I realize that Texas isn’t as bad as, say, Arizona or New Mexico or the center of the sun, but come ON. 105? That’s just not even right. And the kicker is that I took that from the balmy inside of my NON-AIR CONDITIONED BLACK JEEP CHEROKEE, a.k.a. “The Rolling Furnace”. It feels like a damn blow dryer when I roll down the windows. I don’t even USE a blow dryer! The Furnace isn’t completely without A/C. It has what I call “intermittent A/C”, or “Deal or No Deal A/C”. Some days, if I turn it on, glorious fresh cold air come flowing out, bathing my body in pleasure. But on other days, all I get is the blow dryer. And get this: some days, the bitch will start off giving me cold air, only to deny me about 10 or 15 minutes into my drive, or whenever I idle at a light too long, of if I turn the truck off to get gas or something. That, people, is the worst. Don’t be teasing me with A/C if you’re just gonna snatch it back. What’s it trying to do, give me environmental blue balls? Today, it was all blow dryer. If you look carefully, you can see wisps of smoke from where I was spontaneously combusting as I drove down Central Expressway.

I don’t need this.

Yesterday I spilled about 8 ounces of water on the driveway of the house we’re moving to (yes, we’re moving in two weeks, in the middle of Satan – I mean, “summer”) and it had completely evaporated in about 45 seconds. Hopefully half our possessions will melt in transit, meaning there’ll be that much less to unload. A man can dream, right? It’s a good thing the roads here are concrete instead of asphalt, like they are back east. A summer like this would melt the asphalt, and you’d literally stick to the road, either on foot or in a vehicle. Thank you, concrete, you hot bitch.


And I don’t wanna hear how “It’s [fill in your stupid temperature] in [fill in your lame town]”. I don’t care. I’m not there, and that’s your problem. All I know is, I’m here, and it feels like a volcano’s ball sack here, and I’m so ready for autumn, I’d go see “Snakes On A Plane” in a darkened movie theater if that would speed up the process.

Wait. Scratch that.
EDIT: I just went to lunch to run some errands, and this is what I saw when I started the Rolling Furnace:

Then, 10 minutes into my journey through the Gobi freakin’ Desert, the friendly little thermometer showed me THIS, I shit you not:

I lit a match and fanned it under my chin, because THAT wasn’t as hot as that cauldron I was driving. I swear, I saw a nun in a tank top! I saw an armadillo with a sunroof! I saw a fire engine leave the station with sirens blaring, stop in the middle of the street 1 block away, and turn back around! It’s THAT hot here today.