which limb is more developed. But in the case of the little boy known as “Jie-jie,” neither of his two left arms is fully functional and tests haven’t been able to show which was more developed. “His case is quite peculiar. We have no record of any child with such a complete third arm,” said Dr. Chen Bochang, head of the orthopedics department at Shanghai Children’s Medical Center. Jie-jie was also born with just one kidney and may have problems that could lead to curvature of the spine. Doctors in Shanghai have been considering surgery options for the child.

Noooooooooooo! No surgery! Leave that poor child alone. 3 arms? This is this kid’s ticket to fame! Think of how handy he’d be around the house. He could climb a ladder AND carry the paint bucket at the same time. Can a 2 armed kid do that? Sheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeit. He could join the circus and become the World’s Best Juggler, ’cause with 3 arms, you ain’t dropping shit. He could juggle chainsaws and make long-distance calls, and get paid like Oprah. And sex? Forget it. Some lucky woman (or guy – who knows how he’ll roll) will experience the previously unknown joy of getting a full-fledged hug and a reacharound – from the same person. This child has a bright future ahead of him. If all else fails, he could join the Army. Get it? “Arm”y?
Yeah, I thought it sucked too.

KINGSTON, Ont. – It’s bad enough to steal a sex toy from an adult video store. But it’s even worse to get caught after using said toy and trying to dump it. That’s what happened to a 19-year-old man who stole an $80 hand-held vagina from an adult store and went around the corner to give it a test drive. Kingston police Const. Neil Finn said they found the teen after he used the toy and was arrested about 10 minutes after it had been taken from the store. The teen apparently dumped the toy after it was used, and it was not recovered by police. Video store employee Heather Baker said this was the second recent theft at the business, but that thefts of this nature are few and far between.

Calling this man a “teen” is an insult to teens. He’s 19 years old – old enough to vote, to fight in wars, and to oh, I don’t know, FIND A REAL WOMAN TO HOOK UP WITH! I’m not saying I was Studly Screwright when I was 19, but I for damn sure wasn’t rolling up into sex shops and stealing fake vaginas. And sadly enough, stealing the vagina isn’t the worst part of the story – the worst part is that Einstein couldn’t wait to get home to his bedroom with posters of Blink-182 and Tony Hawk on the walls and sticky Maxim magazines under the bed to try out his ill-gotten gains…oh no, not him. Time waits for no man, and it certainly doesn’t stick around for Rufus Doofus here. Someone please tell me the logic behind going around the corner to try out a fake vagina that you just stole. Please. I want to know what thought processes create a positive outcome in your mind when you contemplate whipping out your willy in a public place in order to put it inside a piece of latex and plastic. Never mind the cops finding you – what if ANYONE found you? Damn dude, steal a whole sex doll next time, and take it HOME first! It only took the cops 10 minutes to find him, and he had already finished up and tossed the ‘gina. Guess that says a lot about his stamina, eh?

MONROE COUNTY, PA – A chase involving a van and a police cruiser came to an abrupt end after the trooper’s car got stuck in some wet concrete. The officer was trying to stop a van that was illegally traveling on a closed lane where construction crews were working when his police cruiser ended up in concrete that had recently been poured along an interstate. He was later able to back the car out of the concrete, but the driver of the van didn’t fare so well. After his van crashed further up the highway, the driver was hit by a tractor-trailer when he tried to make a getaway on foot.

Damn, what was this, a live-action Wyle E. Coyote movie? Did the van driver say “Beep beep!” as he sped through the concrete? Was the cop car made by Acme? This is some straight-up Hollywood bullshit, right here. Karma’s a real bitch sometimes, ain’t it? Running from the cops is dumb enough. I’ve done it once, but I got away. See, I was 15, I had my day license, and I had gone over to a buddy’s house right at dusk to hang out. He had this other friend over, and that friend wanted to go to Maryland Fried Chicken, (which is some damn good chicken, people.) and since I had the car (a ’78 Pontiac Bonneville, aka The Black Tank), we rolled out. As we drove, the friend pulled out a bottle of rum and 2 porn movies to show us. Good times, right? Hell yeah – until I tried to push it through a yellow light that turned red as I went under it doing 60 in a 45. And wouldn’t you know it, there was a cop sitting on the side street. Busted. He had his siren on before I had even cleared the intersection. With it being dark, and me with a day license, an open bottle of liquor, and two pornos in the car, there was NO WAY I was gonna stop. Did I mention that I was 15? Yeah. Good judgment? Lacking. I hit the gas, sliding to the right and immediately hitting a side street a block up. It was dark, it was my stomping grounds, and I was in a black car. Lights? Killed. Coasting to stops at intersections. Weaving left, right, left , left again through the neighborhoods. Finally, got about a block away from Friend 1’s house, and I kicked them out. Literally. I didn’t even stop the car fully – I just slowed down enough so they could roll when they jumped out. As I zig-zagged my way home, I wondered – could the cop still be on my tail? I eased into my driveway, parked, and casually strolled to the top of my street (“casually” meaning that my knees were knocking like a landlord at a trailer park), just to look around. And as I got there, ZOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM – that cop, that SAME COP, went flying past at top-speed, no doubt looking for my black ass. Not this time, Smokey. Not this time.

Of course, none of this has anything to do with the story, but my Mavs lost, so you all can suck it.


All stories come courtesy of Bizarre News. I couldn’t make this shit up if I tried. And I have.