***UPDATED***

Skip down to see the updates. I SAID SKIP! Move your big ol’ ass!

Today, for the first time, I’m going to try my hand at picking college football games. Oh yes, Lily, I’m impeding all over your territory, but hey – I’m willing to take the risk. I ain’t scared of you. Besides, I’m a rookie at this, and you’re you. We can coexist.

Let’s do this.

Vs. #9

Colorado is 0-3. Georgia is 3-0, ranked 9th in the country, and playing at home. Buffalo fans, find something else to watch on TV. Watch “Grey’s Anatomy” on TiVO. Watch Animal Planet. Hell, watch old Kordell Stewart highlights from back in the 90s, when your team was relevant entertaining. But don’t watch this game, ’cause the Bulldogs are gonna destroy you. Oh yeah – how’s that Boise St head coach working out for ya?

Prediction: 35-17 Georgia
Outcome: 14-13 Georgia

Jeez, Georgia! Way to make a brotha sweat. I mean yeah, you WON, but damn. This shit’s ridiculous. Next time you think about almost making me look bad, get a friend to slap you. It’ll save me the time and effort.

Damian: 1-0

Vs. #2

“Hello? Yes? I’d like to order one sacrificial lamb, please. No no, we’ll pay for it. Just have it delivered to the University of Auburn, please. Oh, where will it be shipped from? Buffalo, you say? They have a university there? Wow, who knew? It doesn’t matter. Just ship it down, and we’ll manhandle it from there. Thank you! OH! Please include several hot cheerleaders. You don’t have any? Ok, just send that lamb, then.”

Prediction: 56-10 Auburn
Outcome:38-7 Auburn

Well, this is fine. It’s still a blowout, but I gotta question how Auburn allowed Buffalo to score anything except maybe some good weed for the long plane ride home. You get your ass beat by 31, some good ol’ chocolate thai goes a long way.

Damian: 2-0

#24 Vs. #1

The Penn State Nittany Lions aren’t a bad team, but they’re about to be greased and pushed down an incline toward a buzzsaw. Someone PLEASE tell me what the hell a “nittany” lion is. Please. I’ve been asking for years. I hope Joe Paterno owns stock in Tums, ’cause he’s gonna be chewing the hell out of some tomorrow.

Prediction: 24-10 Ohio St.
Outcome: 28-6 Ohio St.

Wow. I’m impressed with myself. No, I wasn’t dead on, but I totally nailed the total score. I’m getting good at this. Although I really thought Penn State would do a better job. Oh well – maybe they don’t know exactly what a nittany lion is, either.

Damian: 3-0

#3 Vs.

Uh, no. AZ’s gonna get a Booty call in the form of John David Booty, QB for USC. Just leave the light on for him, and make sure there’s candles lit. He wants you to look him in the eye while he’s putting it to you. Arizona has a fighting chance, though. Maybe they can sneak to L.A. and give the whole team blowjobs food poisoning. Miracles happen. Or not.

Prediction: 44-14 USC
Outcome: 20-3 USC

Well, well, well. It wasn’t quite as bad as I thought. A 17 point loss to the Trojans (heh) is respectable, and shows a lot of heart and courage on behalf of the U of A players. Hey Laurie – looks like you’ll have to suck a little harder next time, mmmkay? Your boys still went down like a Bronx hooker on payday. With an equilibrium problem.

Damian: 4-0

Vs. #19

HOLLA! My boys, fresh from beating Florida State in their own stadium, return home to face the UNC Tar Heels who, by all estimations, shouldn’t even make the 5 hour drive down from Chapel Hill. This OUGHT to be a slam dunk, but my Clemson Tigers have a habit of playing to the level of the competition, meaning they look like superstars against top quality opponents, but like me and 10 other copies of me against lower-level teams. For the record, I suck.

Prediction: 31-21 Clemson
Outcome: 52-7 Clemson

Oh. Oh, my. I was right – they should’ve stayed in Chapel Hill. Someone call Law and Order: Special Victims Unit, ’cause I think UNC needs counseling after this assault and battery. Just show us where the ouchie is, UNC. Point to it on this doll, if you’re scared. No, Clemson can’t hurt you anymore… they’re gone till next year. It’s ok, sweetheart. It’s not your fault. Sorry, folks. I still haven’t forgiven UNC for that time back in 1992 when their marching band came into OUR stadium, singing “You’ll Be Home For Christmas” because we were having a bad year that year. We beat that ass on THAT day, and we beat it on Saturday. Bitches.

Damian: 5-0

Well, how about THAT? I went 5-0 on my first week on the job! Looks like da kid knows his college football. I’ll definitely be making this a regular feature during the season, and if any of you want to challenge me or suggest games for me to pick, feel free to comment or send me an email. If you can come up with compelling (read: sarcastic, funny, or both) reasons for me to include your pick this week, that will be a pleasant bonus. Now – feel free to talk shit or whatever.

Ni-GAH!

(It’s been awhile. Had to dust that off.)

Peace.

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