The waterpark is a popular summertime destination. Who doesn’t like it there? When it’s 100 degrees outside, and you see dogs breaking into barbershops just to steal the clippers so they can shave themselves, there’s no better place to chill than a place that has water, rides, and half-naked people waking around. Hell, they’ll even sell you ice cream there – and not that ordinary shit you get in the grocery store, either. We’re talking high-quality frozen goods. We’re talking about the dots, people. Have you HAD ice cream dots yet? If not, retire from popular culture right now, turn your TV to C-SPAN, and crush the remote control. You can turn the channel once you understand why Buffy and Angel broke up, and why he moved to L.A.

(Speaking of “Angel”, do any of you watch that show “Bones” on Fox? David Boreanaz is the star, and it’s pretty good.

Tangent!)

I asked you a question, dammit. Who doesn’t like it at the waterpark?

Me.

Ooooh, yes. I’ll say it right here, in front of everybody:

Fuck the waterpark.

It’s warmer than Camryn Manheim’s inner thighs, the pavement is made of molten lava covered by fire ants and hot grits, and the water….dear God, the water. Things float by you in the water that you have to question how it wound up at the waterpark in the first place. A dog collar? Come on, man! That’s just not right. Well, the waterpark is just where we ended up yesterday, much to my chagrin. But I’m a trooper, and the Minions (3YO and 6YO) really wanted to be there, so there we went. First of all, what is the rule that says that the waterpark’s parking lot can only accomodate 7 cars, and the rest of you can either (a) valet park in the other 43 spaces, or (b) walk like Moses in the desert for 40 years after you park your car in the next school district. Since I’m not one for paying someone to do something that I can do with the same amount of effort and expertise and withing the same amount of time, we opted for the Exercise Parking Plan. I got a tan just from walking from the car to the front gate. It was that far and that hot. We passed a camel, staggering from the heat, as he tried to make it to the gate. It was THAT FAR.

Once we got inside, the real fun began.

**Commence showing Secret Squirrel pictures of the waterpark**

 

Me, the anti-jonx. The hat is ridiculous, I know. Look, it was hot out there, ok? And I had just shaved my head the night before, and I wasn’t ABOUT to get my scalp sunburned. That shit hurts. Oh, that expression on my face? It’s called the “Word mouth”, because that’s what you do after you say “Word.” to someone. Jot that down.

 

 

Looks idyllic, doesn’t it? It would be, if it didn’t have…

 

 

No, not my son – the damn JUNGLE back there! Look at that shit! It looks like Vietnam’s cousin back there. You know there’s a bear in there, and I bet you dollars to doughnuts that the snakes swim in the water at night.

Believe me, I’m not one to piss all over someone else’s religion, but seriously – if you can’t come out of the burka, why are you at the waterpark? It was 600 degrees out there, and you looked a little out of place next to the chick in the two-piece with tattooes of butterflies on her lower back. Just sayin’.

Not the woman in the foreground – she’s fine. Well, I mean “OK”, not attractive. Look at the woman in the background. And feel free to click the picture to see what I wrote. She looked like she got dressed by two blind circus acrobats.

No.

 

 

Yes.

 

 

 

This was just sad, y’all. I damn-near dropped the camera trying to get a shot of her, though. See those stairs to the right? It took her nearly 3 minutes to go up. There were 7 of them. Later on, she tried to sit on one of the many plastic lawn chairs scattered around, but she fell. And she couldn’t get back up. She sat there, on the hot concrete, for a long, long time, just…chillin’. It was really sad, and I did not laugh at her plight.

But I laughed on the inside, because I’m evil.

See that guy in the white shirt? Water was falling on him, where he was standing. When he turned sideways, 3 little kids tried to slide down his stomach.

Freezing water, hot sun, high prices…it was good to leave. And I swear to you, I will NOT go back to that place…until next weekend.

We have season passes.

Peace.

Advertisements