Good morning, my denizens of Damiana! I know why you’re here – you don’t love me. You just love my diatribes. And I’m ok with that. Let me just say that I intend to write about the trip to Amarillo, just as soon as I recover from it. I stayed up entirely too late both nights I was there, and I’m getting re-introduced to sleep and its inherent benefits. I’ll fill you in.

In the meantime, feast on this tasty treat, made fresh today, just for you.

PHUKET, Thailand – An accused condom thief arrested while vacationing in Phuket, Thailand, could face five years in prison if convicted. The Swedish tourist said he met a woman at a bar at the Karon resort while he was visiting the country with his mother, the Swedish newspaper The Local reported Monday. He said the woman had agreed to spend the night with him, but the couple lacked a necessary ingredient for safe sex. “I was drunk and needed condoms,” the man said. However, police said upon visiting a local 7-Eleven convenience store, the man neglected to pay for the condoms, a toothbrush and some throat lozenges. A witness said store employees chased the man into an alleyway and assaulted him before taking him back to the store. “They chased him into an alley and jumped on him. They started assaulting him quite badly,” local cafe owner David Jutterstrom said. The man paid for the goods when he was taken back to the store, but police soon arrived on the scene and arrested him. “He could get five years in prison,” police sergeant Adis Adisakyakam said.

Let’s start with the name of the city. Phuket. Phuket. Can we just let that marinade for a minute, given that the crux of the story is about a condom thief? This story made me laugh multiple times. First, the fact that he’s on vacation in Thailand with his mother is priceless. Who goes to THAILAND with his MOM? “Hey Mom, wanna go see a donkey show?” “Hey Mom, you got change for a $5? I wanna fuck this whore.” Speaking of whores, picking up a whore while on vacation with your mother is the height of classlessness. What was his mom supposed to do while he was getting the ‘love you long time’ special? Knit? “Mom, watch some Thai ‘Knight Rider’ while me and Sum Sik Ting get acquainted over here.” However, you have to give him props for not wanting to dive into the deep end of that cesspool without the proper biohazard protection. But going into the 7-Eleven (raise your hand if you knew Thailand had a 7-Eleven. Put your damn hand down and stop lying. You didn’t know that shit.) and sprinting off without paying is just plain stupid. Thailand don’t play, man. This ain’t like stealing rubbers from a CVS in Colorado Springs, man. You get caned or beat with a broken LP or maybe even forced to watch “Glimmer” endlessly for 3 years. In high definition. I hope he knows how to say “Not in the face, please” in Thai – he’ll need that knowledge.

JANESVILLE, Wis. (AP) — This real estate agent will likely do a house check before letting her prospective customers tour on their own from now on, after a couple happened upon a homeowner dead in bed. Linda Chabucos-Galow, a real estate agent with Shorewest, stood in the dining room while Justin and Colleen McKeen walked through a house Monday night. Before long, she heard Colleen scream as the couple stood at the doorway. “I thought, ‘What’s wrong?’ Maybe it was a dead mouse or something,” Chabucos-Galow said. But then she peered into the bedroom and saw the body of Linda L. O’Leary, 55, the owner of the home. She had been dead for about two weeks, officials say. “It looked like a Halloween prop,” Chabucos-Galow said. The uncovered body was wearing dark shorts. Chabucos-Galow said her legs were wrapped in material that appeared similar to cheesecloth or support hose. Gale Kent, the Coldwell Banker First United Realty agent who listed the house, said the property was for sale “for a while,” but wouldn’t say how many times it had been shown in recent weeks. Police Capt. Dan Davis said an overnight log listed the incident as a sudden death, which indicates to him there was no foul play. But he would not comment further on whether the death was suspicious. An autopsy had not been scheduled, he said. Chabucos-Galow said she set up the showing without knowing the homeowner’s identity. After entering the home, she noticed a faint odor but thought it was from the mess in the house or the countertop full of dishes. She saw unopened mail. “I’ve smelled death. I know what death smells like,” she said. “I can’t believe my sinuses were that bad.”

I’m no real estate agent, but wouldn’t it be prudent to ALWAYS take a quick scan of the house you’re showing before the potential customers show up? I mean, what if there WAS a dead rat in the kitchen? You might wanna shove that critter into the backyard or in the garbage disposal or something. I can’t image that these buyers (or many others, once this story broke) would ever choose Chabucos-Galow to show them a property. And no way in hell would she be my selling agent. That poor woman won’t sell another house until the Browns win the Super Bowl. Honestly, the woman had been dead for 2 weeks and no one knew or checked? That’s just sad. An unnoticed death has to be the worst kind, except maybe for every other kind ever. As an agent, I’d think that she wouldn’t even show a house that was messy and/or filthy, but I know it’s all about the dollar. I watch those shows on HGTV and TLC. People attempt to sell their houses without even lifting a finger to clean it first, then wring their hands saying “Oh, why won’t it SELL? I need a makeover!” They need some Spic-n-Span (worse product name ever. I guess the marketing team vetoed Kike Kleaner or Niggerfresh during the brainstorming session). If it were me, in all likelihood I would’ve walked in, uttered the required “Oh, HELLS to the no!”, then gone looking for the owner. Finding her in bed, I would’ve turned on the lights and started banging table spoons against dirty pots to wake her ass up. Once I discovered she was dead, though, I’d consider giving her a pass, until I realized that dead people don’t use dishes, so that mess was made while she was alive, and how DARE she not clean her shit up, knowing people would be dropping in. Then I would’ve kicked the body twice and called the cops.

FRANKLIN, Ohio—A man accused of trying to elude police by jumping from rooftop to rooftop found the gap between two buildings a little wider than he thought, police reports show. Christopher Watts, 32, of Franklin in southwest Ohio, was wanted for a Warren County probation violation when he ran from an officer who approached him Saturday, reports show. He climbed a fence to the top of a one-story bar, then attempted to jump to the roof of a dry cleaner’s next door, according to a police report. Watts missed and fell about 15 feet, becoming stuck in an enclosed area between the two buildings, the report said. A fire department ladder truck was used to pull him free, and he was taken to a hospital in Dayton for treatment of his injuries. He was in fair condition today, a hospital spokeswoman said. Franklin police charged Watts with obstructing official business, but Warren County’s arrest warrant will take precedence when Watts is released from the hospital, Franklin Police Chief Gordon Ellis said. Watts had been sentenced to probation in 2005 for failure to pay child support, court records show, and also was sentenced to spend Father’s Days in jail during the five-year probation. Records show a warrant was issued for his arrest after he failed to turn himself into jail last June and moved without notifying a probation officer.

See this? This is a prime example why people should pay their child support, and maybe not watch so many movies. In the movies, the buildings are always just far enough apart to make the jump look perilous, but just close enough together for the jumper to actually make it, except for that LAST jump where he has to catch the ledge and climb up, all while looking back for the cops/robots/bad guys/Gene Simmons chasing him. And invariably, they think twice about making that same jump, prompting the leader to say “AFTER HIM!” in an unnecessarily loud voice. You know, as I think about it, why do minions and henchmen work for and stay with those jerkoffs? They’re the first ones to get a cap popped in their ass, and they never ever get thanked for the hard work. And God forbid if the far-superiorly gifted protagonist escapes them, kicking their ass in the process, ’cause that’s just cause for another ass-whipping from the boss. It’s not glamorous work at all. But I digress. I wanna know what went through this guy’s mind when he was in midair, at that precise moment when he realized he wasn’t gonna make that jump. Do you think his life flashed before his eyes, an endless reel of stupidity and Hot Pockets and overnight stays in the drunk tank and that one-legged hooker from Reno who robbed him of his greenback stamps he was saving to get that sweet-ass Coors Light inflatable couch? Then, once he dropped, and didn’t die, but got wedged between the buildings, he had to have had that moment of clarity….that moment when he said “You know, this is not a positive application of my unique talents and skillset. I could be doing much more than drinking Thunderbird and watching reruns of “Mannix” all day. I could go to DeVry, get a certification, and be the HVAC technician I’ve always aspired to be. As SOON as I get outta jail, I’m applying.” This is the guy they should put on all the child support delinquency posters. It should be a three-panel shot: panel 1 is this guy climbing to the top of the building, panel 2 is him flying through the air like The Greatest American Hero, and panel 3 is him stuck between the buildings with the police posing beside him, laughing. That’ll learn ’em.