I don’t feel so good.

Do y’all ‘member how I was telling all y’all to make bets based on my picks, and that I’m a genius, and that you should call me Negrodamus, and send me money, and so forth and so on? Well, why don’t we just slow down my roll a tad, shall we? This weekend didn’t LOOK like it would be so tough, but I think I must’ve pulled something when I was doing my victory celebration last week. People, I’m hurting. I let my hubris get the best of me; I let my pride tell me I was King Mack Daddy Ace Pimp Kool Masta Fresh Lover Bad-Ass Home Slice DJ Sweetness Number One Chief Rocka. My prognosticative abilities have failed me, and I stand before you a humbled man, a man who now knows that pride goeth before the fall or whatever. I’m sorry if you bet money, using my picks. Uh, did you happen to see the note stating that management (me) is not responsible for any losses incurred due to wagers made based on the nonprofessional sports predictions made by this writer? No? Well, re-read that long sentence and remember that I DON’T owe you $250. Lozo. I’m not going to try to impress you with my mad skills anymore.

Although it’s hard to tell with the written word, my decision to NOT wow you with my predictive prognosticative prowess lasted just long enough to watch Peyton Manning throw a touchdown to Marvin Harrison, and watch the extra point kick. So that’s what, a minute and a half? I mean, they did have a penalty. I can’t help it. I had a bad week this week, but sometimes a lucky horseshoe can land on your rabbit’s foot, which crushes your four-leaf clover.

God, I’ve REALLY got to start taking my ADD meds on Sundays.

#13 LSU (6-2) at #8 Tennessee (7-1)
Yards Per Game: LSU 422.4, TENN 411.3
Points Per Game: LSU 35.9, TENN 32.3
Yards Allowed: LSU 221.1, TENN 307.8
Points Allowed: LSU 8.3, TENN 19.1

Prediction: 28-21 Tennessee
Outcome: 28-24 LSU

Loss #1. This was probably the best game of the day, with both teams going back and forth. I knew it was dangerous to try to pick this game, given that both schools are in the SEC, and both are ranked, but if I stick to your Akron vs. Ball State matchups, where’s the intrigue? Where’s the danger? Where’s the payoff if I’m right? And you know I would be. I was so hoping Tennessee would win this, if for no other reason than to piss off all those crazy-ass cajun LSU fans. They’re dangerous.

Damian: 0-1
#16 Boston College (7-1) at #22 Wake Forest (7-1)
Yards Per Game: BC 367.3, WAKE 311.6
Points Per Game: BC 27.4, WAKE 23.1
Yards Allowed: BC 336.3, WAKE 330.3
Points Allowed: BC 14.9, WAKE 15

Prediction: 24-20 BC
Outcome: 21-14 Wake Forest

Loss #2. I hate you both. I hate you, BC, because you beat us in double overtime by blocking an extra point. I hate Wake Forest because your Wake Forest, and that’s reason enough. You both suck, and I wish your game ended in a tie. But it didn’t. Wake had to go and make me look like a fool, something I need NO help with at all. Fine. Enjoy your little victory, Wake. Just remember – you were undefeated until you met us. Just like we were undefeated before we met BC. Meh. Nevermind.

Damian: 0-2
#18 Oklahoma (6-2) at #21 Texas A&M (8-1)
Yards Per Game: OKLA 389.1, TAMU 437.6
Points Per Game: OKLA 30.9, TAMU 33
Yards Allowed: OKLA 298.1, TAMU 325.3
Points Allowed: OKLA 15.1, TAMU 18.9

Prediction: 33-24 Oklahoma (Sorry, Metalchick. I don’t think TAMU can stop their new RB.)
Outcome: 17-16 Oklahoma

YAY! I got one! I got one! I – I mean, of course I got one. I’m me. But GOD, did it have to be so CLOSE? I love that it makes me look like a genius, but I much prefer a wider margin of victory. TAMU almost made me a liar. The NEXT time I pick you to win, Mobilehoma, you better do that shit with more enthusiasm. I know when you’re faking it. And I don’t appreciate that.

Damian: 1-2
Washington (4-5) at #24 Oregon (6-2)
Yards Per Game: WASH 369.7, ORE 470.9
Points Per Game: WASH 23.3, ORE 36.6
Yards Allowed: WASH 394.8, ORE 317.4
Points Allowed: WASH 25, ORE 23.9

Prediction: 42-14 Oregon
Outcome: 34-14 Oregon

Well. I got THIS one right. I even nailed the loser’s score, though I overestimated the Ducks’ final. Maybe they just got tired or something. Maybe they felt sorry for me, knowing that I suck more this week than hookers at a Hoover convention. Maybe they saw the Clemson game (below) and realized that I need a hug in the worst way. Whatever went down, I’m glad that at least ONE team had the balls to go out there and win a game in the way that I commanded them to. Thank you, Oregon Ducks. Your uniforms are uglier than sin on a Sunday, but your hearts are pure.

Damian: 2-2
Maryland (6-2) at #19 Clemson (7-2)
Yards Per Game: MD 310.5, CLEM 429.7
Points Per Game: MD 24.1, CLEM 38.3
Yards Allowed: MD 373.6, CLEM 257.7
Points Allowed: MD 22, CLEM 13.8

Prediction: 45-20 Clemson
Outcome: 13-12 Maryland

Don’t even get me started. I would rather get BLOWN OUT than to lose a game like this, on a last-second field goal to an INFERIOR team. Virginia Tech beat us at Virginia Tech? OK, I can eat that shit sandwich, because they are traditionally a good football team. And we DID play them in their home stadium. But THIS? This is unacceptable. Clemson just went from #10 to #19 to unranked, in a span of 3 short weeks. Goodbye, BCS bowl, hello beautiful Boise, Idaho in December! God. I can feel bile rising in my throat. At the cusp of greatness, we snatch defeat from the jaws of victory. Again. Gah! Someone give me something to drink. Not Tang though – it’s orange. I’ve had enough orange for today. *Sigh* Don’t walk away, Clemson. I didn’t mean it. You know I love you, baby. I’m just hurt and confused and I just can’t understand why you have to BE like this, almost every season. You’re so good, baby. Go out there and BE good! Don’t sink to the level of your competition like this. You are a star. Go shine!

Damian: 2-3

My first losing week. I don’t know what to say. 27-8 doesn’t suck, but damn – I was 25-5 just last week, and now my whole Negrodamus persona is crumbling faster than a gingerbread factory in Tikrit during an earthquake. (Tikrit is in Iraq. Learn your geography.) Hopefully next week I’ll return to my normal winner status, and leave the memory of this awful week in the dust.

Have a good week, citizens.