Ah, bliss.

I’m on day 3 at the new job, and let me tell you – I’m 95% in love with the place. It’s a lot like Cisco was, and I didn’t really realize how much I missed what I had there until I got it back again. This place is awesome. And the people are so nice! I’ve been asked to lunch more in 2 days than I did in 4 and a half months at my last job. It’s incredible!

Except for one thing.

They SEVERELY restrict the ol’ internet.

External mail? Forget it. Most non-business related websites? Oh, hells no. But that’s not the worst. The worst is…no instant messaging. At all. I’m going through serious withdrawals here, y’all. That’s how I keep in touch with my people, you know? And I’m now cut off, utterly and completely, with no type of adjustment period whatsoever. So if you’re one of the oh-so-lucky few who talked to me on a regular basis, and you wondered why I’m not online, it’s because this place is paying me a bucket of money to not be online, and as hard as that is for me, I’m willing to make that sacrifice. But I can still get on the blogs, so don’t be talking shit. I’ll find you, and put a size 13 Land’s End brown slide-on moccasin all up your in your ass. Don’t doubt.

On with the ‘tribe!

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NEW YORK – When a woman’s 16-year-old son showed up at home in a new $35,000 Mercedes Benz, she had every reason to be suspicious. It turns out he got the car from the 39-year-old woman with whom he was having sex. Lisa Frodella was charged Wednesday with two counts each of third-degree rape and third-degree criminal sexual act after the youth told police they had been having an affair since January. It all fell apart after the youth, now 17, came home with the new car. He claimed that he and Frodella had met in at least two motels, her car and her home. He claimed once, Frodella called his high school pretending to be his mother to take him out of class, Nassau Detective Lt. Kevin Smith said.

Someone please tell me how it is that teenage boys are getting better trim than most adult men. This time it wasn’t a teacher, but really, that just deepens the mystery, if you consider it. With the teacher/student dynamic, at least you know how they met, and can maybe see the factors that pull the two together (like the fact that the teacher really wants to do an excellent job of throwing away her career, and getting the fast-track to a minimum security women’s prison for 5 years). How does a 16 year old land a 39 year old with a Mercedes? I know guys who can’t land 49 year olds driving Geo Storms. Apparently, the kid wathed “American Pie” one too many times, thought he really was Finch, and that this woman was Stifler’s mom. Only thing is, Finch was smart enough to NOT drive ol’ girl’s car to his house. Come on. Is he the dumbest kid ever? He copped to EVERYTHING! Oh, I’m sorry, I forgot – he’s the victim here. Right. Lemme write that down. He’s…the…victim. Yeah. That oughta help me remember that.

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TOKYO – A would-be Japanese bank robber has given an example what NOT to do when robbing a bank. When he first walked into a branch of the Saitama Resona Bank, he asked a bank teller how he should carry out the crime. “Any idea how you rob a bank?” were his exact words. Then, when a staff member told him to leave, he meekly obeyed the request. And to top it off, while he was leaving the bank he accidentally stabbed himself in the leg with a knife he was carrying. The 58-year-old man was arrested for illegal possession of a weapon. “He didn’t brandish the knife at anyone … but he injured himself in the leg,” a police spokesman said.

Awww, this is almost quaint! It’s hard to get mad…he was so clueless! How sweet! Let’s look at all the things this poor, poor man did wrong:

  • He tried to rob a bank (obvious, but it needed to be said)
  • Instead of researching this crime ahead of time, he instead opted to simply ask the teller. Best source of info? Possibly. But asking Misty-san for assistance doesn’t really up your street cred.
  • His weapon of choice was a knife. He’s 58, and was gonna use a knife to rob a bank? I realize that guns aren’t easy to come by in Japan…harsh restrictions and all…but he really should’ve sought more advice. If he whipped out a knife on ME, as a teller, I’d take the drastic measure of…stepping back two paces. His old ass ain’t coming over that counter without a step stool and a boost from a security guard, so I’d be less than worried.
  • He left, quietly, obediently, and without any money. Uh, buddy, you went all ADD on me here. You’re supposed to actually escape with money in hand. It’s kinda the point of it all.
  • He stabbed himself in the leg. Amatuer.

The authorities need to ask why this man thought he was Jessie James in the first place. Perhaps a nice job as a greeter at Wal-Martzuki would be a better career choice for him, rather than being a poor, uneducated, and painfully untrained bank robber. He’s lucky he only got charged with illegal possession. Here, he’d be in the cell next to the extras from “Oz”.

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KIEV, Ukraine – A man was killed by a lion after he climed into its enclosure at the Kiev zoo. The 45-year-old man, who was not identified, apparently told witnesses that he believed God would keep the lions from harming him. “The man shouted ‘God will save me, if he exists’, lowered himself by a rope into the enclosure, took his shoes off and went up to the lions,” a zoo official said. Police spokesman Volodymyr Polishchuck said that the man acted aggressively, prompting one of the lions to seize him by the throat. He died at the scene. The incident occurred Sunday evening when the zoo was packed with visitors.

Thank you, lion. Thank you for proving that God doesn't work that way. Thank you for showing the real purpose of "free will". I put this man in the same category as the ultra-fundamentalist christian folks who perform serpent handling, claiming the power of God prevents them from being fatally bitten by the rattlers. Guys, let me make it very, very clear:

God laughs at you when you do that.

Think of it this way - of all the bad stuff that happens to people in the world, why would he spend is valuable time saving YOUR country ass, when he's not saving, say, little Billy from getting hit by a car? I'm not bashing God - I'm just sayin'. God winds us up and lets us go. Free will. It wasn't bad enough that the man jumped into the pen, but he also provoked the lions, probably calling them all punk-ass bitches and talking bad about their mommas. I bet God put on some Jiffy Pop when He saw that nonsense going down. I would've. If you choose to jump into a lion enclosure, then you better know that that lion doesn't believe in God. But he DOES believe in YOU. As dinner.

Peace.

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