Well, finally! I get super-busy, and don’t have a lot of time to devote to running down these stories, but I miss it when I don’t rant and rave about people’s inherent stupidity every week. I get all backed up. I’ll be driving down the road, spewing verbal tirades towards people I see or hear about, like those fools who got those toddlers to smoke pot and God knows what else. I didn’t even diatribe them, ’cause all it would be is the word “assholes” repeated over and over, like I was in “The Shining”. No one wants that. You want action! Drama! Suspense! Pathos (look it up)! Passion! and of course, Rampant and Unchecked Stupidity. And I’m here to deliver. Open wide…your diatribe is now ready. And doubly-big, for your pleasure.

Let’s ‘tribe!

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(http://www.abc.net.au) A 25-year-old man will front court next month after allegedly breaking into a police station overnight at Palmwoods. Police allege the man broke into the Palmwoods’ station by climbing through a window sometime between 7:30pm AEST and a 8:45pm. The man is accused of stealing back property that police had seized from him earlier in the day. The 25-year-old allegedly took the stolen property back to his home where police arrested him about an hour later. He has been charged with break and enter and stealing offences and is due to appear in Maroochydore Magistrates Court on April 20.

Yeah, I lost my “Criminal Behavior for Dummies” book last year, but I’m almost certain the chapter entitled “How to Break INTO Jail” was followed immediately by “Ha Ha, Just Kidding – Keep Your Dumb Ass Away From The Pokey”. I guess homeboy here didn’t read that shit thoroughly. Honestly, if the cops come and take something from you and decide to NOT take YOU along with it, take that as a sign from Our Father from Above and count your blessings. You don’t get mad and go to reclaim your stash, ’cause contrary to popular belief, life is not like “Ocean’s 11”. Or “Ocean’s 12”. Or the upcoming “Ocean’s 13”. I don’t care what type of Mission: Impossible gear you bought off eBay, you’ll not break into the police station, get your shit, and get out – especially at 7:30pm. Even if it’s Marcellus Wallace’s briefcase, you don’t break INTO THE JAIL. I hope they make him wear a sign in prison that tells the other inmates exactly what he’s in there for.

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Twin sisters from Sheboygan were reported to police by photo developers after taking partially nude pictures of each other in front of a 5-year-old boy ā€” and in one case having the child take a picture of them ā€” according to Sheboygan police. The 29-year-old women turned in the racy photos for developing at Walgreen Drug Store, 1029 N. 14th St., and store employees reported them to police on Sunday, said Lt. Jeff Johnston of the Sheboygan Police Department. Both were arrested Monday. Johnston said the pictures show the women in provocative underwear and in some cases topless, with the boy sometimes in the background. The women apparently took the pictures of each other, and one picture of both of them was taken by the child, Johnston said. Both women are expected to be charged today with exposing a child to harmful material.

What they don’t mention is their relationship to the boy, and how the hell he got to be so lucky. Seriously, twins at age 5? He is a MACK DADDY. Pimpin’ ain’t easy, so you gotta start young. I bet he was the ringleader of the whole thing. He got these women drunk on Mike’s Hard Lemonade, started all that smooth five year old gangsta talk (“So what’s up? We gonna drink apple juice and watch “Spongebob”, or are we gonna do this?”), and the next thing they knew they were in their Victoria’s Secret while he was in his Osh Kosh B’Gosh, grinning like he found money. His mistake (and really, who could blame him) was in letting the women go to a freakin’ Walgreen to develop the photos. Another big fat hint, people – if you take scandalous and/or incriminating pics of yourself, use a digital camera, unless you have direct access to a dark room. This is not a hard rule to follow, and yet so many people get busted for basically turning themselves in. Now this li’l pimp is gonna have to find some new hoes to pose. He should hit Craigslist. And tell ’em to bring a booster seat.

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STOCKHOLM, Sweden (AP) – Metallica may be a cool name for a heavy metal band, but a Swedish couple is struggling to convince officials it is also suitable for a baby girl. Michael and Karolina Tomaro are locked in a court battle with Swedish authorities, which rejected their application to name their six-month-old child after the legendary rock band. “It suits her,” Karolina Tomaro, 27, said Tuesday of the name. “She’s decisive and she knows what she wants.” Although little Metallica has already been baptized, the Swedish National Tax Board refused to register the name, saying it was associated with both the rock group and the word “metal.” Tomaro said the official handling the case also called the name “ugly.” The couple was backed by the County Administrative Court in Goteborg, which ruled on March 13 that there was no reason to block the name. It also noted that there already is a woman in Sweden with Metallica as a middle name. The tax agency appealed to a higher court, frustrating the family’s foreign travel plans. “We’ve had to cancel trips and can’t get anywhere because we can’t get her a passport without an approved name,” Tomaro said.

Shit, let ’em. Why not? If they want to sentence their kid to a life of shame and scorn, they have that right. Mind you, the shame and scorn would come simply from being the offspring of these two assfaces, not from the name itself. No one in their right mind names their child after (a) alcoholic beverages; (b) websites/ TV channels / other media; or (c) bands. So Chardonnay, Espen, and now Metallica? You’re screwed. Don’t these parents know Metallica’s history? Lars Ulrich, the drummer will straight-up SUE them for using the name. They’ve sued anyone and everyone who have dared infringe upon the scared copyright of the Metallica brand. You think they wouldn’t sue an infant? They would. Maybe the parents should instead name her after some Metallica songs. Here are some gravy-ass ideas:

  • Motorbreath
  • Fade To Black
  • Battery
  • Master Of Puppets
  • Sad But True
  • Enter Sandman
  • King Nothing
  • St. Anger

Master of Puppets is my personal fave. She’d get all kinds of respect. But honestly, as stupid as the name is, the parents should be allowed to name their “anti-rhythm method accident” anything they choose, as long as it’s not obscene. Hmm, maybe we still have an argument here…
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BEIJING (Reuters) – A Chinese woman survived a plunge from a sixth-floor balcony thanks to a convenient pile of excrement which broke her fall, local media said. The accident happened when the woman was hanging out laundry on Monday in Nanjing, capital of the eastern province of Jiangsu, the Kuaibao tabloid said on its Web site (www.kuaibao.net). “Workers happened to be emptying the building’s septic tank, which had not been tended for a long time and had regularly blocked sewage pipes,” the newspaper said. “She probably stretched out too far and fell … right on to a 20 cm-thick heap of excrement.” The woman suffered only slight injuries, the newspaper said.

Well. At least she’s alive, right? You know, a washer/dryer combo would stop this from happening in the future, I’m thinking. And you all know – when she fell, she yelled “OH SHIT!”, and her wish magically came true. Maybe she’s a witch! Can I throw her off a balcony and make her yell “Thandie Newton” or “$4 million”, just to see if she’s lucky? Then again, I don’t want her landing on top of sweet Thandie, so perhaps I’ll change that to “a trampoline that magically makes bacon and ATM withdrawals of $1 from the account of every person on Earth who has one”. Now THAT shit would rock my balls. But back to the matter at hand. Wasn’t this a scene in “Back To The Future”, when Biff crashed his jalopy into the manure truck? You’d never think things like this would happen for real. What was she thinking as she fell? Let’s see!

  • 6th balcony – “Just one more sheet and I’ll be fini-OH NO!”
  • 5th balcony – “AHHHH! I didn’t finish dinner! Chang will be so upset!”
  • 4th balcony – “I’m going to die and see the ancestors, and I don’t have Lu’s money I owe him!”
  • 3rd balcony – “Wait, what’s that down there? I’m saved! I’m – heeeeeeey…”
  • 2nd balcony – “No. Nononononono. NOOOO! Not that!”
  • 1st balcony – “I’ll never get this stain out! Much shame on me!”
  • Pile of offal – “Strike that – I’ll never get the TASTE out of my mouth. No more ramen noodles for me.”

What’s worse – falling in a pile of shit and dying, or falling in a pile of shit and living, but knowing people will talk shit about you forever? I slay me.

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CUYAHOGA FALLS, Ohio – An Ohio man convicted of trying to hire a hit man to kill his wife claimed the deal was a joke to impress a motorcycle gang he was trying to join. Brian Ciraco, who previously spent more than seven years in jail when he cut a girlfriend’s hand with a sword, was convicted Monday of conspiracy to commit aggravated murder and complicity to attempted aggravated murder, The Cleveland Plain Dealer reported Tuesday. The jury also found Ciraco guilty of carrying a concealed weapon after police found a switchblade in his possession during the arrest. A spokeswoman for prosecutor Sherri Bevan Walsh said Ciraco had been shopping around for hit men and comparing prices when he approached an undercover Cuyahoga Falls detective and made a $60 down payment on his wife’s death. He testified in court that he never intended to go through with the act; instead he just wanted to hire the hit man so he would be allowed to join a motorcycle gang. Ciraco is scheduled for sentencing April 30. He could be sentenced to 20 years in prison.

Hmm…so this guy, a convicted felon, attempted to hire a hit man to off his wife, and passed it off as a joke he used to try to impress the motorcycle gang he was attempting to join. Let’s break this down:

  • Bad: he’s been in jail before on an assault charge (presumably).
  • Good: he got out, so he MUST be reformed, right? Right.
  • Bad: He wanted his wife dead for some reason.
  • Good: He was smart enough to not do the deed himself, given his rap sheet.
  • Bad: He was “shopping around” for a hit man, and comparing prices.
  • Good: He found one at a reasonable cost.
  • Bad: He found an undercover detective.
  • Bad: He only gave a $60 down payment. $60 wouldn’t even buy a verbal altercation.
  • Bad: He had a switchblade, a no-no for us regular folk, not to mention felons.
  • Good: He tried to make a convincing lie, claiming he was joking.
  • Bad: He was joking in order to join a gang. Another no-no for felons.

And so, by a score of 7-4, bad wins over good, and I hereby certify this douche bag as an Idiot, First Class. He can pick up his certificate along with the soap in general population.
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NEW YORK – A Long Island, N.Y, couple is suing a New York fertility clinic because the wrong sperm was used during in vitro fertilization to conceive their daughter. “While we love Baby Jessica as our own, we are reminded of this terrible mistake each and every time we look at her,” Nancy and Thomas Andrews said in documents filed in Manhattan Supreme Court, the New York Daily News reported. “It is simply impossible to ignore.” The couple, who live in Commack, N.Y., didn’t suspect anything was amiss with their in vitro fertilization procedure until the October 2004 birth of their second child, whose skin was darker than either of her parents. In court papers, the couple said they were “emotionally devastated” when three DNA tests confirmed that Thomas Andrews was not the baby’s biological father. State Supreme Court Justice Sheila Abdus-Salaam dismissed the couple’s mental distress claim but she allowed a malpractice lawsuit to proceed. “The birth of an unwanted but otherwise healthy and normal child does not constitute an injury to the child’s parents,” the judge wrote, the Daily News reported.

OK – is it just me, or is it hilarious that these folks, mad about getting a black (I assume) baby, were arguing before a judge with the last name of Abdus-Salaam? You think maybe this judge might have a soft spot for the plight of this innocent baby, whose only crime was being born with more melanin than the parents? Yeeeeeeeeah. Granted, I can understand their dismay when they were expecting Rachel Perry and got Halle Berry, and I don’t really have a problem with them suing the clinic, but I’ve got a real problem with the wording of their statements in the documentation. Insinuating that her skin color prompted mental anguish is tantamount to saying that her race is lesser or inferior. And look, I know they’re not really saying that, but come on. Leave the little girl out of the suit. Simply say “Hey, you said you’d give us x, and we got y, so we’re suing.” They’re making themselves look like utter assholes here. And language like “…we are reminded of this terrible mistake each and every time we look at her” doesn’t help either. How’s this little girl gonna feel later in life? Unwanted much? It’s a terrible precedent for the start of her life. Sue the clinic and give her up for adoption, if she’s so abhorrent to you, you jackals. And honestly, it’s not like the mom’s never had someone else’s sperm in her. In fact, it kinda makes you wonder…was mom creepin’ with Tyrone, and is now trying to cover it up AND make a profit? Don’t look all appalled – you’ve all heard of crazy shit JUST like this. I wouldn’t doubt it for a minute. Y’all know black men don’t give sperm in fertility clinics, unless there’s a hot-ass nurse in there to take it from him. Just keepin’ it real.

Peace.

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