Greetings, homies! I swear, I lead the strangest life. On Monday, the unmitigated bliss of my daily existence was interrupted when I arrived at daycare to pick up the hellbats. One of the front office workers actually met me outside to talk to me. I know my kids. I know which one would cause an employee of a daycare to meet me at the door. 7YO. I love him fiercely, but he’s been kicked out of 2 daycares already due to his ADHD and behavior, so this wasn’t something new. I just sighed real hard and said “What did he do?” Well, evidently my young seed decided to be “silly” (his word) and take a girl behind a tree and show her his privates. Oh, HELLS TO THE NO! He knows better than this. We lead the kids through the “Only doctors and parents can see your privates” mantra so much, it should be a hit song on Radio Disney. Ordinarily I’d light his ass up for something like this (spare the rod and save the bail money – more on that later), but I decided to talk to him instead, to see why he did it. “Silly” is the only answer I ever got. Dear lord. Hopefully he got that outta his system, or the next time he’ll get a spanking IN his system.

Yesterday I went to Burger King for lunch, just so I could have it my way. When I pulled up to the window, I was greeted with what looked to be a pre- or post-op transsexual. Now, I don’t mind that s/he was attempting to be who s/he really wanted to be – in fact, I applaud the fact that s/he KNOWS what s/he wants to be, and is bold and strong enough to go get it. But honeygirlboy needed some serious beauty tips. Allow me to paint this picture:

  • Around 5’5
  • Roughly 170 lbs
  • Latino or black, couldn’t tell
  • 5 o’clock mustache shadow, at 12:30pm
  • A red unibrow, penciled in. PENCILED! All the way across! WHY?
  • A braided blonde ponytail, extending to the base of the neck
  • The rest of the hair was jet-black
  • The voice was as deep as mine

I didn’t raise an eyebrow when I saw him/her (and s/he COULDN’T raise one without some white-out and a #2 pencil), and I was so mad that I couldn’t come up with a reason to raise my camera phone up to secret-squirrel a pic of…shim. But next time, I’ll do better.

Enough banter. Let’s ‘tribe.

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Is it just me, or does the 9/11 mastermind Khalid Sheikh Mohammed:

look a lot like porn star Ron Jeremy?

Just asking. I mean, there ARE similarities. Both have terrorized people: Mohammed with bombs, and Jeremy with his mutant penis and his Super Marios Brothers looks. Could you imagine starting out in porn, and have Ron freakin’ Jeremy come into the video shoot? Sure, he’s a legend, but he looks like the Poppin’ Fresh Dough Boy after a hard weekend in Atlantic City. He’d be like a live-action Scared Straight movie for aspiring porn actresses. “Honey, your first scene is with Ron Jeremy.” “Um, let me see if IHOP is still taking applications.” Frightening.

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Louisiana State Police Troop E officers didn’t look for drunk drivers Tuesday morning. Instead, a suspected drunk driver came to them. At 2:27 a.m., Tuesday, Troop E had a surprise barrel into the fence surrounding the troop’s property in the form of a 1995 Chevrolet pickup driven by 57-year-old Donald Evans of Pineville. State Police public affairs officer Sal Messina said Evans was headed northbound on U.S. Highway 71’s east service road, when he failed to yield at the intersection of La. Highway 1. The vehicle crossed La. 1, entered a ditch and vaulted 75 feet into the air. The vehicle proceeded an additional 167 feet across a field and struck a chain link fence that secures Troop E’s back lot, police said. The vehicle damaged 30 to 40 feet of fence. Evans suffered minor injuries and was transported to Christus St. Frances Cabrini Hospital, police reported. Louisiana State Police Troop E Sgt. Mike Rawson said Evans was charged with careless operation of a vehicle, driving while intoxicated and no insurance, and was served two warrants by the Rapides Parish Sheriff’s Office.

You know, driving and driving is bad, mmmkay? It’s bad. Driving your truck into the state troopers’ backyard is not only dumb, it’s stupid, and it’s not only stupid, it’s karma. Thank God it was a police area and not someone’s home, you know? They don’t say how drunk Evans was when he went all Thelma and Louise with his truck, but I’m damn-near certain that his moment of clarity came when he was airborne for those 75 feet. I have images of his truck passing in front of the moon like Elliot’s bike in “E.T.”, all silent and slow, with him wrenched from his drunken stupor long enough to say the only words anyone could say in that situation: “Oh, shit.” It’s a miracle the truck landed on its tires. Seriously, did this guy go to the Dukes of Hazzard School of Driving? I bet he couldn’t repeat that feat for money. Let’s hope he learned a very valuable lesson: don’t drink and drive near state troopers, ’cause they won’t laugh at you when you say “Whoa – that stop sign, that ditch, and that fence just jumped right out in front of me!” But they WILL laugh when they haul your inebriated ass to the pokey.

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LAURENS COUNTY, S.C. — Authorities said an assistant high school principal and his wife, who is a middle school teacher, are accused of throwing a keg party where students paid $5 to drink. Prosecutor Jerry Peace said Thursday that John and Mary Clark turned themselves in to police and were charged with contributing to the delinquency of a minor. John Clark, 54, is an assistant principal at Newberry High School. Mary Clark, 52, teaches at Newberry Middle School. Both were booked at the Newberry County jail and released. Peace said that the charges stem from a summer party the Clarks threw at their lake house in 2006. Newberry County School District Superintendent Bennie Bennett said the Clarks are on paid administrative leave. Peace said he didn’t know how many students attended the party or their ages. He said beer was served from kegs, and students said they also drank some type of spiked punch.

Ah. Laurens County. That’s where I lived when I lived in South Carolina, people. But, just like last week, here we have another case of some old-ass adults throwing beer parties for minors. What the fuck is wrong with people? I could understand, to a point, if the adults were in their 20s or early 30s, ’cause they can at least still relate to that age group. It wouldn’t make it any more right, but I’d understand. Why would 50 year olds even CONCEIVE of doing something like this? OK, so you have a lake house, and want to entertain some young guests. Fine. Go order some pizzas and buy 20 cases of Coke. Do NOT buy kegs and make Purple Jesus for them! These people are educators. They should know better. Then again, we’re talking about Laurens County. Allow me to give you some trivia about ol’ Laurens, SC. Laurens, SC was the home of an establishment called The Redneck Shop. The Redneck Shop carried all sorts of items geared toward rednecks, such as Nazi uniforms, glossy Ku Klux Klan photos, sheets/hoods/robes, and reading material that praised the institution of slavery. Oh yes. And it was located right in the middle of town square, not half a block from city hall. Naturally, this shop had its detractors, which you’d expect in a civilized society, but what was frightening was the amount of supporters the place had. The ultimate karmic irony of it all was that later on, the owner lost everything, and ended up living under the good graces of a local BLACK minister, who forgave him and took him in. This is the pervading attitude in Laurens County, folks. I’m surprised they didn’t mention that the kids were shooting frogs from the back deck, ’cause you KNOW there was some shootin’ going on.

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NELSONVILLE (AP) — A 13-year-old boy from this southeast Ohio city has been charged in juvenile court with 128 felonies in what police said was a crime spree that targeted homes and businesses. The boy, now in juvenile detention, faces delinquency counts of burglary, theft, vandalism and witness intimidation. “In my 30 years of doing this, I’ve never had a juvenile that young with so many charges,” Athens County Prosecutor C. David Warren said Tuesday. Police in Nelsonville, 55 miles southeast of Columbus, accuse the boy of breaking into homes and businesses, and stealing checks from elderly residents, Warren said. The boy also is accused of beating one of the witnesses who turned him in, Warren said. At least three other youths, one of them 10 years old, have been charged in the ongoing investigation, Warren said. A pretrial hearing is scheduled later this month for the boy, who could be freed at 21 even if he is convicted of all charges, prosecutors said. “We either get him rehabilitated now in the juvenile system or we will be dealing with him for the rest of his life,” said Warren, who plans to proceed with all the cases in hopes of getting restitution for victims. “It is very difficult to explain to a victim whose business has been broken into to say we are going to charge on this but not on yours,” he said.

Um. Ordinarily, I’d say that this kid needs his ass beat with the full righteous power of parenting. But it’s apparent that his parents aren’t Ward and June Cleaver. Mom and I Meant To Pull Out are not mentioned in this article, but if your 13 year old has 128 felonies logged against him, you’re fucking up. Period. If you average that out over the course of his whole life, that’s 9.85 felonies for each year he’s been alive. He’d’ve been stealing breast milk at age 1. Jacking toddlers for their Aquadoodles at age 3. Robbing Toys R Us at age 5. Pulling a gun on a cafeteria worker to get more applesauce at age 7. It’s hard to believe that this kid just SUDDENLY turned bad, and committed all these crimes without some type of clue to his activities. That shit doesn’t happen. He’s likely been a bad seed for a long time, which puts the onus on his behavior back on Mom and Sperm Donor. And really, if he’s this bad at 13…there’s not a whole lot you can do to fix him. He can fix HIMSELF, but as a parent, any lessons about how to fundamentally be a better human being are gonna bounce off of him like that bullet bounced off of Superman’s eyeball. And think – 128 felonies is just what they KNOW about. No doubt this kid did plenty of shit that he never got caught for. The good news is that Mom and Broken Rubber don’t have to save for college now. But they might want to start a high-interest savings account for bail money.

Peace.

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