I don’t know ya’ll.

I think he’s a little upset with me.

He started out VERY “ALL CAPS” on my ass but now, he’s saying he’s NOT mad and that he just wants his “password” or whatever.

Hmmmm…I think he’s lying.

Anyhow, enough about HIM…this is MY bitch for the time being and I’m not gonna waste these precious moments I have with his readers trying to figure out his mood. It’s all good. Mama knows how to fight. Bring it.

One last thing…Double Dee? You reading this? Good…listen up. I did this as a FAVOR to you. I didn’t want you to have to spend your holiday weekend furiously writing BORING shit. I wanted you to enjoy your family. Go to a waterpark. Play Scrabble. Make popcorn. Watch a movie. Play a mean game of Twister. Play dress up with your dogs. Eat a bug. Anything….except blog.

With that being said, it’s my pleasure to bring you:

LAURIE’S LUSCIOUS LINKS!!

Don’t get the wrong idea ya’ll. It’s not sex links. I just needed an “L” word, keeping up with the whole DDD thing. I thought about “Loud” or “Lavicious” or “Leprechaun”…but Luscious, well…it just fit.

Without any further delay, ON WITH THE…..uh…er….Links!!!
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This struck me as kind of WEIRD. When I heard people talk about this, I kind of didn’t believe them. I truly thought it was a joke. Well, I googled that bitch. LORD AND BEHOLD, it’s FOR REAL, PEOPLE!!!!!! I read the entire article but I was most impressed with the RULES at the bottom. I’ll paste them here, just for you. Plus, it might get DD some AWESOME keyword search hits from statcounter! Yay!

Rules for Dwarf Throwing

If a dwarf is thrown through a glass window or glass door, he must wear gloves and a suitable mask.

If a dwarf is thrown through a burning hoop, extinguishers must be provided.

If a dwarf is thrown down a well, the organizers must ensure that the bottom of the well is dry, and is covered by leaves to a depth of three inches..

If a dwarf is to be thrown across the path of an oncoming train, the thrower must previously satisfy the organizers that he bears no personal malice against the throwee.

If a dwarf is thrown into a pond or river, he must wear a wetsuit and need not be tightly bound.

If dwarfs are thrown at night, they may be painted with phosphorescent paint, so that the point of impact may be clearly seen.

If a dwarf refuses to be bound in the usual way before throwing, he may be put in a straitjacket of the requisite size.

If a dwarf utters any sound whatsoever, either in flight or at the moment of impact, the throw will be disqualified.

If a jockey impersonates a dwarf and wins a competition because his light weight allows him to be thrown farthest, he will be liable to a fine of £1000 or three years imprisonment.

It is strictly forbidden in dwarf-throwing literature and publicity, to refer to dwarfs as ‘persons of restricted growth’ or ‘small people’.

I mean…..whoa. They are SERIOUS when it comes to the “rules”. I personally disagree with dwarf tossing. I mean, if you are a dwarf and it’s your way to make a living, then I guess it’s ok. But I don’t know that I myself would EVER toss a dwarf. This is not to say that I wouldn’t LAUGH if I were to ever ATTEND a dwarf tossing event. I don’t know how I could stand idly by and watch a 200 lb man pick up a dwarf by a hoop on his BACK like a piece of LUGGAGE and give him the old “1-2-3” and throw him and NOT laugh. But I would try my best. I wonder if they would let ME be the “tossee”??? I mean, I don’t weigh THAT much and I could always bring my knees up to my chin for better leverage. Hmmmm…..it just might work, people. Well, shit. I might FAIL on one of the rules though. I most certainly would be “uttering a sound” or two. More like screaming my ASS off as I was getting thrown. But in a good way. Meh…oh well. I guess I’m not cut out for being dwarf tossed. Truth be told, I wouldn’t be too excited about being tossed in front of the “PATH” of a moving train. Or being tossed in a river. Or a burning ring of fire. Fuck. I’m so pissed! Oh well….I don’t need a hobby like that anyway. I mean, I’m perfectly fine just fucking up Damian’s blog. Good times!!

This next link is RIGHT up my alley!!! Whooot Whooot!!! WHOA MAMA! Easy on the color! I’m OUTTA CONTROL!! I just beat the shit outta Paris and Celine! This could EASILY be….my new favorite website!! I think it would be cool if we could upload our own pictures and punch THEM! I SO know who’d I’d punch! Bada ding, babies!!!! I know who DD would punch too. No…not me, sillies!! The person who talked him into EVER writing a BLOG!! Ell Oh Ell, people. Ell. Oh. Ell.

I decided to use BROWN for this next link. Check THIS shit out. No pun intended. Don’t worry, Double D…I signed you up for the newsletter. All you ever wanted to know…about poop. I mean, there are t-shirts and thongs and mugs PLUS trivia questions and LITTLE KNOWN FACTS!!! It’s such an amazing site…full of shit…..kinda fitting, don’t ya think?

Hey laaaaaaaaaaaaaadies! Have I got the SITE for YOU!!! Heartless BITCHES ROCK!!!!!! I already ordered the “I’m not bitter.” t-shirt!! Fuck yes!!!!!! DD…you want a shirt? I’ll hook you up. I got yo back, fool.

Alright…I’m spent.

Peas.

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