***UPDATED***
Skip down to see the updates. I SAID SKIP! Move your big ol’ ass!
Today, for the first time, I’m going to try my hand at picking college football games. Oh yes, Lily, I’m impeding all over your territory, but hey – I’m willing to take the risk. I ain’t scared of you. Besides, I’m a rookie at this, and you’re you. We can coexist.
Let’s do this.
Colorado is 0-3. Georgia is 3-0, ranked 9th in the country, and playing at home. Buffalo fans, find something else to watch on TV. Watch “Grey’s Anatomy” on TiVO. Watch Animal Planet. Hell, watch old Kordell Stewart highlights from back in the 90s, when your team was relevant entertaining. But don’t watch this game, ’cause the Bulldogs are gonna destroy you. Oh yeah – how’s that Boise St head coach working out for ya?
Prediction: 35-17 Georgia
Outcome: 14-13 Georgia
Jeez, Georgia! Way to make a brotha sweat. I mean yeah, you WON, but damn. This shit’s ridiculous. Next time you think about almost making me look bad, get a friend to slap you. It’ll save me the time and effort.
Damian: 1-0
“Hello? Yes? I’d like to order one sacrificial lamb, please. No no, we’ll pay for it. Just have it delivered to the University of Auburn, please. Oh, where will it be shipped from? Buffalo, you say? They have a university there? Wow, who knew? It doesn’t matter. Just ship it down, and we’ll manhandle it from there. Thank you! OH! Please include several hot cheerleaders. You don’t have any? Ok, just send that lamb, then.”
Prediction: 56-10 Auburn
Outcome:38-7 Auburn
Well, this is fine. It’s still a blowout, but I gotta question how Auburn allowed Buffalo to score anything except maybe some good weed for the long plane ride home. You get your ass beat by 31, some good ol’ chocolate thai goes a long way.
Damian: 2-0
The Penn State Nittany Lions aren’t a bad team, but they’re about to be greased and pushed down an incline toward a buzzsaw. Someone PLEASE tell me what the hell a “nittany” lion is. Please. I’ve been asking for years. I hope Joe Paterno owns stock in Tums, ’cause he’s gonna be chewing the hell out of some tomorrow.
Prediction: 24-10 Ohio St.
Outcome: 28-6 Ohio St.
Wow. I’m impressed with myself. No, I wasn’t dead on, but I totally nailed the total score. I’m getting good at this. Although I really thought Penn State would do a better job. Oh well – maybe they don’t know exactly what a nittany lion is, either.
Damian: 3-0
Uh, no. AZ’s gonna get a Booty call in the form of John David Booty, QB for USC. Just leave the light on for him, and make sure there’s candles lit. He wants you to look him in the eye while he’s putting it to you. Arizona has a fighting chance, though. Maybe they can sneak to L.A. and give the whole team blowjobs food poisoning. Miracles happen. Or not.
Prediction: 44-14 USC
Outcome: 20-3 USC
Well, well, well. It wasn’t quite as bad as I thought. A 17 point loss to the Trojans (heh) is respectable, and shows a lot of heart and courage on behalf of the U of A players. Hey Laurie – looks like you’ll have to suck a little harder next time, mmmkay? Your boys still went down like a Bronx hooker on payday. With an equilibrium problem.
Damian: 4-0
HOLLA! My boys, fresh from beating Florida State in their own stadium, return home to face the UNC Tar Heels who, by all estimations, shouldn’t even make the 5 hour drive down from Chapel Hill. This OUGHT to be a slam dunk, but my Clemson Tigers have a habit of playing to the level of the competition, meaning they look like superstars against top quality opponents, but like me and 10 other copies of me against lower-level teams. For the record, I suck.
Prediction: 31-21 Clemson
Outcome: 52-7 Clemson
Oh. Oh, my. I was right – they should’ve stayed in Chapel Hill. Someone call Law and Order: Special Victims Unit, ’cause I think UNC needs counseling after this assault and battery. Just show us where the ouchie is, UNC. Point to it on this doll, if you’re scared. No, Clemson can’t hurt you anymore… they’re gone till next year. It’s ok, sweetheart. It’s not your fault. Sorry, folks. I still haven’t forgiven UNC for that time back in 1992 when their marching band came into OUR stadium, singing “You’ll Be Home For Christmas” because we were having a bad year that year. We beat that ass on THAT day, and we beat it on Saturday. Bitches.
Damian: 5-0
Well, how about THAT? I went 5-0 on my first week on the job! Looks like da kid knows his college football. I’ll definitely be making this a regular feature during the season, and if any of you want to challenge me or suggest games for me to pick, feel free to comment or send me an email. If you can come up with compelling (read: sarcastic, funny, or both) reasons for me to include your pick this week, that will be a pleasant bonus. Now – feel free to talk shit or whatever.
Ni-GAH!
(It’s been awhile. Had to dust that off.)
Peace.
52 comments
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September 22, 2006 at 3:01 pm
Dark Damian
Excuse me?
Come again?
Beg your pardon?
Pipe your narrow ass down.
September 22, 2006 at 3:02 pm
Laurie
Clemson.
September 22, 2006 at 3:02 pm
Laurie
Sucks.
September 22, 2006 at 3:02 pm
Laurie
My.
September 22, 2006 at 3:02 pm
Laurie
Asshole.
September 22, 2006 at 3:02 pm
Laurie
Hear me now?
September 22, 2006 at 3:03 pm
Dark Damian
I hope your skank team loses by 69 tomorrow.
That way, the ugly-ass players can finally say they took part in a 69 or whatever.
Bitch.
September 22, 2006 at 3:04 pm
Laurie
Maybe you should suit up then.
So you can participate.
Clemson still sucks my asshole.
September 22, 2006 at 3:09 pm
Laurie
Do you live in L.A. or something?
September 22, 2006 at 3:33 pm
Softball Slut
What about UT? HUH HUH HUH???? What is your prediction there?
I would go to your show but I will be closer to Houston this weekend for my dad and M’s birthday party. I wouldnt pass up free shots. I get a little crazy with free, free jello, free shots, and free jello shots.
September 22, 2006 at 5:36 pm
Randi
Let’s go Trojans, let’s go! More for the marching band than the actual game but whatevs.
September 22, 2006 at 8:15 pm
The Lily
I don’t mind, but choose some real games next time. Seriously. Granted, this week is pretty boring.
But like I said before, if Clemson doesn’t embarrass the holy fucking pansy-ass powder blue wool off those faggoty ass heels, you and me? We’re not friends. I’ll cut you.
JoePa should have retired like he said he was going to after last season. I see nothing but pain and suffering for that team until he does.
September 22, 2006 at 8:30 pm
Dark Damian
Bitch, please. You ain’t cuttin’ shit. You best worry about your own issues (coughncstatecough) than worry about whether we’ll wax that UNC ass. We’ll handle our business, don’t you worry. And you’ll be my friend, ’cause I’m cool like that.
But I’m with you on JoePa. He shoulda been an ESPN commentator right now, instead of chewing his hairpiece the night before a humiliating loss.
September 22, 2006 at 8:34 pm
The Lily
nigga, can i call you nigga? Good.
nigga, I’ll worry about my team when we play UNC. My goal right now is to make sure that UNC gets de-sacked each and every game this season.
Period.
September 22, 2006 at 8:44 pm
fyrchk
Scuse me……
Who dis bitch?
Ain’t NOBODY callin’ MY MAN nigga but me. You gots that? I will cut a bitch.
Damn white girls thinkin’ they black and shit.
September 22, 2006 at 8:44 pm
fyrchk
Oh, my bad.
I’m white.
But inside I AM A NUBIAN QUEEN!
September 22, 2006 at 8:44 pm
The Lily
F: I GOT THE ASS! IT’S AS GOOD A BEING BORN BROWN!
September 22, 2006 at 8:57 pm
fyrchk
But I’ve got the attitude. BOOYAH!
September 22, 2006 at 9:33 pm
Dark Damian
I know she did NOT just call me ‘nigga’ up in my own house.
And you TOO, Fyr!
I’mma let this shit slide this one time, seeing as how y’all are my peeps and all.
Damn white girls…
September 22, 2006 at 9:40 pm
fyrchk
Sorry…cracka.
September 23, 2006 at 6:30 am
The Lily
It’s a nice house.
September 23, 2006 at 6:57 pm
The Lily
I see you got yer wish. Way to go Tigers.
September 25, 2006 at 12:10 am
DrM2B
um….yeah…..I DONT SKIP FOR ANYONE!
second?…..My booty is not a big ‘ole ass……its a pa-gow…yummy ba-dunkadunk booty!
NiGah!
September 25, 2006 at 8:43 am
Softball Slut
DD – I want a UT score next game please? Is that too much to ask for? I mean I give and I give and I give and I get nothing from ya. Whassup wit dat?
September 25, 2006 at 9:12 am
Laurie
DD – You got a little something around your lips.
Looks like USC jizm.
September 25, 2006 at 12:30 pm
Dark Damian
Sorry, L – got caught up in the moment there. My bad. U of A played a hell of a game.
SS – Texas…Texas…sounds familiar, but I just can’t place the name. Is the last name “Tech”, “A&M”, or “Christian University”? ‘Cause I was seriously thinking about putting in a pick for one of them. If you mean University of Texas, well, when they’re not playing Sam Houston State, I’ll be sure to slide ’em on in there. Oct 7, when they play OU, I’ll put in a pick for ’em.
Guess which team I’ll pick to win.
September 25, 2006 at 2:45 pm
Laurie
“Sorry, L….blah blah blah”
Who are you and what have you done with Damian???????
All that USC jizz made you a little soft.
Pussy.
UofA played like shit. That’s why it was 20-3.
Stop sucking my asshole. I expect that LEAST from you.
September 25, 2006 at 2:47 pm
Dark Damian
Fuck you. I was TRYING to be a gentleman or whatever, since that’s how my mama raised me, but it appears that I don’t have to fall back on my training with your ghetto ass.
Kiss my black ass.
September 25, 2006 at 2:48 pm
Laurie
Welcome back, Kotter.
September 25, 2006 at 2:48 pm
Dark Damian
Bitch.
September 25, 2006 at 2:50 pm
Laurie
Awwwwww YEAH!
I’m feelin’ the LOVE now!!!
Whew!
We thought we lost you there for a sec!!
I was fixin’ to perform mouth-to-mouth, if I had to.
Or let one of these other gals have that pleasure.
I’m sure they’d be LINED the FUCK up.
September 25, 2006 at 3:02 pm
Dark Damian
If YOU are administering mouth-to-mouth, it’d be more like mouth-to-face, as large as that orifice is on you.
Oh yeah – the line forms to the right.
September 25, 2006 at 3:08 pm
Laurie
Bitch, please.
I’ve seen your mouth up against that “mic” or as I like to call it, “metal penis”.
I believe a bat flew up outta there.
September 25, 2006 at 3:11 pm
Dark Damian
It flew outta there, all right.
It was late for dinner at your place.
He said he was your cousin Craig.
September 25, 2006 at 3:14 pm
Laurie
You eat male bats????
Focus:
My cousin Craig is a practicing vampire. It’s a religion. Don’t criticize.
What you gonna do about the cobwebs in your mouth??
September 25, 2006 at 3:19 pm
Dark Damian
Hmm. Good question. I COULD sell ’em to Mr. Man on ebay, if they’ll fit over that black hole with teeth between your nose and your chin. Or I could freeze-dry them and send ’em to you as Halloween gifts.
Did I say “Halloween”? My bad. I meant “the day you get to walk around out of costume”.
September 25, 2006 at 3:22 pm
Laurie
Bitch, I always walk around naked.
You are stupid.
And not funny.
As for Mr. Man, I have already instructed him to watch out for the “strange black fellow” who wears a trench coat and tries to peddle his “goods” off to other people.
He has a whistle, you know. He’ll use it.
September 25, 2006 at 3:36 pm
Dark Damian
Just ’cause you think you got Mr. Man beaten into submission doesn’t mean he won’t be looking for cobwebs on the black market. And it don’t get much more blacker than me.
Little does he know that he’d prolly find some half-decent cobwebs behind your knees.
September 25, 2006 at 4:25 pm
The Lily
Oh, hey, sorry. My mistake. I came here looking for sports talk.
September 25, 2006 at 4:29 pm
Dark Damian
Pipe down, Lily. I’ll get back around to that. My ADD forced me to defend myself in a manner befitting my stupidity. This is my shit. Sometimes I get off track, but that’s why this blog has four-wheel drive. Strap in.
There. Now that the storm has passed…
How ’bout them NC Staters? Beating a pretty good BC team. Congrats and all that. Amato lives for another week. Do they play Clemson this year?
September 25, 2006 at 4:39 pm
The Lily
I’m just pointing out what should be the obvious izzall.
Don’t get me wrong, I love that we beat the Eagles and it’s a W in the right column… the football purist in revolts. The Pack was just a bit too Cardiac and not enough strategy if you ask me.
Clemson cometh on 11 NOV.
September 25, 2006 at 4:40 pm
Laurie
My bad…I thought this was a funny blog.
Not ESP fucking N.
September 25, 2006 at 4:52 pm
The Lily
DD is funny and wrote about sporting events. However, I can see your point in that I have overstepped my bounds in wanting to talk sports on a sports post.
Please resume the horribly riveting business of calling him bitch or pussy.
September 25, 2006 at 5:02 pm
Laurie
Wow…I don’t know how much more “W in the right column” and “too Cardiac and not enough strategy” I can take. I mean…talk about repeating one’s self. We get it…You know sports.
As for my horribly riveting use of the words “bitch” and “pussy”, I know this ain’t the first time you’ve been up in this blog so shut the fuck up. He seems to like it. Maybe you’d have his attention more if you tried it once in awhile.
DD – Let me know when this blog isn’t so uptight. Send a memo….email…smoke fucking signal.
Bitch.
Pussy.
September 25, 2006 at 8:45 pm
hotdrwife
I’m not giving you a dollar. Just sayin’ is all!!!
September 25, 2006 at 8:48 pm
Laurie
hdw – he’s so greedy.
September 26, 2006 at 4:40 am
Anonymous
Football is a girly sport.
September 26, 2006 at 6:30 am
Metalchick
I come here for the commentary and the trash talking. If I wanted real sports analytics, I’d hit ESPN cause they know everything about football 😛
September 26, 2006 at 6:31 am
jali
My “big ole ass”. Didn’t know you could see me. Hmmmmph!
September 26, 2006 at 12:15 pm
DrM2B
HEY!…..any and all Native American slanderous comments are to be directed MY way….
I got your smoke signal right here!……just tell me which wagon U R in so I can burn it down!
September 26, 2006 at 2:30 pm
Laurie
Jesus H. Christ….Ooops! Sorry, Jews!
You don’t need to be in on this fight. NO one called your name.
Besides….I believe this was YESTERDAY’S drama. Keep up.
Don’t you have something witty to say regarding today’s post???
September 26, 2006 at 2:43 pm
Dark Damian
Enough.
No more comments.
Let’s move on to the next thing, ’cause this one’s beaten to death.