*WHEW*

I’ll tell ya, it ain’t easy running TWO kingdoms. Not that YOU’D know. But trust – it’s taxing as hell. I mean, those people over in B&TB Land are…uncivilized. They watch “American Idol” on TiVo, they eat with their hands, they smile with broccoli in their teeth –

OK, you know I’m lyin’ now. Like B&TB readers eat vegetables.

But, ever so slowly, they’re coming around to my way of thinking. How can they resist? I’m charismatic and shit. I can sell snow to an Eskimo, water to a fish, sand to an Iraqi. For cheap. I’m chock full o’ charisma.

Charisma. Charisma Carpenter. Mmmmm. I should invite her to a royal feast. Someone jot that down for me.

Oh, and the Mavs lost last night, 98-96 to the Heat. Whatev. Just delaying the inevitable. I don’t wanna hear SHIT from you Suddenly Heat fans out there, all cheering, unable to name 4 Heat players at knifepoint. Y’all just sit there and hush, and don’t give me any shit. When the victory parade rolls through Dallas, a nigga WILL be calling in sick that day. And you KNOW this, MAN!

On with the ‘tribe.
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ST. LOUIS – A St. Louis, Mo., woman has been charged with battering a Chihuahua breeder on the head with the body of her dead puppy. The unidentified 33-year-old woman purchased a puppy several days ago and took it to a veterinarian, who told her the animal was only 4 weeks old and should be returned to its mother, the St. Louis Post Dispatch reported. But the dog died before she could get to the breeder and she reportedly flew into a rage, police said. At 5:45 Wednesday morning, police said she forced her way into the breeder’s house and demanded a new puppy. A pushing match ensued and the woman began striking the breeder on the head repeatedly, the report said. Police said they are applying for felony burglary charges against the dog owner for breaking into the home and misdemeanor assault charges.

How embarassing – getting beat with a dead chiahauhua is pretty much the bottom rung of the success ladder. I can understand being upset about the puppy, but to go break into the breeder’s home at damn-near 6am, and then BEAT her with the dead puppy is a bit of an overreaction. Just a bit. But to me, it shows that the woman was no animal lover – she was just mad that she got a bad puppy. Honestly, who would think to beat someone about the head and face with a dead puppy? If you loved the puppy, you wouldn’t disrespect him like that. Sure, maybe you’d pretend to be Ren from Ren and Stimpy for a while, saying “You EEDIOT!” or you might say “Yo quiero Taco Bell” a half-dozen times while nodding the dog’s head up and down, but you certainly wouldn’t disrespect the puppy, right? And at 5:45am, if someone forces their way into my house asking for a new puppy, more than “a pushing match” would occur, and I certainly wouldn’t be on the receiving end of a dead puppy beatdown like that. What’s funny is that breaking into the house is a felony, but beating the breeder up with a dead animal is a misdemeanor. Ah, justice.

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NEW YORK – Most teachers ask for a leave of absence for a pregnancy or perhaps to care for a sick family member. But one city teacher in Brooklyn requested time off so that he could serve his prison sentence. Thomas Everett was convicted of stealing from elderly women and submitted his request for an unpaid leave lasting 60 to 90 days. In the request, he wrote that he had “problems with the State of New Jersey Judicial System” and “must fulfill an obligation to the State.” School officials at Sheepshead Bay High School, where Everett taught social studies, said that he will not be welcome back in the classroom. “We get some strange ones, but this one is a little different,” said Richard Condon, the lead schools investigator. Needless to say, Everett’s leave request was denied.

I like this guy. He’s got moxy. This is some straight-up black people shit here, and though I haven’t seen a pic of Mr. Everett, I’ll bet you 2 clams he’s a brotha. Granted, stealing from old women is utterly reprehensible, and I hope he tosses salads for the duration of his stay in Hotel Bendover, but you gotta love his sense of entitlement, as though a felony conviction (I assume) wouldn’t prohibit him from being an effective social studies teacher. And in a way, I sorta agree with him. After all, wouldn’t he be WAY more qualified to talk about government and the judicial system after spending some time in the joint? He’d come back all hard, with Bic pen prison tats, and saying “jonx” all the time like we do now. He could be the new face of Scared Straight! You think kids would talk in HIS class? Please.

Kid: “blahblahblahblah…”
Teacher: “Hey kid, I knew a guy in the can who never shut up…”
Kid: “Yeah, and?”
Teacher: “This guy named Panther ripped out the dude’s tongue and slapped him around with it for 45 minutes. Funny, huh?”
Kid: [dead silence]
Teacher: “Yeah. That’s what I thought. Now go to page 54 before you get shanked.”
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BALTIMORE – Who knew Baltimore was the city of hospitality? Well, one couple found this out when they were arrested and jailed for asking for directions! You read that right. Apparently, Joshua Kelly and Lara Brook got lost after watching the Orioles play and stopped to ask an officer for directions. The kindly policeman arrested the lost couple for trespassing on a public street and threw them in jail. The couple told WBA-TV, Baltimore, the first officer they sought directions from refused to help, saying, “You found your own way in here, you can find your own way out.” They flagged down another cruiser but the first officer jumped between them and said her partner was not going to “step in front of me and tell you directions if I’m not,” Kelly said. They were ordered out of their car, cuffed and hauled downtown on a charge of trespassing on a public street.

If you’ve never been to Browntown, aka B-More, aka “The Place of No Smiling Faces”, then this bit of information may come as a shock to you. As individuals, I’m sure the fine people of Baltimore are wonderful, while they go down to the shore and eat crabs all day. But as a city – yuck. I spent many a day there, dealing with the worst-mannered folks this side of NYC. As rude as they can be sometimes, though, they’re honest to a fault. I was up there once for a college away game (band geek!), and a group of us were walking along the Inner Harbor. This dirty, funky, rat-tacular crack-infested man was dancing on the pavement, listening to some incredible music – in his head. However, though we couldn’t hear it, he could, and he translated it for us from whatever outer space Krakhedian language into passable English. We determined after much debate that he was singing Bell Biv DeVoe’s “Poison”. It came out somewhat like this:

“Poison! Poison poison! Poison! P-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p…Yeah! Poison, baby! Uh-huh! Never trust a big butt and a smile – or a small ass and a grin! HAHAHAHAHAH!”

We laughed, hard, and kept our stroll intact. Seeing us, he lurches up, opens his jacket up, 1977-style, like Lenny from “Good Times”, displaying an array of “gold” chains. “Y’all wanna buy a necklace? Only $20, and solid gold! HAHAHAHAHA!” We politely declined, saying something along the lines of “Get the hell away from us, bum.” Nonplussed, he switched tactics on us:

“Listen. I ain’t gone lie to y’all. I need some crack. Bad. It’s been 2 days. I gotta get high, man! So if you gimme just…um, how much you got on you?” I said I had $20. He said “OK, for just $20, I’ll give you this fat rope chain (it was 1991. Shut up.), and I can go get me some rocks!”

I looked him in the eye and said “Man, thank you for being up front about it. Here’s a $20, man. Knock yourself out. “

Pleased, he stumbled off, singing Poison, and already counting the hits he’d get. That necklace turned green as a muhfucka two days later at band practice. My neck continued to be green for 2 more days. Good times.

Peace.

All stories come courtesy of Bizarre News. I don’t make this shit up.

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