Well!

Now that I’ve completely screwed up my comments, it’s time to get crack-a-lackin’ on some tribes!

Word!

Let’s do this.
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(AP) MERRILLVILLE, Ind. – Instead of impressing “Honey Bunny” on Christmas morning with a 42-inch plasma television, “Big Papa” is facing a charge of theft. Richard Perez, 43, of Lake Station, was charged Monday with stealing the TV and a Sleep Number bedding system from a hotel where he worked as a security officer. Security video showed Perez walking into a room at the Radisson Hotel on Nov. 29 with an empty luggage cart, then leaving minutes later with a full cart covered with cloth, Merrillville police Detective Donald Toth said. Police said they searched Perez’s Lake Station home Friday and found the Sleep Number system installed on Perez’s bed and the TV underneath the tree, wrapped in green, Santa-themed paper. The attached card was addressed to “Mom, Honey Bunny from Big Papa, Daddy,” Toth said. “I’m not sure if he’s the Grinch or I’m the Grinch because I’m the one who took the items back,” Toth said. Perez, who has been fired from his hotel job, was released Monday after posting a $10,000 surety bond. The Associated Press left a message seeking comment Tuesday for an R. Perez in Lake Station.

Awww, isn’t that sweet? Big Papa wanted his Honey Bunny to have the best he could give her, not realizing that the best HE could give her was her keys back to the house. Stealing is bad. Stealing from your workplace is very bad. Stealing from your workplace in a manner so inept that the cops catch you in TWO DAYS is just stupid for stupidity’s sake. It’s obvious that Bill Gates here didn’t have the funds to buy these things, so what in the hell was he gonna say to HER, when she got the gifts? “Hey, baby, I…ugh…see, what had HAPPENED was, there was this truck, right? This Best Buy truck. And it was also carrying bed shit, for some weird reason. So, see, this truck, right? This truck, it hit this big fire hydrant, and it just tipped over, and a TV and a Sleep Number system fell out. But then the truck flipped BACK over, right, and the driver just kept on rollin’. I tried to flag him down, but he wasn’t lookin’, prolly ’cause was so scared, so instead of letting these things go to waste, I thought you might like ’em. See, I was thinking about YOU.” Now he’s thinking about keeping his chimney closed at night, if you catch my drift. And you do.

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(Des Moines Register) A Des Moines man has been arrested and charged with assault for allegedly attacking a roommate with a hamster ball. Police were sent to 6500 S.W. Ninth St., about 5 a.m., today. When they arrived they found a shaken Kaleb Johnson, 20, in the hallway of the apartment building still talking on a phone to dispatchers. He told officers he was sleeping when his roommate attacked him. He said he tried to run but the roommate grabbed a hamster ball and hit him in the head with it. The roommate then took a curtain rod and hit him with it, then bit Johnson on the arm, leaving teeth marks. Johnson said he finally got away and called 911 Police arrested Chaz Adrian Denham, 19, on a charge of domestic assault with injury. He was taken to the Polk County Jail. Investigators took photographs of the injuries and a damaged curtain rod.

You know…I don’t think I’d mention that I got beat down with a hamster ball. I’d keep the part about the biting, and there’s no shame in getting smacked with a curtain rod – they make GREAT blunt instruments – but the hamster ball segment would be utterly missing, were it me. I’d make up anything. I’d say the fool hit me with a ball of ice. I’d say he cut off his on hand, hit me with the nub, then grew his hand back like a fucking lizard. I’d say he raised his hands and summoned down a meteorite, which he then ate after it cold-cocked me. I don’t care HOW bad the injuries are; when you’re a 20 year old man, and you’ve been hit with a rodent’s exercise equipment, your boys are gonna clown you. Hard. “Damn, Kaleb, you OK? I mean, those hamsters can run pretty fast, huh? Guess you should be glad he didn’t hit you in the ass with the ball, or we’d NEVER find little Skippy. Hey, I’ve got a gerbil and a tiny unicycle. Wanna get revenge?” Damn all that. I’d say it was bowling ball.

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The possibility that a potential Democratic presidential primary matchup between Sens. Hillary Rodham Clinton and Barack Obama could lead to a Clinton-Obama ticket is raising concerns in GOP circles that it might be unbeatable. While Democratic strategists are more skeptical of the success of a ticket composed of two minorities, some Republican advisers to the White House and leading 2008 hopefuls Sen. John McCain and Rudy Giuliani see the ticket as an easy winner built on the enthusiasm it would generate in Democratic circles. Their theory is that Clinton would stand a good chance to pick up the states that Sen. John Kerry won in 2004. While not enough to win the election on her own, the addition of Obama would help push closely divided states like Ohio over into the Democratic column, thereby giving the Clinton-Obama ticket the White House. “Listen, we’ve got some lackluster people running on our side, and that is exactly the kind of ticket that would get their side in a fever pitch,” said a Bush ally. Democrats aren’t so sure it would work, though, because of Clinton’s high negatives and Obama’s short résumé and race. But the Bush adviser said those factors are actually winners: Obama could help soften Clinton’s image and bring more African-American voters to the ticket as well as independents seeking real and symbolic change.
Oooooo-OOOOO! Whoa…I think I just orgasmed. I’m sorry about that. I really should try to be more professional. What I mean to say is, “OHLORDHAVEMERCYHALLELEUJAHYESYESYES!” Or something similar. I don’t usually get political here, but man…a female president, and a black VP? Conservative Christians would spontaneously combust. The GOP would be smacking their prostitutes all day long. The Right would pop Oxycontin like Pez. Ann Coulter would shed her fake, human-like skin and expose her true, praying mantis body, and begin attacking Democrats and eating their heads. All while dropping copies of her book on the fleeing masses. It’s time for a change, folks. This would qualify. I’m not sure if they could fix what’s broken, but it’s for DAMN sure that they’d at least come at it from a different angle than the current administration. Our entire governmental system needs a major overhaul. It’s not right that you pretty much have to be rich in order to run for president. The overwhelming majority of today’s candidates were already wealthy before considering the presidency, which takes them completely beyond the realm of understanding the plight of the common man. What would GWB know about wondering where your next meal is coming from, or how you’re gonna make your mortgage payment? He’s been wealthy his entire life. Here are my points:

  • The president should be smart, motivational, strong, funny (yes, funny.), quick-thinking, wise, honest (to a point), and able to listen to those who may know more than he/she. They should NOT be rich.
  • In fact, the presidency should be the highest-paying job that person has ever had. When they get elected, I want them to say “HOLY SHIT, that’s my SALARY?”
  • And I want them to have to pay for everything too, just like a real person. You think they’d care more about the economy if they had to reach into their pocket to put gas in Air Force One? Hells to the yeah. Make them accountable, at a personal level.
  • The president should be forced to re-take the SATs at some point during the race. Anything less than a 1300, you’re out. Sorry.
  • Campaign budgets should be equal, and capped at $1 million. Period. You don’t need $100 million to tell me what you’re all about. Take out an ad in the USA Today.
  • And no mug-slinging. At all. Get elected on your OWN merit, not on what the other person did/said/didn’t do/didn’t say. If I’m up for a position here at work, I don’t get to say “Susie has a drug habit, and she deep-throated her high school swim team.” Neither should candidates.
  • Candidates should be made to name at least 3 comedies and 3 dramas currently on TV. It shows they’re connected to the real world, and not the 1954 world in their head.
  • Candidates should never be allowed to bring up religion as a point of differentiation during the campaign. No one cares. You are what you are. Enjoy it. We’ll all meet up in Heaven and have a good laugh about the different paths we took to get there.
  • The president must learn to play a musical instrument, if he/she doesn’t already know how. And if they do know how, they have to have a recital within 90 days of taking office.
  • Unless convicted of a felony, a candidate’s past or present life outside of politics should be off-limits. I don’t care who they’re fucking, or what school they went to, or if they inhaled, or what they did in the past. That’s why we’ll re-take the SAT.
  • Just like the NFL, at least ONE minority should be considered during every race. Even if they don’t have a snowball’s chance in Yuma of winning, put a different face up there. All these white guys in suits look alike. Hell, throw Flava Flav up in there.
  • Any president, male or female, should have one person on their staff whose primary job is to suck/lick them when they’re stressed. The prez should be able to say “Send Margaret in here, and cancel my 3:30.”, and immediately get some relief before going back to running Earth. This job should be a paid internship, with benefits and recommendations after the job is over. And it should be advertised on Craigslist.

 

I’m sure I could think of more, but that’s plenty for now. All hail.

Peace.

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