Greetings, fellow humans! I’m out of my funk now. They don’t usually come often or last long, but when they hit, I like to wallow in ’em for a while. But now I’m ready to get feisty again, and as such, I’ve been engaged in a pretty comical “debate” on another blog.

Dave from Why Don’t We Get Drunk And Blog launched a side blog called Kill Barbaro, where he lashes out against the intense media coverage of Barbaro, the horse that broke its leg during a race. Now, it’s a tragic situation, and it’s wonderful that people are working so hard to save the horse and give him a long and fruitful life, but the media coverage thereof was getting to be a bit much for a while there. For the sake of stirring up trouble, I fanned the flames on the blog by writing a poem about (against) Barbaro. I’m gonna link the site, but listen closely, folks – I don’t want to kill Barbaro, OK? I really don’t. I thought it would be interesting to see what kind of response people would provide to my provocative comments. I have nothing against Barbaro or horses in general. I love animals, and don’t wish any harm upon them, except for my dogs (who jump 6 foot fences in a single leap, and eat the garbage and cat litter). And I say that ’cause I know some of you will read it and say “You’re an asshole, Damian,” which may or may not be true, but in this case, it’s misplaced sentiment. The real entertainment is in the response from Barbaro supporters, some of whom go so far as to threaten and insult me (and others). I find it all to be quite humorous. Check out the comment sections, and don’t hate me – remember, I was yanking chains, that’s all.

Let’s ‘tribe it up, people.

Word.
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FRAMINGHAM, Mass. – A Brazilian man was charged with practicing medicine without a license after a woman died during liposuction performed in a private home in Massachusetts. Luis Carlos Ribeiro and his wife also face drug charges, the Boston Herald reported. The victim, Fabiola de Paula, died at MetroWest Medical Center in Framingham after Ribeiro brought her to the hospital unconscious. Middlesex County Prosecutor Lee Hettinger told the newspaper that Ribeiro could face more charges after an autopsy. Ribeiro was being held on $250,000 bail while a judge set $50,000 bail on his wife. Another patient was hospitalized when she developed a serious infection following liposuction, the newspaper said. The Herald said Ribeiro told police that he is a licensed plastic surgeon in Brazil and that he and his wife had come to the United States on short work visas.

I swear, I thought shit like this only happened on “Nip/Tuck”. Why in the hell would you….I mean…who would….oh, screw this. Here’s a simple test for you corner-cutters to see if your plastic surgeon is on the up and up. Heed me.

Questions To Ask Before Your Liposuction

  • “You don’t have an office in your house, do you?”
  • “Exactly how long have you been in the United States?”
  • “You think maybe I could see your medical license?”
  • “Do you know the Hippocratic Oath, by chance?”
  • “Do you speak English?” (Not applicable if you don’t, either)
  • “Why is the word ‘surgeon’ misspelled on your sign outside?”
  • “In fact, why does your sign say ‘Plastic Surjun and Plumber’?”
  • “Could you tell me some of your recent success stories?”
  • “Or, better yet, show me a photo catalog, with before and afters?”
  • “What’s that garden hose for?”
  • “And that Electrolux?”
  • “And that webcam?”
  • “Why is your wife eating a sandwich in the surgery suite?”
  • “Ok then, why is your surgery suite in your kitchen?”
  • “Do you know what ‘sterile’ means?”
  • “Well, OK, but what about as it pertains to surgery?”
  • “Is it safe for you to be watching ‘Judge Mathis’ while you lipo me?”
  • “Since when are Flintstone Chewables certified as surgical painkillers?”

Safety first, folks. If the lipo costs only $125, you better have real good insurance coverage for the hospital stay afterward.

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NORCO, Calif. – Six California teens face felony charges of maliciously toilet-papering the home of a woman who out-sleuthed police in tracking them down over six months. In February, Katja Base, her husband and children awoke to find their front yard and vehicles covered in streams of toilet paper in Norco, Calif., east of Long Beach. At first amused, they discovered the paper hid smeared dog food and flour, which had damaged the paint on two vehicles. Base told the Riverside Press-Enterprise it took 13 people three hours to clean up the mess, and that’s when she decided to launch her own investigation. She began by canvassing area stores asking them to look through records for unusually large purchases of toilet paper. She had luck at one store, where two days before the vandalism, someone bought 144 rolls of toilet paper, cheese, dog food, and flour. Using the store’s security videos and a high school yearbook, she came up with names and went to police last week. The Riverside County district attorney’s office will now decide whether to formally charge the teens and one adult with felony vandalism, the report said.

Let’s give this woman a round of applause, for real. You know the cops weren’t about to pursue this case, what with all the other crime they have to deal with in Norco, CA. [if you could see my face right now, you’d laugh at my inability to hide the snickering.] TPing a house usually isn’t high on the police priority list of crimes, and I’m sure they circular-filed it as soon as they took the report. It’s a shame, though, that this woman was actually more efficient than the police in this matter. I mean, it’s Norco. Then again, maybe I better not front on ol’ Norco. It’s near LA and Long Beach, so who knows – maybe they have to deal with overflow crime from the big city. Perhaps it’s secretly a gang stronghold, where the criminals lay low and work at Kohl’s and Rooms To Go, virtually invisible in the background. Maybe this woman HAD to go all CSI on the case, because the cops are too busy rooting out evil at the Dairy Queen and at the Hidden Valley Golf Club. Can you see her, bringing her Junior Detective Fingerprint Kit and her chemistry set from 1982 to the place where the kids bought the toilet paper, all dusting for prints and talking to witnesses? I bet, when they nabbed the perps, she tugged on her belt like Barney Fife, sniffed, and asked for a pension plan. That’s what I would’ve done.

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PAINESVILLE, Ohio – A 44-year-old man in Ohio was forced to serve is sentence with a sow after calling a police officer a pig. Steven Thompson had used the word “pig” while shouting obscenities in a January 28 confrontation with a city police officer. Painesville Municipal Judge Michael Cicconetti ordered the sentence instead of jail time following Thompson’s guilty plea to disorderly conduct. A lunchtime crowd jeered and joked with Thompson as he stood on a city sidewalk arm in hoof with the 350-pound pig for two hours. There was a sign reading “This is not a police officer.”

Good thing for him he didn’t call the cop an asshole or a dick, huh?

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Adult entertainment customers can choose from straight hetero sex, gay videos, lesbian liaisons and fetish fantasies. But now comes the most unique form of adult entertainment yet. The musical vagina. 23-year-old “Amber” has had the ability to fart tunes with her labia since she was a young teen, but after years of anonymity she is finally bringing her talent to video. She has trained her lips to play everything from classics like the “Blue Danube” waltz to rock anthems like, “We Will Rock You.” You can look for this collector’s item under the title, “Amber The Queefing Lesbian.”

See, this is why our society is in ruins, right here. It takes a demented person to stroll past all the nice, lovely, regular porn, spot THIS gem on the shelf, and mutter “Yeeeeah” to himself as he takes it up to the counter. I put this right up there with bestiality, scatalogical porn (if you don’t know, don’t ask. Trust), and anything starring John Wayne Bobbitt. Queefing? Come on, man! I mean, it’s kinda funny if it happens by accident, or if you’re on leave in Thailand and have nothing to do but watch the sex shows, but…this is deviant, even to deviant people like me. I don’t blame her for selling the videos. Hell, if I had a talent, I’d be selling it like a muhfucka. (see: band, Damian’s) But the people who buy queefing videos for any reason other than getting high and laughing like hyenas at a screening of “Old School” should be taken outside and smacked around with DVDs of “The Guyver” until all the stupid comes out. That’s “THE Guyver”, not “MacGyver”. Look it up, and cringe.

Peace.

All stories here came from Bizarre News. For real.

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