Dear Lord.

You know I love you, folks. You know this. I need not even say it, because its truth is as evident as Britney Spears’ mental issues. But DAMN – all this love I have doesn’t make it any easier to crank out quality blog material to feed you baby birds. And I hate posting just to post shit, so I’m inclined to just make you wait until I’m inspired. Or until I have a free minute, which I happen to have now. So yo.

Before I get into the ‘tribe, can I just tell you how excited I am? This weekend, my band of rogues known as Nonetheless will be debuting in the wonderful city of Amarillo, where we’ll be blowin’ up the spot at Avenue X on Friday and Saturday night! It’s gonna be incredible. We’re gonna hit the town like rock stars and give them a show for the ages. One of our band neighbors at our rehearsal space went to this same place a few weeks back, and pulled about 400 people in there, so we’re pretty stoked. It’s rumored that in Amarillo, Dallas bands are considered damn-near celebrities, so we hope that translates into bodies through the door. If you’re anywhere in the area, stop in and see us. If not, wish us luck.

OK – let’s do this while I’m still awake and lucid.

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(AP) The mother of a kindergartner was charged with assault Thursday and banned from school after officials said she walked into the child’s classroom, pointed a toy cap gun at students and pulled the trigger several times. It happened Tuesday, a day after the deadly shootings at Virginia Tech, and scared teachers and students, the school principal said. Church Hill police and Hawkins County school officials met with Heather Nicole Berg, 26, before charging her with misdemeanor assault, police said. She had already been banned from Church Hill Elementary School for a year. Police declined to say why Berg had the cap gun with her but called her actions “a monumental lapse in judgment.” “A staff member and several children initially thought the gun was real and were fearful,” police chief Mark Johnson said in a press release. School officials said the woman was in the classroom to pay for an upcoming field trip. While the teacher’s back was turned, “The mom walked in toward the middle of the classroom, and the teacher heard this click, click, click, click _ like four to six times,” Principal Jean Heise said. “A teacher’s assistant witnessed her take a gun and point it directly toward four to five kids. With everything that’s happened the last couple of days, she (the assistant) was just in shock,” the principal said. She then left with the small child and took the toy gun with her. Heise called police. Berg had a court appearance set for April 30. She could face up to a year in prison and a maximum fine of $2,500 if convicted of assault. Church Hill is near Kingsport, along the Virginia border.

You know, I’m not going to get all into the whole VT thing. I just can’t. But in light of this…this woman needs instant on-the-spot sterilization. And given the fact that this was along the Virginia border, this bitch had to KNOW what happened the day before. This shit is beyond comprehension on ANY day. Who in the hell would ever, ever, EVER think it’s OK to do this? Who wakes up in the morning, showers, dresses, gets their kid up and dressed, and says “You know what would be FUN? Pretending to shoot the kids in Jilly’s class. She said Cardarius pulled her skirt yesterday anyway, the little prick.” Fuck the book, she need the entire LIBRARY thrown at her. A Barnes & Noble should be dropped on her head from a height equivalent to her level of stupidity, but I doubt the US has anything that can tow a bookstore into orbit. Christ on a moped. Someone please slap her in jail. Often.

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WEST PALM BEACH, Florida – A man is accused of performing dental work without a license in his “filthy” garage. Roger Bean, 60, performed denture fittings and made false teeth in his garage, charging just $200 for a full set of dentures, a procedure that typically costs more than $2,000 , authorities said. Palm Beach County Sheriff’s detective Don Zumpano said there were “health risks with operating this type of facility outside of your house,” adding that Bean’s workspace was “filthy.” Neighbors and clients, however, praised Bean for saving them thousands of dollars. Ron St. Mary, 73, head of the neighborhood crime watch, said Bean is no criminal. “He’s helping the old people who don’t have a few dollars,” he told the South Florida Sun-Sentinel newspaper. “I think the world of him.”

Um….what? I understand all about the high cost of dental care, and how it’s hard for older folks to raise the funds needed to get quality care but…what? I mean, ding the fake dentist for having his practice in the same place he has his Chevy, sure. That’s just wrong, and I don’t really care HOW good his work was, you don’t make dentures in your garage. But really, the onus needs to fall on the people who bought from him. As much as it might cost to get false teeth from Dr. Paycheck, D.D.S, at least HE has a diploma hanging on the wall, and not just a set of allen wrenches and a centerfold from Guns & Ammo. And if your dentures break, do you call the dentist, or do you call MAACO? And what the hell was he using for denture parts? Roofing nails? I guess you could spot his patients easily – they’re the ones using a ball-peen hammer as a toothpick.

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Eric Hine is a free man today because of his Biblical knowledge. Hine, 43, of Corryville, was in court today charged with receiving stolen property. He is accused of using a stolen credit card at 1:15 a.m. today to try to buy items at the Walgreen’s at 1 W. Corry St.
When he appeared this morning before Hamilton County Municipal Court Judge John Burlew, Hine’s attorney was hoping for a low bond for Hine and told the judge he was a churchgoer who works fulltime at a company that makes wine racks. Because judges hear all kinds of stories from lawyers and defendants hoping for low bonds, Burlew wanted to test Hine on his claim of attending an Avondale church. So, Burlew told Hine to recite the 23rd Psalm. “The Lord is my Shepard; I shall not want,” Hine told the judge. Impressed but still skeptical, Burlew told Hine if he could recite the entire passage, he would let him out of jail. Hine then reeled off all six verses and 118 words – and even drew some applause from those sitting in the courtroom. Burlew was true to his word and released Hine on a $10,000 unsecured appearance bond. That meant Hine had to sign a bond to promise to pay $10,000 if he didn’t make his next court appearance in the case.

Damn. I suppose it’s good he wasn’t up for murder. I wonder what would happen if that was me? Hmm…

Me: “Uh, your honor, I’m a proud upstanding member of the community, I pay my taxes, and I love my family and hip-hop.”
Judge: “Hip-hop, huh? Well then, recite Rapper’s Delight by the Sugar Hill Gang. By heart.”
Me: “Excuse me? What about bail?”
Judge: “If you want bail, then you better start reciting like it’s ‘The Iliad’. If you do it, I’ll release you on your own recognizance. If not, life.”
Me: “I said a hip hop the hippie the hippie
to the hip hip hop, a you dont stop
the rock it to the bang bang boogie say up jumped the boogie
to the rhythm of the boogie, the beat.”
Judge: “Case dismissed.”

See? It’s nonsensical. Knowing the 23rd Psalm only proves that he knows the 23rd Psalm. It has nothing at all to do with his charge. I know the 23rd Psalm, too. Can I get out of bail for a crime by saying I know it? What happened to separation of church and state? It would’ve been hilarious if the guy was Buddhist, and used that as a reason for reduced bail. And when the judge asked him to prove his faith, he could just say “I FOOOOOOOOOOUND you, Miss New Buddha! Buddha Buddha Buddha Buddha Buddha everywhere!” He’d be walking the streets right now.

Peace.

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