…And I’m back! Last week, I simply wasn’t in the mood for diatribing. For all you nosey-asses who want to know why, I say this: suck it. You know good and damn well I generally keep my private life private, so just be happy I’m back here today to bring you the yummy goodness I provide. By the way, I shaved the mohawk off. I’m bald again, and loving it, mainly because I don’t have to brush bald. That mohawk, however, required constant attention, kinda like a hot girl you bring to a strip club. Besides, it just wasn’t me. My forehead is already big, but when I’m bald, it blends into the rest of my giant head, and you can’t really tell how huge the forehead really is. With the mohawk, you can seriously tell. So much so that 2 days before I cut it, two guys from Best Buy tried to install a DVR unit on my head, mistaking it for the 52″ plasma TV they were looking for. I don’t need that shit.

But I did get a free “Firewall” DVD out of the deal.

So.

Enough chatter. I’m gonna sit here, sip some Tang, and give you my meek and kind opinions about some of the unfortunate souls in the news. Saddle up!

On with the ‘tribe.

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Police arrested a man Friday after a bizarre chase and brief standoff on a major freeway. A Mesa police officer pulled over Robert Floyd Miles, 48, on U.S. 60 because his 2001 Daewoo had expired tags, said Holly Hosac, a spokeswoman with the department. Also in the car were a 41-year-old woman and her child, a baby about 3 months old, Hosac said, adding that she believes Miles is the baby’s father. At first, she said, Miles was cooperative, but then the officer found two felony warrants – one for child abuse – and a misdemeanor warrant were out for Miles. When backup arrived, Miles fled, Hosac said. The officers followed the car at a distance. Miles let the woman get out of the car after he pulled over on the freeway, but he didn’t stop for long. Officers followed him on the freeway until he hit a traffic jam and then ran into a guardrail. When officers approached, he had taken the baby out of the car and was holding it in one arm. He put the baby in the car when officers instructed him to do so, but he grabbed a large, black bag and put his hand in it as if grabbing for a weapon, Hosac said. Police shot him with a beanbag round, but that did not affect the 350-pounder, she said. They then used a flash bang, a diversionary device that makes a loud noise and puts up smoke. After that, they set a police dog on him. Miles struggled with the dog, and then threw himself in the car and was on top of the child, Hosac said. At that point, officers were able to take him into custody. The child, who had been in the car for about 45 minutes in the heat while the standoff ensued, at first was unresponsive but was breathing, Hosac said. The baby will be OK, she said. It was unclear what charges Miles will face. Hosac did not know whether the woman would face charges.

God, where to begin? It’s like going to a Chinese buffet on payday. Let’s start with a 350 pound man driving a 2001 Daewoo. That, in and of itself, should be outlawed and deemed unsafe. I’m surprised the wheels didn’t just pop the fuck off as soon as he folded his gargantuan buttocks into the driver’s seat. People – if you have to slather on Vasoline to get in and out of your car, either call Jenny Craig today like Kirstie Alley, or upgrade your whip (that’s black for “car”, non-hipsters). Now, the guy was cool about things until police backup arrived, then he fled. Wouldn’t it be easier to escape ONE police car, rather than, say, 10? What was he sticking around for, to see if they really meant it? The cops shot him with a bean bag, a flash-bang grenade, and sicced a police dog on him. This right here should tell you how the cops feel about killing folks, ’cause they really didn’t have to do all that. They coulda popped him, “The Shield” style, and hit up a crack house and a coffee shop on the way back to The Barn. But no, they were trying to save him from himself, and they should be applauded for their efforts. But the worst part, the unfunny part of the story, is the fact that this asshole left an infant in a hot car for a long period of time while he being a fucknut, and THEN he jumped on TOP of the baby. I swear, 350 pounds or not, I would kick his monkey ass if I was one of the cops. Or if even I was a brotha in Dallas. Either way. I hope someone 450 pounds jumps on top of HIM in jail.

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NEW DELHI – You would think this guy would be pretty popular with the women. A businessman in New Delhi is going to have surgery to remove one of his TWO penises so that he can marry and lead a normal sexual life. The man suffers from an extremely rare medical condition known as penile duplication or diphallus. “Two fully functional penes is unheard of even in medical literature. In the more common form of diphallus, one organ is rudimentary,” the Times of India quoted a surgeon as saying. However, two is a crowd for this man, who wishes to undergo the challenging surgery and get on with his normal life. The surgery will be tough for doctors since both organs are well-formed and blood supply has to be ensured to the remaining penis for it to function normally.

Um, no. No way I’d get one of ’em cut off. Fuck that. 2 penii? Thank you, God. No, don’t keep the receipt – I won’t be needing that. In fact, I’d be a superstar the world over. You don’t think that I’d immediately get into the porn biz and start making some bank off my condition? Especially if both penii are fully functional! Oh, the stories I’d tell. Can you imagine the pick-up lines for this guy?

2 Penis: “Hey, wanna go out sometime?”
Girl: “Change ‘out’ to ‘away’, and add your name at the end, mmkay, sport?”

2P: “I think I’ve got something that could change your mind.”
Girl: “Nice try. I don’t think you can handle me.”

2P: “Yeah, you’re probably right. Call a friend to come with you.”

Mack daddy of the YEAR. You could jerk off AND get head at the same time.

Only I would think of something like that.

I am so depraved.

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MUSKEGON HEIGHTS, Michigan – A woman was so afraid that she would lose her boyfriend while she recuperated from surgery that she arranged for her 15-year-old daughter to have sex with him. Police were astonished to discover that the three had even signed an agreement that detailed the sexual services the girl would provide and what she would receive as compensation. The 37-year-old man and the girl had sex about 20 times over two months. The agreement was brought to police attention after the girl talked to another adult. “It’s incredible that any parent would be involved in such a blatant case of abuse against her own daughter,” prosecutor Tony Tague told The Muskegon Chronicle.

I included this story only to show how sick and REALLY depraved some people really are. What kind of mother would have self-esteem so fucking subterranean that she would offer up her teenage daughter to her boyfriend as substitute poontang? What kind of sick-in-the-fucking-head lowlife man would accept such an offer? This is utterly reprehensible, and I’m pretty sure they don’t make a section of Hell hot enough for these two inhuman, deranged, malignant, should’ve-been-swallowed-at-ejaculation fucknuts. Sterilization should definitely be a large part of their punishment, preferably in some arcane, medieval fashion involving a hot iron and a pair of pliers. And this poor girl…she’s gonna be fucked up for life. Don’t think for a second that this is the first bit of abuse she’s endured. This is just the shit we’ve HEARD about. No one goes from zero to “hey, bang my daughter” like that. This was just the tip of the iceberg. Let’s just hope that the damage to her psyche can be healed in time, before she has her OWN kids, and before the pattern can repeat itself. A signed contract. I wanna know whose idea it was in the first place. Sounds like some man shit to me, actually. “Gee, I don’t know if I can go 6 weeks without my ‘medicine’, Misty. You know how I am. Say, Crystal’s looking good…” Fuck. I can’t even finish that – it’s too much, even for me.

Hey look, I found the line I won’t cross. I was wondering where it was.

Peace.

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