I am such an idiot.

I knew that my band Nonetheless had an internet radio interview on RenegadeRadio.net on Sunday night. I didn’t totally forget THAT fact. But I did completely forget to, you know, TELL people about it so that they might listen in. I’m sorry, I was busy last week, working my pecan tan butt off and getting ready for a work-related conference for which I had to give a presentation. I was stressing so much over that presentation that I kinda forgot about being on the radio, or even being in a band. But I did manage to come to my senses as we were going on the air, and I know that DWW, Laurie, Fyrchk, Southern Canadian, Arbusto, and Fresh Air Lover got a chance to hear my band rock out acoustically to our own songs, plus some covers. It was so much fun. The best part of all was when I utterly forgot how a solo went on one of our songs, and I literally started playing gibberish through it while my bandmates all did that slow head turn with the wide eyes that says “What in the happy-go-lucky FUCK are you doing??” Overall, we’ve gotten some really positive feedback from the experience, which is nice, considering we’d never even attempted to play our tunes acoustically before. And before you ask, yes – it’s very, very different. By the way, feel free to scroll down, find my band’s logo on the bottom right of the page, and click the little link below it to buy some NTL swag. We’ll thank you for it.

On another note, I sprained my left ankle slightly on Sunday, because for a few fleeting moments, I thought my mother had named me Pele or David Beckham rather than the Damian moniker she applied to me. 7YO had a soccer game (no, I wasn’t the ref, and no, Sistagirl wasn’t there), and while we were waiting for the coach, I decided to “help” the kids by having them line up in front of the goal to try to score on me. And oh, did they score. It looked like a videogame out there, with my 34 year old ass getting SCHOOLED by some 7 year olds. Some of those kids are midget professional soccer players, I swear. Anyway, the ball had sailed into the back of another net, and I thoughtfully went to grab it (since I had failed to grab it as it zoomed by me a few seconds earlier). As I picked up the ball and started to run back to my goal, my extra-large size 13 feet got tangled in the goal net, and I went down hard, face-first, into the dirt. But me being me, I hit that ground like it was a trampoline, baby. I was back on my feet in seconds, smiling, brushing off help, and ignoring the burning/stinging sensation in my wrists, and the sharp pain in my ankle. The sad thing was that I wasn’t even embarrassed, ’cause I do shit like that regularly. That makes me clumsy.

OK. I know what you’re here for. Enough foreplay.

Let’s diatribe.

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ERIE, Pa. – A woman has been charged on counts of aggravated assault, reckless endangerment and simple assault after using her 4-week-old baby boy as a weapon during a domestic dispute. Chytoria Graham, 27, used her infant during the fight by swinging him through the air and striking the baby’s head against her boyfriend’s body. The infant suffered a fracture of the right temporal region and some brain bleeding. He is being treated at Children’s Hospital in Pittsburgh, where he was in serious but stable condition. Other children were removed by authorities from Graham’s home, and later placed in the temporary care of their maternal grandparents.


I…
I have no words.
Wait – I found some.
What the fuck is wrong with people? I know I ask this question a lot, especially around Diatribe time, but seriously – WHAT IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE? Who gets so damn mad at someone that they swing a BABY at them? When I first read this story, I thought it was a joke, and I kept waiting for someone to say “hahaha” or “you got punked” or something at the end, because there was just no way any quasi-functional, semi-civilized person would even THINK to try to strike someone using another human being. It’s stories like this that make me think that forced sterilization isn’t a bad idea. Chytoria. Christ almighty. Here’s a little rule of thumb for naming your children: if the name you’ve chosen has never been a name before, or even a word in any language, save up for bail money, not tuition. Shit like this makes me want to punch humankind in the neck.

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BILOXI, Miss. – Attention all pregnant mothers – if your husband is an avid sports fan, you might not want to let him be in charge of naming the baby. Otherwise, you might end up like Leann Real, who now has a bouncing baby boy named ESPN. Real had promised her husband that if they had a son he could pick the name. Well, she made good on her promise, and ESPN Montana Real was brought into the world this week. Proud papa Rusty chose ESPN (pronounced Espen) after the sports network and Montana after football legend Joe Montana. “We were the talk of the hospital,” Rusty Real said. “The nurses kept asking my wife if she was really going to let her husband name him ESPN. She said, ‘Oh, yes.'”

This shouldn’t come as any surprise, and in fact, I’m not really sure why it’s news. There’s a bunch of kids out there named ESPN or Espen or some other permutation of that channel’s name. Why are we even focusing on this anymore? Hell, his entire name sounds like a new cable channel: ESPN Real. If I was a teacher, and I saw THIS name show up on my class roll, there’s no way I could call his name without straight-up laughing and humming the SportsCenter theme song. If it were me naming my kids after some channels, my picks would be a bit different. I’d have (first and middle names) History Alexander, Bravo Matthew, HGTV David, USA Allison, Fox Margaret, Cinemax Maxwell (Cinemaxwell, for short), and Comedy Central Rachel. And they could only talk to me during the time slot of my favorite show on their respective channel. Unless that show was on at the moment, in which case I’d hit the mute on their asses. Damn loud-ass kids.

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POST FALLS, Idaho – Now here is what happens when a really bad hair day gets out of control. Paul Peyton of Post Falls, Idaho stopped inches from the shop window of Fantastic Sam’s hair salon after being denied a refund because he didn’t like the haircut he received. Peyton told police he never meant to hurt anyone, he just wanted his money back. He claimed he was so flustered when he left and accidentally put the truck in the wrong gear, when he was backing up. However, the salon owner told the court a different story. She claimed Peyton was so upset with his haircut he followed her to her other shop and drove his pick up at its window. Peyton now faces up to five years in jail and a handsome fine after being found guilty of aggravated assault. He is awaiting sentence.

That must’ve been some doozy of a bad haircut. What, did he look like Drop Dead Fred or something? I’ve gotten my fair share of bad haircuts, but I never tried to drive my car through the barbershop afterwards. When I was a kid, I went to see Thad, my regular barber. Thad was good, but Thad had three major issues:

  1. Thad liked to watch the game while cutting your hair. Not in-between customers – I mean WHILE cutting your hair.
  2. Thad had a stutter so bad, it would often move out of his mouth and all the way down his arms to his hands, making him resemble Parkinson Lewis Can’t Lose.
  3. Thad got too close to you when he cut your hair, and it wasn’t unusual for you to end up with Thad’s junk pressed up against your shoulder.

One day I went in and asked him to give me a high top fade. Thad didn’t really know how to do high top fades. He was only good at giving a low ‘fro or a “natural”, and anything else was like speaking Gaelic to him. But Thad wasn’t about to let $5 walk out the door, either. So he sat me down on that rainy day, and proceeded to (1) watch the game, (2) stutter, (3) rub up against me, and (4) make my hair look like it was cut in a microwave by a drunken weasel with an electric carving knife. And he knew it was fucked up, ’cause he didn’t charge me afterward.
OK, back to THIS story. I don’t understand how the police can charge him with anything. What if he really DID just accidently back up instead of going forward? I mean, he didn’t hit anyone, he didn’t hit the store, and there’s no indication that he jumped out and said “That’ll show you” or any other stupid incriminating statement. This poor fool could end up getting 5 years in the joint just for getting a bad haircut. That shit ain’t right. I guess he’ll hit Supercuts next time, though. If they’re still open in 2011.

Peace.

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