Straight to it today, mi gente. I got no time to waste, and a new blog to work on. Enjoy!

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PHOENIX – A 29-year-old convicted sex offender from Oklahoma apparently conned two Arizona men into believing he was a 12-year-old boy, then moved into their home and had an ongoing sexual relationship, sheriff’s officials in Yavapai County said Friday. The ruse was discovered Wednesday after one of the men tried to enroll the fake 12-year-old in a charter school in Chino Valley, about 90 miles northwest of Phoenix, using the name Casey Price. School officials became suspicious and called deputies, telling them the guardianship papers and birth certificate presented by a man who said he was the 12-year-old’s grandfather appeared fake and that “Price” looked much older than 12, said Susan Quayle, a spokeswoman for the Yavapai County Sheriff’s Office. “They were very upset when the detectives told them they had been having a sexual relationship with a 29-year-old man and not a preteen boy,” Ms. Quayle said, referring to the two men. Sheriff’s detectives investigating the case learned that the “grandfather” was Lonnie Stiffler, 61, who lived in Chino Valley with Robert James Snow, 43, a sex offender who failed to register with authorities, and the man claiming to be 12. Deputies served a search warrant at the home Thursday and found Mr. Stiffler, Mr. Snow, Brian J. Nellis, 34, and the phony preteen boy, who turned out to be Neil Havens Rodreick II, 29. Oklahoma Department of Corrections online records show that Mr. Rodreick was convicted in 1996 of a lewd and indecent proposal to a minor and served time in prison from 1996 to 2002. The records show that Mr. Nellis was convicted in 1997 of lewd molestation and was imprisoned from
1997 to 2000. According to detectives, Mr. Stiffler and Mr. Snow said they met Mr. Rodreick through an Internet chat about two years ago, Ms. Quayle said, and they began trading sexually explicit photos. He convinced them he was “Casey Price” and was only 12, the men said. Mr. Stiffler and Mr. Snow went to Oklahoma and met Mr. Rodreick at a hotel, then brought him back to live with them in Arizona and began a sexual relationship, Ms. Quayle said. Mr. Rodreick apparently shaved his body hair and used makeup to keep up his guise, Ms. Quayle said. He also dressed as a juvenile and tried to act and talk like a preteen. “He looks young; I would not have guessed that he’s almost 30,” Ms. Quayle said, but added that he certainly looked much older than 12. When detectives unraveled the case and told Mr. Stiffler and Mr. Snow that “Price” was named Rodreick and was, in fact, 29, Ms. Quayle said, they expressed dismay and anger that they had been “conned.” Mr. Nellis was apparently Mr. Rodreick’s cellmate in an Oklahoma prison, Ms. Quayle said. Detectives have evidence that Mr. Stiffler and Mr. Snow enrolled Mr. Rodreick in other Arizona schools, possibly in Payson, El Mirage and Prescott Valley. “I think what we’re looking at is that he’s being used to troll for other kids,” Ms. Quayle said. All but Mr. Stiffler are being held in lieu of $50,000 bond each on a charge of failing to register as a sex offender. Mr. Stiffler was booked on two counts of forgery and one count of hindering prosecution and ordered held in lieu of a $100,000 cash bond. “We can’t charge them with child molesting because he [Mr. Rodreick] was not a child,” Ms. Quayle said. “This is the weirdest case I’ve seen in 18 years,” Ms. Quayle said. “Even the detectives said it was the weirdest. If it wasn’t so sad, it would be funny.”

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA!

(breathe)

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!

Mr. Stiffler. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! OK, OK. I’m OK now. WHEW! This story technically isn’t funny at all – these two scumbags had every intent to keep a 12 year old captive as their sexual slave, and wanted to use him to lure other kids to them. But my GOD – how do you mistake a 29 year old man for a 12 year old boy? Granted, they said he looked young or whatever, and shaves his body hair, but still. Wouldn’t the extra beard hairs in the Norelco be a clue? Or the Maybelline makeup on the sink? (Maybe he’s born with it. MAYBE IT’s MAYBENOT!) It’s sick shit, and they need to be put UNDER the jail. But the law’s right…technically (there’s that word again), they aren’t pedophiles. The guy was a grown-ass man. But here’s the rub, folks: if I buy a bag of oregano from a cop, thinking it was pot, I’d still get arrested because I INTENDED to buy pot, regardless of the fact that I actually got a delicious spice instead. Then again, if a COP poses as a 12 year old and a sick-ass child molesting motherfucker comes along and tries to scoop ’em up, they get arrested, so maybe it’s only when the police initiates it. Either way, they need to be released into general population as soon as they get to jail, with big signs around their necks that say “He was 29, but I thought he was 12”. Now, the other side of this equation is this even SICKER 29 year old man who pretended to be fucking TWELVE, down to shaving, wearing some age-defying makeup (probably Oil of Olay, since they make good shit), and dressing the part. This man needs some serious help. If you’re gay, that’s fine. Each person lives his/her life in the manner they see fit. But couldn’t he get a date? Couldn’t he find that special someone who knew he was a grown-ass man, but let him play Dress Up every so often? What type of psychological damage must a person have to WANT to act like not just a 12 year old, but a 12 year old who enjoys sex with OLD MEN? Sick bastards, all of ’em. I hope they all get the gout.

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TALLAHASSEE, Fla.– A hunter’s wife got a huge surprise in Tallahassee, Fla., when the duck killed” by her husband two days earlier raised its head and looked at her. The duck had been in the woman’s refrigerator for two days, Noni Beck of the Goose Creek Wildlife Sanctuary told the Tallahassee (Fla.) Democrat. “It’s just kind of freaky,” Beck said. Laina Whipple of the receptionist at the Killearn Animal Hospital said the hunter’s daughter brought the 1-pound, dark-brown female duck in Tuesday. The man’s wife “was going to check on the refrigerator because it hadn’t been working right,” Whipple said, “and when she opened the door, it looked up at her. “She freaked out and told the daughter to take it to the hospital right then and there.” The duck — shot in the wing and leg — has a 75 percent chance of surviving, a doctor at the sanctuary said.

See this? This right here is why I don’t hunt. And I’ll tell you this much – if some wild animal I thought was dead looked up at ME, I’m a vegetarian, right there. On. The. Spot. I bet she left out the best part of the story, when she took the duck to the animal hospital: the conversation. Oh yes. I’m doing it.

Lady: “Damn fridge never works. I swear to Go-“
Duck: “*ahem*”
Lady: “…”
Duck: “I said *AHEM*! Do you not SEE me up in here, heffa?”
Lady: “I… I… I…”
Duck: “Well, I didn’t know you had THREE of ’em, but you humans never cease to amaze me, you dumb bastards. Where’s that punk who popped a cap in me?”
Lady: “Oh Jesus. Oh sweet baby Jesus. He’s at work.”
Duck: “Well, we wouldn’t wanna disturb him while he’s emptying those trash cans, now would we?”
Lady: “You…you’re supposed to be dead.”
Duck: “And you’re supposed to be pretty, so I guess we both lose.”
Lady: “How are you ALIVE?”
Duck: “Same as you – luck. You were supposed to be a stain on a sheet at a Days Inn in Savannah.”
Lady: “You are awful! Get out of my fridge!”
Duck: “Tell you what – take me to the hospital, and I won’t tell Bubba about the ‘special’ brownies down in the corner there.”
Lady: “…Deal.”

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HILTON ISLAND, S.C. A man was charged with public disorderly conduct in Hilton Island, S.C. after being observed “in a physical confrontation with shrubs” by a deputy. The Beaufort County Detention Center’s online log said the 23-year-old man, whose name was not released, smelled of alcohol and was taken to the detention center to await prosecution, the Hilton Head Island Packet reported. The deputy that took the man in said he was responding to a complaint the man had attempted to get into someone else’s car. When the deputy arrived on the scene the man allegedly had moved on to beating the vegetation. The police report said the man ran across the street to get in one last kick on a bush before talking to police.

Guess he wasn’t beating around the bush. Or maybe he was! I’m sorry, I HAD to make that joke. Union rules. What the hell did that bush do to him? Did he think it was George W. Bush? I think I might condone his actions if that’s the case. His thought process must be a lot like mine: “Damn, my keys don’t work. Fuckin’ keys. Wait, I like keys. I really like Alicia Keys. She’s hot. Hot like FIIIIIIIIIIIRE! BOW BOW BOW! I love that song. ‘Osmosis Jones’, bitch! HAHAHAHA! Hmm, who sang backup on that Prince song, “My Computer?” Ohhhhh yeah, Kate Bush. Yeah. Bush. I really hate Bush. There he is now, the fucker. DON’T YOU RUN FROM ME, PRESIDENT FOLIAGE!!!!” And when you go to the lockup after attacking shrubbery, you can’t tell that to the dudes in there for assault and battery, oh no. You have to say this: “Yeah, I fucked bush UP tonight, man.” When he sobered up, and the cops told him why he was in there, do you think they even bothered to stifle their laughter? You’d think the police in Hilton Head would have better things to do, like make all the black people leave the island.

Peace.

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