Holy hell, people.

“Busy” decided to drop in last week, unpack his bags, eat my groceries, run up my light bill, and make a permanent ass dent in my sofa cushions. It’s been ridiculous how crazy it’s been. Usually I can squeeze 10 minutes here or there at work to crank out a quality post or two, but Busy sits next to me at my desk, knocks over my pens, sneezes on my monitor, and tells my coworkers that I wear ladies’ underwear, which is really none of their business. So please, forgive a literate Negro for not ignoring my responsibilities. I’ll try to do better, I promise.

How ’bout a nice diatribe, to tide you over? Will that do?

Of course it will.

Let’s ‘tribe, baby. You know you want it.

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PUEBLO, Colorado (AP) — Three people were arrested on charges of swapping a 5-month-old boy for a down payment on a used Dodge Intrepid and cash, police said Tuesday. Nicole Uribe, 23, is accused of trading the baby to Jose-Juan Lerma, 47, and his wife, Irene, 27, in exchange for the down payment and an unspecified amount of cash. All were arrested on suspicion of felony trafficking in children and were being held at the Pueblo jail under $50,000 bail each. The baby was placed in a foster home, Police Sgt. Brett Wilson said. Wilson said he could not speculate on the motives for the alleged deal. He said police found the child and arrested Uribe within hours of getting a tip on Monday. The Lermas were arrested on Tuesday. Wilson said all three were Mexican nationals and federal officials had been asked to investigate their immigration status.

HDW, this is in your backyard again. What the fuck is going on in Denver? First, football players are dying right and left (and that’s no joking matter…it’s pretty sad), then the Nuggets are sucking more than a broke hooker at an Electrolux convention, and now people are selling their babies…for a DODGE INTREPID! Isn’t a baby at LEAST worth a new car? And if you do have to shop on a budget, is the Intrepid really the vehicle you want to use to display your awesome powers of haggling? “Yeah, they wanted me to give them the baby AND $1500, but I talked them down off THAT shit. I rock.” Good Christ, I’ve sometimes considered trading my hellbats in for something more worthwhile at that particular moment, like a Kit Kat or some wood screws or maybe a Greyhound ticket to Nogales, but I’ve always reconsidered… eventually… because they’re better off with me, and it’s against the law, and you can’t go buying and selling people. Our country tried that once before. Shit didn’t work out, you know? The thing I wanna know is, if the baby was the down payment, what was her monthly note gonna be? A puppy? I hope they all get deported. To Afghanistan.

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BELLEVILLE, Ill. – A woman whose 15-year-old son was killed in an alcohol-related wreck 18 months ago has been charged with providing beer to minors last week during a party at her house, authorities said Tuesday. Andrea Sharos, 37, and live-in acquaintance Brent Moist, 39, were arrested late Friday for contributing to the delinquency of minors after sheriff’s deputies saw three teens leave Sharos’ home near the tiny village of St. Libory, about 35 miles southeast of St. Louis, with beer and drive away. Deputies stopped the vehicle and found a 30-can case and 12-pack of beer between the occupants’ legs, authorities said. The three 19-year-olds — each ticketed for illegally transporting and consuming alcohol — said they had been drinking with other youths at the house with consent of adults there, authorities said. When confronted by deputies, Sharos and Moist admitted they had been drinking, said Lt. Steve Johnson, chief investigator of the St. Clair County Sheriff’s Department. Four other juveniles in the house — boys ages 16-18 — tested positive at the scene for alcohol use and were arrested. Five other juveniles who tested negative for alcohol were released to their parents.

This is the saddest case of bad irony I’ve ever heard of. Wouldn’t you think that if you tragically lost a child to an alcohol-related death, you might maybe wanna stay far, far away from anything alcohol-related in the future? Isn’t that akin to someone who had a loved one eaten by a tiger taking a class of kids to the zoo? Seriously, there’s some incredibly warped thinking going on here. What were two people in their late 30s doing hosting a party for teenagers anyway? I can’t judge that…who knows, maybe they were just being nice to the kids. Who knows. The point is, however, regardless of their motives, regardless of whatever good intentions they had, to supply underaged kids with alcohol is not only illegal, it’s deplorable behavior, given how their own son died. I’d suspect that perhaps there was an subconscious urge to inflict that pain onto someone else, because I can’t come up with anything else to explain this behavior. We’re not talking about 1 or 2 beers here, people – the car full of teens had a case of 30 cans, and another 12 pack too. This could’ve gotten them all injured, arrested (which it did), or even killed. These people need their asses beat with a rock in a Crown Royal bag.

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(The Boston Globe) A bloody feud in Boston College’s Vanderslice Hall that left one student hospitalized and another free on bail began with accusations that one of the women had sabotaged her dormitory mate’s laundry with bleach, court papers say. After the showdown in the laundry room on Feb. 19, the two continued their agitation, the documents say, and last Friday it turned violent when Brianna L. Jones, 19, allegedly stabbed Diana Mirambeaux-Saker, 19, twice in the chest with a pocket knife. The attack left the wall and floors of Vanderslice Hall, a center of student life at the Chestnut Hill campus of the Jesuit university, smeared with blood. Jones, a sophomore from Middletown, Conn., pleaded not guilty yesterday to two counts of aggravated assault with a dangerous weapon at her arraignment in Brighton District Court. Mirambeaux-Saker, a double major in theater and psychology, was recovering from a punctured lung at Beth Israel Deaconess Medical Center.

OK – does anyone else besides me see the irony in this poor woman getting stabbed in a place called VANDERSLICE HALL? Seriously, this is the name of the dorm? I guess it’s a good thing she didn’t live in Beretta Hall, in apartment M-16, huh? I’ve seen girlfights before, over dumb shit just like this, but I’m having a hard time understanding the escalation that took place here. Perhaps if I reconstructed the conversation…

Brianna: “DIANA! Don’t act like you don’t see me standing here. I wanna talk to you.”
Diana: “Bitch, I saw you. I just don’t like your skank ass.”
Brianna: “Whatever, ho. I know you put bleach in my shit, bitch!

Diana: “Yeah. And it made your whites whiter. It was an improvement, ’cause your shit? Dingy. Sweat is not a fabric softener.”
Brianna: “Your boyfriend didn’t seem to mind my sweat last night, heiffer.”
Diana: “I’m not surprised – he likes bacon, he likes ham, so more pork wouldn’t turn him off. I hope you emptied the drip pan afterwards, you cheap hooker.”
Brianna: “You’re getting cut.”
Diana: “Just like you did, from 4H. And they take EVERYONE! OOOH, THIS BITCH STABBED ME!!!”

Reasonable? I think so. Vanderslice Hall. I just can’t get over that.

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LAKEWOOD, Colo. — A series of unfortunate mistakes led to a house fire that left a Lakewood family homeless Monday. The fire broke out just before 10 a.m. at a home in the 2400 block of Youngfield Street. According to fire investigators, a woman was cooking eggs on the stove and turned around to get seasonings. When she turned back around, she found the pan on fire. The quick-thinking woman grabbed the flaming pan and threw it on the back deck. Unfortunately, it landed near the dried Christmas tree from last December. The blaze quickly spread as the tree went up in flames. The woman told fire investigators she sent the family dog downstairs to get her 3-year-old daughter. The dog nudged the child up the basement stairs to safety, she said. No one was injured in the fire and a damage estimate was not immediately available. Three adults and five children were displaced by the fire and were being aided by the Mile High Chapter of the American Red Cross.

Damn, here’s Colorado in the news AGAIN. I swear, there must be something in the water up there. I know it’s the home of Coors, but does EVERYONE have to drink it? I love how they call this “a series of unfortunate events”, as opposed to what it REALLY was, “a handful of truly spastic moves that resulted in dumbfuckery unseen before now”. Now, I fancy myself to be somewhat of a cook. I’m no Iron Chef…I’m more like a Tinfoil Waiter. But still, I can slap a meal together and meet your needs. And I’ve had a couple of fires in my day too, just so you don’t go thinking I’m perfect. (I am. But that’s neither here nor there.) But never once have I, in response to a fiery situation, sought THIS resolution to the aforementioned matter. Never have I elected to throw flaming food items out of my home and onto the back porch, no matter HOW high the flames got. Baking soda. Learn it, love it, use the fuck out of it on a grease fire. It’s not funny that this dumb woman burned down her house using eggs. Hell, a friend from back in the day, his mom burned down their kitchen when she left sausage cooking on a stove while she went to the store. We gave him hell about that for…well, we still do, and he’s 36 now. It happened when he was a kid. We’re cruel. But no, it’s not really funny. What IS funny, however, is that the bitch sent the DOG to get her daughter! Who the hell is her dog, Scooby Doo? Lassie? Brian from “Family Guy”? I’ve got 3 dogs, and I can tell you right now that if I said “Rocky, go get 4YO from his room!”, he’d look at me, sniff the air, wag his tail, and then lay the fuck down. What training school did THAT dog go to? And if he’s for sale, how much is he? I could use a dog that understands plain English. “Rocky, go get me some bacon and an Arizona Ice Tea from the store.” “Solid. Back in 10, baby.”
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NAIROBI, Kenya (Feb. 25) – Pirates hijacked a cargo ship delivering U.N. food aid to northeastern Somalia on Sunday — at least the second time in recent years that a vessel contracted to the United Nations has been hijacked off the country’s dangerous coast. The ship, MV Rozen, had just dropped off more than 1,800 tons of food aid in the semiautonomous region of Puntland in northeastern Somalia when the pirates struck, said Stephanie Savariaud, a spokeswoman for the U.N.’s World Food Program. It was not immediately known if any of the 12 crew members aboard — six from Sri Lanka and six from Kenya — were injured in the attack. “We know it has been hijacked by pirates but we do not know how many pirates there are,” Savariaud said. “We are very concerned about the safety of the crew.” There was an attempted hijacking on the same ship in March last year by five pirates armed with machine guns and rocket-propelled grenades, but the vessel managed to outrun them. “The pirates have not made any demands yet,” said Andrew Mwangura, head of the Kenyan chapter of the Seafarers Assistance Program. The ship was contracted by the WFP to deliver food aid to Somalia, where around one million people are suffering from a drought that hit the region last year.

Laurie, tell your family to leave people alone. Honestly, can’t they work at Sizzler or Wal-Mart or Circle K like normal people? Why do they have to steal boats (you know they didn’t buy them. You can’t put boats on layaway) and then rob food from the U.N.? Seriously, this is out of line, even for you hill folk. I thought the pirate ship was up on blocks! When did y’all get the catalytic converter fixed? I thought that paper clip/rubber band/duct tape combo was gonna last you FOREVER. Listen; get on Monster.com, enter a resume…a resume…REZ ooo MAY. This piece of paper that lists what you can do. No, don’t put down “drink a case of Keystone in 2 hours”. That’s not a transferable skill. You rob ships, right? Say “Acquisitions expert”. You take people hostage? Say “Works well with others”. You steal food from the U.N.? Say “Perform charity work”. You can do it. Anyway, get on Monster and look for a job more keeping with your skills and experience, like “lawyer” or “dictator” or maybe even “veterinarian”. Whatever. Leave folks alone. Laurie, handle your bidness.

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SHEBOYGAN, Wis. – Too bad nobody told him his fly was down. A 22-year-old man was arrested for drug possession after police found a marijuana pipe and drugs stashed in his underwear. Police made the arrest after they found the man’s car stuck in a ditch in the Town of Wilson. According to a criminal complaint, the man’s pants were undone and officers asked if there was anything illegal in his clothing. They found a pipe and a small amount of marijuana. The Sheboygan man was charged with misdemeanor possession of drug paraphernalia, felony marijuana possession and operating a vehicle after having his license revoked, police said.

Perhaps Einstein Jr. should’ve worn sweatpants that day. No zipper, you see. Or, and this is a novel idea, maybe he shouldn’t SMOKE POT WHILE DRIVING. And if you DO happen to puff on the magic dragon while operating a motor vehicle, once you drive that vehicle into a ditch, ditch the weed. Immediately. Bail is much more expensive than a new pipe. And people, if you MUST stuff your stash into your pants, zip up afterwards. But why was the cop looking into homeboy’s crotch anyway? This happened to me once. Cop pulled me over, looked down, saw my fly was undone, and he started to ask what the dilly-o was, but then the whole car got dark, and he let me go. If you need that explained to you, get away from my blog right now! I’m DARK Damian. Figure that shit out. Go. Bye.

Peace.

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