Well, my holiday weekend slash blog takeover is coming to an end. The only reason I chose my WAR at this time was because I had four days off to keep this My Blog/My New Blog shit going. I’m sure he’ll be happy when he finds his NEW password in his email and he can get back to boring us all with tales of…well, whatever it is he writes about that doesn’t interest me. One more day, my silly little man. One more day and I will set this bitch free.

But for NOW, I asked readers to send in questions for you.

And I’m taking the liberty of answering them.

Let’s do this.

HotDrWife was wondering:

Dearest Dark One,

Why is it when I buy a package of hot dogs – to which there are 10 … I
have to buy a package of hot dog BUNS, and there are eight of those
fuckers?? Kind of stupid. Explain that one. Oh….and if a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he naked or homeless??

Thank you, Oh Wise Dark Angry Damian,
HDW

DD, I got this.

HDW,

Being an eater of weiners, I have often pondered this myself, as I’m sure Dark Damian has too, since he loves weiners. Absolutely LOVES them. Gobbles them up any chance he gets. I bet this holiday weekend, he’s probably eaten 6 weiners or more!!! Mmmmm mmmmm. Chow down, DD. Anyway, the makers of weiners and the makers of buns have obviously never crossed paths because they are total idiots and can not fucking COUNT!! I hate shit like this and I’ll probably get some bullshit angry weiner makers starting a thread on their fucking weiner forum talking about how I TALKED SHIT ABOUT THEIR ABILITIES when in reality, the problem LIES WITH THE WEINER AND BUN MAKERS!!!!! NOT ME, MISTER!!! Dammit. Tangent. So, what you should probably do is just eat the remaining two weiners plain. Or wrap them in a croissant. That’s yummy! Or…chop them up and give them to your chihuahua as you train him to roll over and this will take ALL day so two chopped up weiners should be about right. On second thought, I think DD does tricks for bits of weiner. Throw them at him. By the way, if a turtle doesn’t have a shell, he’s soup, in my book. Jot that down.

Our next question is from FreshAirLover…she asks:

DD–Um, is this you?

Bitch, please. Seriously. You are KIDDING, right? When has his blog EVER “look-did” THIS good???? And if I have to explain “look-did” to you people, I will die. This is yours truly, the one and only White Trash Queen in DA HOUSE!!! Takin’ names and kickin’ Double D ass on LABOR DAY WEEKEND!!! He should be THANKING me, seeing that this is giving him much needed rest and time with the wife and baseball with the kids and walks with the dogs. While I SLAVE away on this computer, giving the masses shits and giggles. WHERE’S MY BBQ, DARK ONE??? HUH??? Riddle me THAT, bitch. So, NO….this is NOT DD. This is a bitch with a pile of DIRT in her backyard and a package of weiners, ready to kill. Enjoy.

Linda sent in our next question:

Dear Dark Damian,

would you be offended if someone called you Mocha Damian, or Cafe Latte Damian? My daughter doesn’t like to use the terms dark or black (she’s afraid of the color black) and calls people of color brown or creamy coffee – can we call you that?

Linda

Linda, honey….I think Cafe Latte Damian is a FINE nickname for a strapping young buck like the Double D. He would LOVE it!!! I, personally like to call myself Sexy Vanilla OR Tempting White Chocolate OR FINE ASS BITCH….whichever. But Dark Damian DOES sound a tad….scary. And he is NOT scary at all. Have you heard his poetry reading? Whiter than my grandma’s panties…I tell ya! He is a big faker. He’s not DARK at all. He’s the Carlton of our time. From Fresh Prince of Bel Air. Remember? All sweater vests and white boy dance all rolled up into this black package that we know as Dark Damian. CLD it is. Ooooh….that looks like a NAUGHTY word, doesn’t it????? Nice suggestion, Linda! Thanks! Oh…and tell your daughter not to be afraid of the color black. It’s pretty and stuff.

And finally, we have this gem from pete:

dear damien…my new boyfriend just sent me a pic. Would you send me one too? I love barely black girly men and have dreams of the three of us playing paper dolls, doing each others hair and talking about boys…hugs, pete

Dear pete,

Whoa, little fella. Wrong blog. I said he likes WEINERS….not scary little men who live in their mom’s basement and shit. A big fat NO on the “doing each others hair”. He’s bald. I’m saying “maybe” on the paper doll play though. I can totally see him with a Polly Pocket Playland too. But I’m SURE the only “boys” he will be talking about would be his sons. He’s married, you freak. Didn’t you ever READ his old BLOG? No? Meh…me either. I just wreaked havoc in the comment section.

OH EM GEE!!! I can’t WAIT for the GRAND FINALE tomorrow. I have so much FUN planned. There’s gonna be PONY rides and a cotton candy machine and EVERYTHING!!!

God…..the colors. All the pretty colors. I love my new blog.

Piece of pie.

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