My kids make me laugh.

On Sunday, I was playing with them using a sock puppet, while they were chillin’ on the top bunk of their bunk beds. My puppet, Mr. Greeney, was a huge hit with them, as he tried to eat their toes and bite their noses and discuss the finer points of “Avatar: The Last Airbender”. At one point, 4YO was huddled as far away as humanly possible in the back corner of the bed in an attempt to avoid Mr. Greeney’s (un)wanted advances. In between squeals, he said “Why are you eating my toes, Mr. Greeney?” Mr. Greeney said “I don’t know, 4YO! I love toes! I’m just CRAZY for toes!” My 4YO looked at that sock puppet, all laughter gone, and said with the straightest 4 year old face ever: “Well, if you go crazy, some people will still call you Superman.”

Are you familiar with the rock band 3 Doors Down? Have you heard their first hit song, “Kryptonite”? If not, the lyrics in the chorus are “If I go crazy then will you still call me Superman?” My child had heard that song on Kid’s Bop (which is created, written, recorded, produced, distributed, and sold by the devil himself), and was trying to comfort dear Mr. Greeney. Let’s just say Mr. Greeney had to take a little break while Daddy ran from the room, laughing his ass off.

Gotta love the kiddos.

Let’s diatribe.


A rookie Anne Arundel County police officer has been charged with taking a cell phone picture of himself groping a teenager during a traffic stop, after threatening to jail her for drunken driving if she didn’t cooperate. Officer Joseph F. Mosmiller, 22, is accused of telling the 18-year-old and her female passenger to lift their shirts in the parking lot of a Pasadena church just before midnight Jan. 20, according to documents filed Tuesday in District Court. When the friend refused, the documents say, Mosmiller took the photo and then let the women go. He was charged Monday with fourth-degree sex offense, second-degree assault and two other misdemeanors. The allegations against Mosmiller join a string of suspected police misconduct cases in the Baltimore area. Four city officers were charged last year with rape in three separate incidents. Charges against two of those officers, accused of standing by while a third raped a woman at a police station, were dropped last month. The third officer was acquitted of a rape charge in that case last month but will stand trial on another. A fourth officer, who allegedly had sex with a 16-year-old girl at the same station house, is scheduled to go on trial in March.

Um, I don’t know what course these guys are taking in the Maryland Police Academy, but they’re either failing miserably, or passing with flying colors. Their “Law Enforcement Ethics” instructor is seeing if his head will fit into his gas oven, but their “How To Be A Dick With A Badge And A Gun” instructor is smacking his female grad assistant on the ass right now, giddy over the news. There’s just so much wrong here. I understand that the age difference between the cop and the victim isn’t so large that it’s creepy, in and of itself, but Jesus, he’s an adult! Forget the cop part for a sex – oops, I meant “sec” – this was a grown-ass man asking a barely legal adult to expose herself to him. Oh, and her little friend, too. Add in the fact that it was in the middle of the night, and you can truly feel the fear the women must’ve felt. The fact that he’s an officer of the law is the sour icing on this demented cupcake. Regardless of age, this man already had them in a weak and powerless position, and he exploited that to his own sick means. This shit right here is why people fear and distrust the police. The vast majority of cops are honest, law-abiding, diligent workers who do their damnedest to protect all of us, but it only takes a small fraction to spread the perception that they’re all corrupt. I’d like to think that I’d be all bad-ass if a cop tried to pull some dumb shit like that on my ass, but I know what’s up. Cop + gun + corruption = Damian following instructions to the letter. Sounds like they need to move that whole police station to Iran and tell the Ayatollah that they like porn and pork, and that they called the Ayatollah’s mama a bitch. That’ll straighten ’em out.


ANDALUSIA, Ala. — Police said a grenade found in the Burger King in Andalusia caused some tense moments yesterday. Andalusia Police Chief Wilbur Williams said an employee at the fast food restaurant found the grenade and gave it to a manager who called police. The building was evacuated and the grenade was taken to an empty field so a military expert could examine it. The grenade turned out to be inert. Williams said officers are trying to determine who brought the grenade into the restaurant. He said grenades are widely available at gun shows. Since no threats were made, it is unlikely charges will be filed.

Holy hell. I guess whoever did it didn’t have it their way after all. I’d like to give the Congressional Medal of Honor And Stupidity in the Line Of Fry Duty to the employee who GAVE the grenade to his manager. Gave. “Gave” implies he picked it up or in some other way handled the explosive device, and then offered it to another person. Gave. Um….Hector? You don’t “give” someone a grenade. You can see the grenade, and you can flee the grenade, but never gift it to another.

Jimmy: “Man…I dunno why Chad always gotta be doggin’ me’s not like I come to work high. Every day. (spots a gray pineapple on the floor) Heeeeeeeeey, when we started serving pineapples? I love pineapples! Lemme take it to Chad and see what’s the deelio. CHAD! Here, man! Here! I totally found this on the floor, and picked it up. Employee of the Week!”
Chad (backing away): “…You may be, quite possibly, the single most intellectually challenged, dumb as fuck, common sense deprived, devoid of cognitive thought, functionally retarded, hindered by life and genetics, destined for failure, backwards, inbred, MENSA-allergic human being who has ever walked the face of our Mother Earth. Hoe Lee Shit.”
Jimmy: “Thanks, man. So, you want me to cut it open now, or wait till the rest of the crew rolls up?”
Chad: “Your father should’ve pulled out.”


SALEM, Ore. — Two days after electronic locator units helped rescuers locate three missing climbers on Mount Hood, veteran mountaineers pleaded with state lawmakers not to require them to carry the devices every time they head for the summit. Some warned Tuesday that requiring locators would foster passivity among climbers who get into trouble and activate the beacons. They will wait for a rescue, and not do enough to rescue themselves,” said Leslie Brown, a spokeswoman for Access Fund, a national mountaineering group. Another said nothing can replace basic common sense when it comes to keeping people safe, and requiring electronic beacons would not be a “panacea.” “Pulling the cord (on a locator unit) doesn’t turn the sky black with helicopters coming to pick you up,” said Scott Russell, a veteran of numerous search-and-rescue operations. “Self-reliance and knowledge are what’s going to keep you alive on the mountain.” Those arguments came as a House panel opened hearings on a bill to require that climbers who intend to go above 10,000 feet on Mount Hood from November through March carry locators that send signals to help searchers find them if they run into trouble.

Lemme see if I got this straight: Oregon state lawmakers want to introduce a bill to require the insane people who climb tall snowy mountains in winter to wear electronic devices that would make finding their frozen carcasses easier, and thus safer for the people then assigned to find those carcasses, and the very people who would be protected by these locators are protesting them because it would “foster passivity”? Correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t 3 people JUST die up there on Mt. Hood, most likely because rescuers COULDN’T FIND THEM? Look, I’m certainly of the opinion that if your life is so lacking excitement and adventure that you have to climb a mountain to get off, then you should be on your own, but the bottom line is that even if you’re willing to take your own life into your hands and cast your fate with the mountain, your relatives and loved ones may not be so avant garde about your safety. They may want to find you if you don’t come down off that mountain, and finding your dumb, numb ass requires volunteers, helicopter pilots, emergency rescue personnel, dogs, coordinators, communication specialists, expert mountain climbers, and various other personnel who would probably rather be doing something other than risking THEIR lives to go save YOURS, all because you didn’t wanna punk out and wear a damn locator. I tell you what, climbers – let’s take it to the next level. You don’t want to wear the locators that could potentially save your life and the lives of others? Fine. Don’t wear it. But when you climb that mountain, be sure to stop by the hospitality desk and sign the waiver that states “I hereby waive my rights to all rescue attempts for my dumb ass, should I encounter hazards on this climb, because I’m too proud/too cocky/too self-reliant/too cool to wear a simple electronic device that would pinpoint my location to anyone attempting to rescue me, thus reducing their risk, the amount of manpower required, and minimizing the rescue time. I waive these rights because I am dumb. Whatever happens to me, it’s on me. And if someone DOES bother to come save me, I will be their indentured servant for as long a time as they see fit. The end.”