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Someone tell me why I waited nearly five months to watch the show “Heroes”. Someone HAS to tell me, ’cause I don’t know. This show kicks my ass. But for whatever reason, I allowed the show to backlog in my DVR all this time, choosing the likes of “Jericho” and “24” and “Everybody Hates Chris” to watch instead. I dodged conversations about the show like Neo from “The Matrix”, even going so far as to run and hide from hallway conversations about the show, and avoiding online message boards and reviews and episode synopses like Lance Bass avoids vagina. And it worked – I successfully lived in a “Heroes”-free blackout.

Until the DVR box started fucking up.

Have any of you ever suffered from Bad Box? I bet some of you have.

Bad Box is when your beloved and revered DVR (or TiVO) set top box starts acting real funny. It’s especially bad when that box is also your cable box. A couple of weeks ago, the box start moving slowly when I tried to access the online guide or play taped shows (yes, I still call it “taping”, because I’m old-school like that. I also watch “Krush Groove”). That’s annoying as hell, but it’s tolerable. Over the weekend, though, it did the unthinkable: the online guide wouldn’t show me what was on, or what was coming on, for any channels. All it says now is “Information unavailable.” Y’all, this is unacceptable. How am I supposed to know when “FutureWeapons” or “Law & Order: Criminal Intent” or “CSI” or “The Dresden Files” is coming on? Telepathy? This has to be fixed, post haste. However, in the past, whenever a box goes bad, the cable or satellite company wants you to send them the box to either fix or replace. And if you happen to have shows and movies saved on the hard drive, just kiss ’em all goodbye, just like we had to kiss the entire season of “Firefly” goodbye the LAST time this happened. I’m still bitter about that. So THIS time, we want to make sure we clear out all the shows we have on there before we send the box off into the Great Beyond.

We had every episode of “Heroes” taped, thinking we’d watch them sometime before Barrack Obama becomes president. Now, though, we had to put a rush on things so I can know when “Men In Trees” is on so I can avoid it. So on Saturday and Sunday, we sat down on the couch and the loveseat, shushed the kids with Playstation 2 and Oreos (which is kinda funny, if you think about it, given that our kids are mixed or biracial or interracial or whatever you wanna call it), and started watching this show with all the hype. We did this for many, many hours. Sometimes we peed. But we watched it all, from the first episode to the last. And upon finishing this arduous task, may I just say this:

Oh. My. Shit.

This show kicks my monkey ass.

There’s so much here! Plots, subplots, bad-ass super powers, a BUTTLOAD of interracial relationships…oh yes. There’s Niki and DL, Simone and Peter, Simone and Isaac, Simone and just about any man onscreen with her at the moment, Hiro and Charlie (till her head got cut off)…I am digging the diversity. And the show plays out so much like a comic book, my secret passion. I was sitting there, forecasting things that would happen later because in comics, that’s how it would go – and I was right. Ordinarily this would piss me off, because I want my movies and shows to challenge me and to make me actually think, but I’ll accept it in this case because of the whole “super powers” thing. Couple that with a woman who is sometimes bad (Niki/Jessica), a guy who might be bad (The Haitian), a guy we think is bad (Mr. Bennet), and a guy we KNOW is bad (Mr. Linderman), and you have the makings of some prime rib, grade A television programming experience. God, it’s great. I’m sitting here now, predicting the new characters they’ll introduce, based solely on comic book powers:

  • Someone who can control/create the weather
  • Someone with an animalistic mutation (wings, claws, horns…something)
  • Someone who can move at super-speed
  • Someone who can shrink and/or grow
  • Someone who can breathe underwater
  • Someone who can alter gravity, or control it (Nathan kinda does this, but only to fly, so far)
  • Someone who can alter reality itself (maybe Hiro, with his abilities)
  • Someone who can stretch
  • Someone who can create illusions

I could go on and on. I’m seriously geeking out over this damn show, and I’m pissed off at myself for waiting so long to watch it. A bunch of people kept telling me to check it out, the loudest being Laurie (as she’s almost always the loudest, no matter WHAT she’s saying), but I just put it off and put it off. Well, now it’s on. And I’m fully on board.

I want to be on this show. I only want one power: the ability to remotely bitch-slap stupid people. I’ll need a special “stupid sense”, like Spider-Man’s spider-sense, and I’ll need a backhand galvanized in steel. I’ll also need to be able to reach across time and space in order to administer my backhand, and perhaps the ability to speak to them, even if only to say “Shut up, dumbass.” I would rule.

We also have 15 episodes of “Nip/Tuck” to watch. Nobody better tell me SHIT about what happened this season!