Gee, thanks Softball Slut. I really, really appreciate getting tagged like this, and swear to Buddha, if I had something better to write about today besides my failed attempt to dye my mohawk blue (yes, I really attempted this. The blue kept running into my face, because let’s face it – black people hair ain’t made for Wal-Mart brand temporary blue hair coloring), I would probably blow this meme tag off and call Slut about 1731 different awful names.

But here I sit. Let’s do this.

1. YOUR ROCK STAR NAME: (first pet and current street name) Brutus Vail

2. YOUR MOVIE STAR NAME: (grandfather/grandmother on your mom’s side, your favorite candy)
Jim Reece (Gotta love Reeces’ Peanut Butter Cups)

3. YOUR “FLY GIRL/GUY” NAME: (first initial of first name, first two or three letters of your middle name)
No. OOOOOOOOH! I came THISCLOSE to divulging my real name. It ain’t Damian, kids. In case you wondered.

4. YOUR DETECTIVE NAME: (favorite color, favorite animal) Purple Wombat

5. YOUR SOAP OPERA NAME: (middle name, city where you were born)
Hmmm. Ok, I’m NOT giving you my real middle name, because (a) that’s a little too revealing for my liking, and (b) I think it’s stupid. So for the sake of argument, let’s say Damian is my middle name, and we’ll go with Damian Sumter.

6. YOUR STAR WARS NAME: (the first 3 letters of your last name, first 2 letters of your first name, first 2 letters of mom’s maiden name and first 3 letters of the town you grew up in.)
Uh, no. This one’s just dumb. How does this POSSIBLY generate your so-called Star Wars name? I mean, really. All you’ll get is a bunch of letters mashed together as though Gary Busey was trying to say the alphabet during a routine traffic stop. This bullshit ain’t no Star Wars name. Here, I’ll give you my Star Wars name right now: Homie Doncha-Knowme. And my lightsaber is black. Word.

7. SUPERHERO NAME: (your favorite color, favorite drink)
Purple Long Island Ice Tea. Yeah. That’s really fucking representative. I’m gonna be flying around Dallas, saving lives and shit, sporting a name like THAT? Guess again. Utter bullshit, yet again. This meme sucks. I’m gonna write a meme, and it’s gonna kick ass, unlike this thing which was obviously written by an illiterate gamma-radiated platypus with a harelip and a bad case of chronic halitosis. Here, I’m gonna do it right now.


1. YOUR JAIL NAME: (your mama’s boyfriend’s cousin’s name; name of the guy you blew in your junior year)

2. YOUR ALIBI’S NAME: (your boss’ name; cup size of the last woman you saw)

3. YOUR “THE LAST STARFIGHTER” NAME: (name of the street you last got drunk on; name of the brand of shoe you’re wearing)

4. YOUR HOOKER NAME: (your whole name)

5. YOUR MUSLIM NAME: (name of the cereal you last ate; “X”)

6. YOUR REHAB NAME: (name of the car you drive; name of the channel you last watched)

7. YOUR NASCAR NAME: (first two names of the last redneck you met, unless that’s you; oh, that’s all you need, actually)

There. Now THAT’S a meme you can sink your damn teeth in, right there. And who will I be tagging?

No one.

But feel free to use mine, and spread it the world around.

Fucking memes.