I know y’all are tired of hearing about the damn weather here, but my God – it jumped to 113 in the Rolling Furnace yesterday. It was so hot, my sweat sent a doctor’s note to my forehead. But here I am today, bringing you the tasty goodness you so very enjoy. You BETTER enjoy it. I work and slave over a hot keyboard, reading story after story, trying to find just the right ones to give to you…you better be liking it. Do you know how many weird or strange stories DON’T get diatribed? Let’s just say they could start a support group. So lap it up.

Oh yeah – you Dallas-area people? Be at my band’s gig Saturday night. I’m serious. Be there. We could really use the support. It’s at Tomcats near the corner of Malcolm X and Commerce, in Deep Ellum. www.ntlband.com

Enjoy!!

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GENEVA – A pair of 72-DDs is being blamed for the death of a 32-year-old groom-to-be who was celebrating his bachelor party at a popular strip club. The well-endowed Kandy Kane and began smothering his face with her humongous hooters. Witnesses said Greene began waving his hands around, but everyone thought he was just enjoying the attention. Who could have known that he was signaling for help? said a confused friend. Onlookers eventually realized that Greene was no longer moving, and pulled him from between Miss Kane’s breasts. Now Greene’s family is suing Miss Kane and the strip club for wrongful death. Those breasts were lethal weapons, Greene’s father told reporters.

Smothered by boobs. Sent to rest by voluminous breast. This, folks, is a glorious death, one that’ll go down in the annals of time, one that his friends will always remember. They’ll be 80 years old, poking each other with their canes and saying “Remember Greene? You know, GREENE! The one who overdosed on titties! Man, what a night.” His family must be mortified, and it’s awful that it happened at his bachelor party. Imagine being his fiancee. Who’s hugging you, giving you condolences, without snickering over your shoulder? And how fast do you think she’d turn into a shrieking harpy when her next wants to go to the strip club? Here are the two people you should feel the absolute worst for: the fiancee’s next guy, and Kandy Kane. The next guy is gonna be on total lockdown, and God help him if he’s a breast guy, ’cause if he even THINKS the words “Man, she’s got a nice rack”, the fiancee will beat him about the head and face with a fire extinguisher. As for Kane, who wants to be known as The Woman Whose Boobs Killed A Guy? She should rename herself Letha Weapons. I’ve seen some tig ol’ bitties in my day, and I’ve enjoyed burrowing my head into them like I’m looking for survivors in a tragic caving accident. But damn – what kind of punk can’t extricate his head from a set of breasts? It boggles the mind.

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SYDNEY – A Sydney judge has fined a man nearly $19,000 for attempting to smuggle native bird eggs out of the country in his underwear. Wayne Floyd said he intended “to surprise his girlfriend” with the eggs as a gift, but Judge Martin Sides ruled that Floyd had intended to sell the eggs overseas, The Australian reported Monday. The judge did not impose a jail term on Floyd, although exporting a regulated native specimen without a permit or exemption carries a maximum sentence of 10 years. Floyd was caught with the eggs hidden in a stocking inside his underwear when he attempted to board a flight to Bangkok last November. He was strip searched by security when a pat-down revealed a suspicious bulge in his groin.

Nice. They found a suspicious bulge in his groin while was on his way to Bangkok. Does anyone else see the irony in this? If Wayne Floyd was a brotha, they woulda just smiled at him, given him the Nod of Knowing, and let him go on his way. What’s the Nod of Knowing, you ask? It’s that slow nod people give to other people when they understand something fundamental about that person, without that person ever having to say a word. They woulda hit that groin, looked up, and gave DeWayne Floyd a smile and a Nod of Knowing, saying silently, “Ah, Mr. Floyd. We heard the rumors, heard the stereotypes, read the myths. Myth confirmed. Have a nice day.” And DeWayne Floyd would’ve pimp-strolled onto the plane to Bangkok, pants chock full of bird eggs. Knowing him, he probably would’ve smacked the flight attendent on the ass as he slid by her on his way to his seat. Damn pimp. Aw, who am I kidding? DeWayne would’ve been randomly searched in the damn parking lot, guns drawn, SWAT team surrounding him, feet on his neck, taser in his chest. Give up the eggs, DeWayne! It’s not worth it!

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MILWAUKEE – An insurance company’s promotional goodwill giveaway of gas in Milwaukee resulted in car accidents, brawls, blood-spattered policemen and four arrests. Hundreds of cars were lined up along streets leading to Andy’s gas station before sunrise Wednesday to get their free 10 gallons of gas, starting at 6 a.m., the Milwaukee Journal-Sentinel reported. The Allstate insurance company sponsored the event as a reward for Milwaukee drivers having the safest driving records of mid-size U.S. cities, based on claims data. In all, 7,000 gallons were given away, but not without problems, police said. The 2-mile line of parked cars trapped some commuters in their driveways, caused numerous fender-benders, and two collisions, Milwaukee Police Department spokeswoman Anne Schwartz said. Four people were arrested for fighting and three officers were checked at a hospital after they were splattered by someone’s bloody nose, Schwartz said.

I’m sorry, I was wrong before – THIS is irony! See, this right here is why you can’t give people shit. They don’t appreciate! I rarely give insurance companies props – you give them money, just in case some shit happens, and when some shit DOES happen, they wanna act like your breath stinks or something – but damn, they were actually doing something pretty nice – rewarding their best drivers with a gift. And how do their BEST DRIVERS react? They act a damn fool. I know gas is high, and it’s hot, and just like in “Do The Right Thing”, tempers can flare, but c’mon, folks – this wasn’t some random radio call-out to the first 500 people. They were CHOSEN! Meaning, they were all pretty much guaranteed to get some free-ass gas. All they had to do was act like civil human beings in an evolved society, and instead they acted like spider monkeys trippin’ on mushrooms while watching “The Doors” on DVD in a house they don’t live in. It’s ridiculous. I bet these are the same people who go to Little League games and scream profanities at the umpires, referees, coaches, and sometimes even the players. They should be taken around back and beaten with common sense until it sinks in, or until I get tired, whichever comes second.

Peace.

All stories come courtesy of Bizarre News or some other source, which I didn’t bother to cite, ’cause I forgot. My bad.

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