My God, what a weekend! Let’s see if I can fly through this quickly and with lucidity.

  • I refereed yet ANOTHER soccer game on Saturday. This time, though, there was a casualty – me. As I was changing directions in the 3rd quarter (they play quarters at this level), I felt something pull in my right calf. I thought it was just a cramp, and I ain’t no punk, so I just kept on playing. Walking back to the house, though, it was hurting pretty good. I put some heat on it when I got home, and I rested until time to go to the gig. Oh, speaking of the game, the opposing coach that day was a total dick. He was screaming at his kids, like this was the World Cup or something. His team looked scared, and I felt bad for them. The parents were acting out too, and it wouldn’t’ve taken much for me to call the game because of that. But ANYWAY, I was alright the rest of the day, even through the show that night. I went to sleep at 4:30am with it throbbing. I woke up at 7:30am with it hurting like angry dwarves had stabbed me several times during the night. Thinking it was a charlie horse, I tried to walk it off, but it really wasn’t into exercise, and the pain didn’t go away. The calf was tender to the touch, not all hard and knotted like a charlie horse. So, ladies and gents, I do believe I pulled a muscle. Yay me. It still hurts today.
  • Ah, the show. People, let me tell you – my band fucking rocks. I’m not the type of guy who will tell you shit like that and not believe it. We’re good. We had an EXCELLENT show! We had fire-breathers (2 of ’em), a dance routine (featuring me and Jmart doing a hip-thrusting dance routine from “The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air”. I’m not kidding.), and a costume contest, and that was just while WE were on stage! The entire band was in costume. We even got interviewed by a television reporter outside! We got so much love that night…over 60 people came out to see us, and they all pressed against the stage (except when the fire-breathers were there, ’cause nobody wants to go home without eyebrows claiming a chick in a girl scout uniform singed ’em off by spitting fire outta her mouth). When we were done, they chanted our name. Let me tell you the definition of “pure performance joy”: it’s when you do something that people like so much, they say your name, over and over, and beg you to do more. That, friends, is intoxicating as hell. I’ll have some pictures of the night, including me in my costume AND pics of Jmart and I doing our mutual hip-thrust dance. Hopefully I’ll have those by the end of the week. The other bands said we’re the tightest group they’ve ever been around, and more than one was utterly surprised that we aren’t signed yet. All in due time. We don’t even like to think about that. We’re just trying to make the best music possible, for ourselves and for our fans. We’d be nowhere if the fans didn’t come out to support us.

OK, enough babbling. Let’s see how I did with the picks.

#9 Florida at Georgia, in Jacksonville
Yards Per Game: UGA 328.9, FLA 403.4
Points Per Game: UGA 26.3, FLA 27.3
Yards Allowed: UGA 281.9, FLA 273.9
Points Allowed: UGA 16.6, FLA 12

Prediction: 24-21 Florida
Outcome: 21-14 Florida

Show me love. Just show it to me – I can’t afford to keep it.

Damian: 1-0

#8 Tennessee at South Carolina
Yards Per Game: TENN 422, SC 359.4
Points Per Game: TENN 32.4, SC 22.7
Yards Allowed: TENN 293.9, SC 311.6
Points Allowed: TENN 18.4, SC 14

Prediction: 35-10 Tennessee (I Hate U of SC)
Outcome: 31-24 Tennessee

Apparently Tenn. had to stage a comeback to win this totally winnable game against inferior competition. Whatev – they won, and that’s good for me.

Damian: 2-0

#19 Oklahoma at #23 Missouri
Yards Per Game: OKLA 392.3, MIZZ 435.1
Points Per Game: OKLA 31.6, MIZZ 33.1
Yards Allowed: OKLA 287.4, MIZZ 307.3
Points Allowed: OKLA 15.9, MIZZ 14.6

Prediction: 24-17 Oklahoma
Outcome: 26-10 Oklahoma

I need to start betting the spread, since none of you will help a brotha out by betting YOUR money, and just kicking me 10% when you win. Bitches.

Damian: 3-0

#7 Auburn at Ole Miss
Yards Per Game: AUB 352.3, MISS 270.5
Points Per Game: AUB 27.3, MISS 13
Yards Allowed: AUB 302.3, MISS 382.4
Points Allowed: AUB 12.3, MISS 25.6

Prediction: 33-9 Auburn
Outcome: 23-17 Auburn

Or maybe not. This game was closer than that song by Nine Inch Nails (which my band covers at our shows. Holla.) Keep your money in your pocket, people.

Damian: 4-0

Miami at #21 Georgia Tech
Yards Per Game: MIA 358.7, GT 344.3
Points Per Game: MIA 23.4, GT 25.6
Yards Allowed: MIA 269.6, GT 304.1
Points Allowed: MIA 12.7, GT 18.3

Prediction: 20-17 Miami (Upset special!)
Outcome: 30-21 Georgia Tech

The only one upset is me. God, Miami sucks more this year than….nah, it’s too easy. I need to challenge myself more with my analogies.

Damian: 4-1

This week’s record of 4-1 brings my overall total to 25-5 on the season. I’m a weiner! I’m a real weiner! If I ever get some dough, it’s on like Donkey Kong, folks. And when I’m sipping chilled Tang out of crystal goblets at my mansion, I’ll remember you, and how you didn’t help a brotha out. That’s alright though, ’cause if you try to roll up on me, I’ll have some natives from South America stand guard with blowguns to take you out. You wanna fuck with a headhunting cannibal with a blowgun? I didn’t think so.