My people!

I’m still here. My side’s hurting and won’t completely stop, but I’m at least up and around. That’s a good thing. I got outta the house yesterday for the first time since Friday, and it was damn-near like being released from prison. I smelled the fresh air, looked to the sky, threw up a “thank you Jesus” and then went to find a job at the local pool hall. I’m making it. I bet you missed me, a little. And if you didn’t…just say you did, OK? Things’ll go down better if you just lie to me a little.

It’s been a minute. Let’s just ease right on into this bitch, shall we?

Let’s diatribe.


BELLEVILLE, Ill. – James Dowdy has admitted his hankering for women’s hosiery has been his undoing, earning him three stints in prison and repeated scoldings from judges over the years. So police say it’s no surprise the 36-year-old man is knee deep in trouble again because of his lust for leggings. St. Clair County prosecutors charged Dowdy on Friday with felony attempted burglary for his uninvited visit to a parked car and with misdemeanor disorderly conduct charge for dropping stolen socks “in an unreasonable manner, as to alarm and disturb. He’s obviously got some problems,” Belleville police Capt. Don Sax said Monday of Dowdy, who remains jailed on $50,000 bond. “We can’t crawl into his head and come up with a particular answer to why he does this. We have to assume it’s part of his sexual deviation.”

I know I’ve asked this question about 238439784923 times before, but for the love of Tang will SOMEONE please tell me what drives a person from standard, normal, girl-on-girl or 2 girls and a guy or 2 guys and a girl (what? I ain’t scared) sex to needing foot coverings to get off? I’m not sure if I place this guy in the exact same category as the feet lickers and sniffers, ’cause at least the feet are actually attached to something human, and to be honest, I have kind of a thing for feet mydamnself (although you’ll never catch THIS brother on the prowl, trying to sniff metatarsals). I’m also incredibly interested in the devolution from “I like women’s socks”, which can be obtained legally (albeit creepily), to “I need to STEAL women’s socks” which is just all kinds of wrong, to “Even though I’ve gone to jail no less than three times over this dumb bullshit, I just GOTS to get me somma them hosiery!” He should just move to Japan, where apparently you can get this shit out of vending machines, right next to Sushi Coke and Domo Arrigato Snickers.


New Britain, CT – A man died while trying to outdo a rival with an acrobatic move while “battle dancing,” police said. Robert Stitt, 48, and his rival were competing in a parking lot when he tried a forward flip and landed on his head. “It was just two guys dancing. Everybody was laughing,” Stitt’s friend John Boxley said. Boxley said James Brown was on the radio and Stitt wanted to outdo a rival dancer, who had flipped in the air. Police said the victim went into cardiac arrest and was pronounced dead a short time at a local hospital. Police said several people were in the parking lot drinking and battle dancing, a competition in which each dancer tries one-upmanship with unique moves.

Let’s wait on the laughter. Trust me, just…wait. Now, while you’re holding it in, I want you to re-read that story. Go on, it’s not that long, and I’ll wait. (Say, did anyone else notice that CBS canceled “Jericho”? I liked that show. Pissed me off, too, because they always take off the shit I like. Last year it was “Invasion”. And who can forget “Airwolf”? Oh, you’re done? Ok. My bad.) The very first thing to take from this nugget is the fact that a 48 year old man was battle dancing. Because honestly, I thought this went out with parachute pants and fat laces. This guy is old enough to clearly remember when this trend happened the FIRST time — which right there could be the source of the problem. Let’s say Robert here was an extra from “Beat Street” or “Krush Groove”, and that was the high point of his miserable life. For years afterwards he went around telling people all about how he was “in the movies”, and asking if girls wanted to meet LL Cool J or go check out “Coming To America” and sit in the front row. When all that clout dried up…and you know it did…he was tapped out. No more free Whoppers. No more line cuts at the barbershop. Hell, even his own mama made him show ID. But when it came back around, Robert heard the call. He was nearing 50, and life had basically dropped trow and pissed all over him, but dammit, he was born to battle dance. He got out his cardboard box, pulled out his old Fat Boys tape, and homeboy got BIZZY. Someone should’ve warned him that 1983 was a loooooooong time ago, though.


ARLINGTON — A 34-year-old Arlington man was killed about 10:15 p.m. Tuesday when he lost control of his motorcycle and flew into a tree. Police said Charlie Alexander was dead at the scene. He was not wearing a helmet. A witness told police that Alexander was showing off his motorcycle to friends in the parking lot of an aparment complex in the 1800 block of Hunters Point Drive, an area near NE Green Oaks Boulevard and Ballpark Way. Police said the witness told them the bike hit a slick area, went out of control and hit a curb, thowing Alexander head-first into a tree.

This isn’t a funny story, but it’s so damn typical, especially for Dallas. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been driving on the highway towards downtown, doing 70, only to be passed by a crotch rocket going so fast, Marty McFly must’ve been riding it. Honestly, I’ve never driven a motorcycle, but what is this culture behind showing off when you have one? One night I was driving downtown in a hard drizzle. I was in my Jeep, and I had slowed it down below 60, just to be on the safe side. All of a sudden these two dumb-ass fools came BLAZING by, doing at least 80 – on their REAR TIRES! They were doing wheelies, on the highway, in traffic, in the rain! My mouth was open, and I swear…I wished harm on them. I did. It was so fucking STUPID! So whenever I see stories like this, I think about those two mongoloids, and I wonder if they made it to Sears after all. I’ll tell you this: as they passed me, I looked ahead and I saw a water puddle in the road. Unfortunately, they saw it too. Lucky bastards. I hope they accidentally perform vibratory castrations on themselves.