Good evening, and welcome to Almost Infamous Cafe! Tonight’s special is the Diatribe, simmered thoroughly and served with julienne fried potatoes. For starters, the appetizer is a lovely story about inept drug traffickers, with a main course comprised of Ray J and Kim K Surprise, and followed by a wonderful dessert of Cat Litter a la Washing Machine. I do hope you enjoy your meal, and tip your server well. I mean it. Remember, he’s the lucky guy who gets to bring you your food, so be sure to treat him with all due respect when ordering and filling out your comment card, or it’s possible that, completely by accident, your steak will fall to the floor and be used to clean up a biohazard before being returned to your plate. Accidents happen all the time. So — gobble up!

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(nydailynews.com) Three Long Island men were caught with as much as $4,000 worth of drugs on the Triborough Bridge on Sunday – all because they couldn’t come up with the $4.50 toll, cops said. The trio was busted by MTA Bridges and Tunnels cops while trying to get from the Bronx to Manhattan Sunday afternoon, police said. When Officer Joshua Landon asked to see the driver’s license so the agency could mail him a bill for the toll, Jesus Cancal, 31, of Syosset, only had an expired learner’s permit – with eight prior suspensions, police said. While Landon was arresting Cancal, cops Willie Gamble, Greg Vanicky and Ernesto Reyes approached the 1996 Chrysler to search it. That’s when, they said, they spotted passenger George Perez, 29, of Patchogue, frantically fumbling around in the backseat. When they ordered him out of the car, bags of cocaine allegedly fell from his lap. Stuffed in his pockets were more bags of cocaine, as well as a container of liquid angel dust worth about $300 on the street, police said. A hypodermic needle was allegedly found on the other passenger, Jason Kadlec, 29, of Bellport. All told, authorities said, 110 packets of cocaine were recovered, with a street value of $3,000 to $4,000. Cancal, Perez and Kadlec were all charged with possession of a controlled substance.

Mapquest.com — Free
110 packets of of cocaine — $4000
Liquid angel dust — $300
Gas — $3 per gallon
Triborough Bridge toll — $4.50

Bail/bond — approximately $50,000
Dumb criminals who don’t plan properly — priceless (except for the cost of housing and feeding these idiots for the length of their imminent prison sentence)

While I’ve never trafficked drugs, I can imagine that those who do and do it well are pretty well-organized. They have to plan for every contingency, and have to be very creative when planning their transport and distribution. So my question is, why in the hottest hell would anyone employ people who (a) don’t have a valid driver’s license; (b) not carry enough cash to cover the tolls on the route they’re traveling; and (c) are so stupid that they transport their cargo out in the open, rather then putting it in a hidden stash box or (news flash!) in the damn TRUNK? I guaran-damn-tee you that they’re not smart enough to keep their mouths shut about where they got their shit, so the employer is REALLY gonna regret not running the standard background check on these guys. Simple things, criminals. Make sure your mule has a valid driver’s license or other valid and up-to-date documentation. If Hector has a suspended license, use Jorge. I don’t care if Hector is your friend Marisol’s cousin and really needs some cash, hire Jorge. Always hire Jorge.

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Whitney Houston’s toyboy, Ray J, has been offered the chance to become a hardcore porn mogul by adult film bosses who liked what they saw on his X-rated sex tape. The singer, R&B star Brandy’s little brother, filmed a sex session with ex-girlfriend, and the footage found its way into the hands of porn bosses at Vivid Entertainment. The sex film experts are so impressed with Ray J’s X-rated skills, they want to give him the chance to get paid for filming others getting hot and heavy. According to website TMZ.com, Ray-J has been offered a four picture deal by Vivid Entertainment bosses, who want him direct films. Company CEO Steven Hirsh tells the website, “Our first conversations were very uncomfortable, but, after continuing to talk, the possibility was definitely in the air.”

This, folks, is the lovely Miss Kim Kardashian:
kim-kardashian-csh-016095.jpg
Um…wow. She’s the hotness. And BRANDY’S LITTLE BROTHER was hittin’ that? Mad props, Ray J. Mad props. She’s also the daughter of the late Robert Kardashian, one of O.J.’s defense attorneys, and one of Paris Hilton’s good buddies. I suppose she was relatively well-known in the Hollywood set, though she isn’t famous, per se. And I dare 10 of you to name just ONE Ray J song without looking it up. Hell, I sure can’t. But for damn sure they two of them are getting some serious notoriety now. This seems like the new magical formula to becoming more famous: make a sex tape, and somehow lose possession of it and have it “leaked” to the public. Suddenly Vivid Entertainment, a billion dollar business, is wanting Ray J in their stable, and people now have much better knowledge of Kardashian’s “assets”. Is it flattering or embarrassing to have a porn company wanting you to direct films? I guess I’d take it as a compliment, but I’d ask them to send my check in a plain brown wrapper. Now, if you’re Brandy, what do you say to your little bro? I can’t believe she’d give him a high-five about all this, especially with the allegations that the video includes “water sports”, also known as “golden showers”, also known as “R. Kelly’s version of foreplay”. That’s just nasty. C’mon, people. If you’re so far out in left field that you have to urinate on someone or be urinated on in order to get off, just go straight to therapy. That ain’t right. But I’d for sure eat some bacon off of her. Oh yes.

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(kutv.com) SALT LAKE CITY–A man accused in the dumping of a well-used cat litter box into a washing machine with another man’s clothes in it has been charged. The 49-year-old now faces two misdemeanor counts of criminal mischief and a warrant has been issued for his arrest. Police say the man told them he dumped the litter box “in spite” of another man after he found his wet laundry removed from a washer at a South Salt Lake coin-operated laundry. However, court documents say the other man claims he removed the clothing so he could wash his own clothes. He also told police the wash cycle was finished. Court documents say the used cat litter caused nearly $600 in damage to both the washer and the man’s clothes.

Do any of you out there own cats? Vile creatures, really. Oh, they appear cute and cuddly, and when they want something like food or a nuclear weapon, they’ll be your best friend, all rubbing on your leg and purring, thinking that’ll win you over. These animals have humans so domesticated that we willingly train them to pee and poop in a box filled with litter, and then WE clean that shit out. Even dogs can’t believe it. And if you have owned a cat, you know how incredibly awful a used litter box can be. I’ll put it this way — if a terrorist told me “I can either dump this two-week used litter box on your face, or spray anthrax on you”, I’d take the anthrax. There’s no honor in having old cat piss soaking into your pores, people. It seems that the punishment doesn’t fit the crime in this case. I mean, who HASN’T had their laundry removed at a laundromat? It’s damn-near an American custom. The worst I’ve ever thought upon discovering my wet clothes in a basket was “Aw, hell.” I get it. They had to use it, and I was MIA. Dumping cat litter…I mean, it’s not like the guy walks around with old, stankin’ litter, just waiting to launch it at somebody. He had to go get that shit. Literally. All along the walk home and back, some inner voice should’ve been saying “Um….you sure about this? ‘Cause…damn. Just dry your clothes, Herman. Not that big a deal in the grand scheme of things.” A dirty look would do the trick nicely. Now he’s wanted by the cops, and caused a lot of damage, will probably have to pay a pretty hefty fine AND replace the guy’s clothes, and no doubt will be banned from that laundromat, which I’m sure was close to his crib, seeing has how he brought back funky cat litter. No one wants to ride in a car for long with funky cat litter. We had a cat who used to pee on our stove. And not just anywhere, either. No, THIS frisky feline would pee on the burner that doubled as the oven vent. When we got home from work and turned the oven on to pre-heat it, within minutes the entire house would be filled with the fragrance of piping hot burning cat urine. Do know what smells worse than burning cat urine? Nothing.

Peace.

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