Happy Valentine’s Day, everyone! I hope all of you with SO’s are treated to a nice time. And those of you without SOs, well, pot pies are on sale at Albertson’s. Heat up and eat up.

It seems like it’s been forever since I diatribed, and I gotta say, I really missed it. You see, stupid people didn’t stop doing stupid shit, just because ol’ Damian decided to go on a mini hiatus. Every day I would read Fark.com and either laugh or shake my head at what people do. It’s truly amazing, if you think about it, because somewhere along the way, nature has failed us. Do you think antelope on the Serengheti have this many stupid antelope in their pride or flock or gaggle or whatever antelope congregate in? Do you think two antelope are standing on the plain, eating grass, and saying “Yo, did you hear what Greg did yesterday? No? Oh man, get this: so, we’re crossing a stream, right? And everyone says ‘keep your eyes peeled for crocodiles. They’re on the prowl.’ So Greg is prancing across, spots a croc just chillin’ in the sun, and says ‘Watch this, Jason’, and he tries to run PAST the crocodile! Muhfucka didn’t even move his tail. Just grabbed Greg outta midair like he was Bud Light at a football game. You know, Darwin wrote his theory about THAT guy.”

I bet they don’t.

Foreplay’s over. Let’s clap off the lights, turn on some Alexander O’Neal, and diatribe between the sheets. Aw, sooky sooky.

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BOSTON – A bookkeeper pleaded guilty Monday to embezzling $6.9 million to pay for such things as a ranch in Vermont, a life-size statue of Al Capone and a private performance by singer Burt Bacharach, federal authorities said. Angela Buckborough Platt, 43, pocketed the money over six years while an accountant for J & J Materials Corp. in Rehobeth, Mass., federal prosecutors said. She was charged with one count of interstate transportation of stolen property. Under the plea deal, Platt, formerly of Cumberland, R.I., and now of Wyoming, Pa., must pay back all of the money, and prosecutors will recommend a prison sentence of at least four years and seven months. The charge carries a maximum of 10 years in prison and $250,000 fine. Prosecutors said Platt — who made $40,000 a year — wrote checks from company accounts to herself and eventually began writing checks for nearly $50,000. Her theft was discovered in June by another bookkeeper. Platt’s purchases included six talking trees modeled after the “Wizard of Oz” characters; a 20-foot-tall smoke-breathing dragon; a four-bedroom house in Rhode Island; more than 35 vehicles; and a replica of a Ford Model T customized to look like a green goblin.

I’ve never embezzled any money. Hell, I’ve never worked anywhere or been put in a position where I COULD embezzle. By the way, when black people embezzle, it’s just called “stealing”. But if I DID decide one day to walk down that dark path, there are a few things I’d do differently than Ms. Platt. Firstly, I would provide a damn-good cover story for how and why I was suddenly able to buy 35 cars. I’d say I won them, or they “fell off a truck” or something. I wouldn’t leave that question open, ’cause people know if you only make 40K. Especially when you start buying lifesize Capone statues, which brings me to Point #2. If I stole some cash, I’d display MUCH more style and taste than she did. Six talking trees modeled after the “Wizard of Oz” characters? A 20-foot-tall smoke-breathing dragon? Burt Bacharach? BURT BACHARACH? Is he even ALIVE? She had 6.9 milly to burn, and she wastes money on someone who sang love songs to pteradactyls? This is reason enough to throw her silly ass in jail. Don’t even get me started on the green goblin Ford Model T. If you make 40K, you can’t get a Model T. There’s even a math equation for it, called Hammer’s Law, named after M.C. Hammer:

40K ≠ Model T

And also:

M.C. Hammer ≠ Good accounting

Hammer was bad with money.

People, listen up. If you steal money, please be discreet. Stash your cash in the Caymans or in Switzerland. Spend very little, and certainly don’t spend it locally. Come up with a mysterious hereditary tropical contagious illness that forces you to retire early. Move to Aruba and spend money like your name is Federal K. Government. The K is for “kriminal”.

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JACKSONVILLE BEACH, Fla., Feb. 13 During a routine arrest of two suspected burglars in Florida, police were shocked to discover a stolen automated teller machine in the back of the duo’s car. When Jacksonville Beach police arrested John Kiedroski and Damien Shain Lee Saturday, they found very damaging evidence in the suspected burglars’ car in the form of a stolen ATM, the Florida Times-Union reported. Several Florida police departments had been working together to keep the suspects under surveillance and the two were arrested after allegedly robbing a Jacksonville Beach store. It was then that police followed them to a home in nearby Atlantic Beach and located the store’s ATM in the suspects’ car. The paper said as the men remain in custody, police are attempting to determine what other stolen items may be present at their home.

I realize that being a police officer is often a hard, demanding, and sometimes unrewarding job. But every now and then, you MUST see something that just makes you laugh out loud. Talk about incriminating evidence. Seems like if you stole an ATM machine, you’d maybe try to get rid of it, or stash it somewhere, like those two dudes in “Barbershop” did. I think it was “Barbershop”. Hell if I know. But to tote it around in the back of your Suburu like it’s a third passenger is completely asinine. Just take your ATM to the nearest Andy Dick School of Social Ettiquette and Manliness, ’cause you KNOW that place would be deserted. At 10am. On a Tuesday. When you get there, take your time and crack that baby open lovingly, with the care and caution reserved for deflowering a virgin. Then take a cash bath on the floor. Do NOT drive it around town like you’re Morgan Freeman, and the ATM is Miss Daisy! What could they even say when they got caught with it?

Officer: “John, Damien, step on out of the car.”
John: “Um…ok. But our, um, friend is asleep in the backseat. Right, Damien? Our FRIEND?”
Damien: “Do what, now? OH! OH! Yeah. Friend. Yeah, he had a lot to drink, and he was driving, so he decided to-”
John (in a hard whisper): “Shut up, dumbass! The cop will give him a breathalyzer if you say he was drinking and driving!”

Mad geniuses, both of ’em.

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A Danbury man’s plans to bail himself out after a drug bust went more than a bit awry over the weekend. State police said that a small safe that Nakia Davis, 32, had his aunt bring in to the Southbury barracks not only contained $5,000 in cash for bail, but also drug paraphernalia and 16 grams of cocaine, leading to more charges. Davis had been pulled over for speeding on Interstate 84 in Southbury. With the help of a police dog, marijuana was seized from the car, and police found 43 baggies of cocaine weighing 48 grams when they patted Davis down, police said. Davis arranged for his aunt to bring a small safe which Davis claimed contained money for his bail. State police said when Davis’ aunt opened the safe in front of a state police trooper, inside was the cash, but also drug paraphernalia and 16 grams of cocaine. Additional drug charges were filed against Davis and his bond was increased to $125,000. He was later bailed out by another relative. Davis was charged with possession of narcotics with intent to sell, possession of drug paraphernalia, possession of cocaine, possession of marijuana and speeding.

I’m not even going to comment on this story. Let’s all just take a moment to allow this thing to soak it.

That’s it. Soak it in. Feel the intrinsic stupidity.

There. Now, the next time you encounter something as dumb as this, you can come back to this happy place, and understand its true meaning. Thank you, and have a wonderful day.

Peace.

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